It is really hard to write now. It has been for some time. I blamed it on wordlessness, not having a dedicated time of quiet, being too self aware, and even too public.
But now I think part of it is that the subject matter changes and I didn't see that it had. I was/am busy wondering why things are not feeling like they used to. Like watching a comedy and realizing you are crying or something.
It used to be that everything was very new. Because it was very new it was very entertaining, exciting. The excitement caught and held my attention easily.
The thing is that this is appearing to be a slow practice of not being so interested by excitement. Not that I am any sort of expert.
So before, I could write about all the new experiences of India, asana, whatnot. There are many words for that. They are much simpler ideas. Now, it is Monday and the main topic everyday is how to get up and just keep going. Just get up everyday and practice without any kind of obvious carrots leading the way.
It is more like a daily ritual of asking "why?" and sometimes "how?". A lot of reading of the Gita and such and thinking about God and what is actually happening. Who is the doer and is anything being done at all... And getting really quiet because there is a carrot, and perhaps many, of which I sometimes catch little teeny tiny momentary glimpses.
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