Thinking, thinking

Sharath: "Too much thinking" (taps temple)

Me: "What?"

Sharaht: "Back bends easy no thinking."

Me: "huh!"

Sharath: "Now take ankles"

Me: "huuuuhn!"

Really works, too...

This is an excerpt by Charles Benson from Mysore Style Photographs by Graeme Montgomery

Thinking, thinking, always thinking. My entire practice was us here *points to head*. Its funny how we do not see ourselves how we really are. For instance, physically, I don't really know what I look like or how I take up space. I run into walls sometimes. In practice today I kept telling myself "this is so hard" and "I feel so weak". And in the next breath something inside me said "you are crazy. You do this everyday. you are very strong. You are here doing it. This is all in your mind. Just breathe. Just breathe."

This little check in held me off for a while, until back bending. Things can often run, but can't hide. Back bends are very honest. Everything was fine until ankle grabbing. I just gave up. Sharath took me to my calves and was inching my hands up to my knees, he was pushing my elbows toward each other, but I was struggling. My feet were turned out very far, my knees were bent. And then I just let go and stood up. I gave up. "Bad day" I told him as I sat down to get squished.

Now that I think about it, I was thinking through the entire practice. Not thoughts about how I looked or about people around me. No, these were thoughts deep inside my muscles and bones. Who am I ? Where am I going? What am I doing? What am I going to do? etc. All these thoughts were swimming in my body and when I went into the ultimate back bend, there wasn't enough space to stretch because all the thoughts were floating around making the skin over my front body tight.

I've heard of this posture also being called chakrasana. A chakra is an energy center.. You have a few of them running up your spine. Each one is associated with different aspects of your being. Sometimes you are really open and your chakras are really clear, but usually, you have some sort of issue in one or another (we're only human, right?). So you could imagine that in this back bend, all the chakras are opening up like huge pours. But imagine that the chakras are clogged and that was me today feeling them getting squeezed. But these are very difficult pimples. the kind that look like they are ready, but you couldn't get them just yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I pulled up my mat and weaved through the other students who were practicing. I opened the door to the women's dressing room, which was completely dark. I rolled out my mat, rolled out my body and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't in physical pain. Well, if we are human, than we are physical, and so I suppose that technically, all pain is physical pain, but this was not a pain that I would go to a chiropractor for. The feeling that you get in your throat when you're about to cry is what I felt in my back. A dull ache filled with water that you know you must release.

I wouldn't recommend ashtanga yoga to anyone. It is hard, it is painful. (I once read that David Swenson would never tell anyone to practice ashtanga, but that if people came for it, he would teach it. I didn't understand that until today.) It isn't about asanas or getting the perfect body. What happens is that you are given a pipe cleaner and a bunch of fun looking poses. So you do the poses and when you're not looking, the pipe cleaner goes about cleaning out any baggage you have stored in your body and in your mind. Sometimes you notice a little but don't really mind, sometimes you don't notice at all. But then there are those times that you wake up and realize that the poses were just a trick and now you are completely vulnerable and stuck in a posture and the pipe cleaner gets to reach all those places you don't ever want to face. Its like when you go to the doctor and they tell you to look the other way but you know the bastard is trying to give you a shot in the arm. Sometimes this practice is like volunteering for a bad trip on LSD.

Practice is really easy when you're not thinking. It is really easy on days when you are happy. On days you are not, those are the days when you need it the most. I think Sharath knows this. I think he can see what we are going through by the way we are inhabiting our bodies. That is the magic of ashtanga. You are doing the same thing every day, but every day your body is so completely different. Sharath has been back bending me almost every day for 2 months. He had to feel the massive change this week in my body.

You've seen those commercials about depression. There is that one "cymbalta" commercial where they talk about how depression hurts. "Depression hurts, cymbalta can help". It is true. Our bodies store different emotions.

Many yoga teachers tell students that we store memories in our hips. But we store other things in other places. Int that Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy book I told you about a couple days ago, Maehle says that anger is stored in the hamstrings, extreme stiffness is because of mental rigidity, extreme flexibility is an inability to take a position in life and to set boundaries, and emotional pain is stored in the heart. (Symbol of heart chakra on right). The more you get into ashtanga, the more you'll hear about people crying in back bends. Maehle says that the emotional pain stored there leads to the crying. I thought of this as I sat on my mat with the dull ache of crying in my throat.

Maele writes:

"Since our body is our vehicle and the storehouse of our past, we want to practice asana to the point where it serves us well, while releasing and letting go of the past that is stored in it."

Sharath is right. Thinking makes back bending hard. Some days it is easy to let go of our thoughts. Other days I feel like I'm being dragged behind a carriage led by 12 horses. So what to do? "Practice, practice, all is coming."

Full-power drishtis

"The master Shankara reminds us: 'Converting the ordinary vision into one of knowledge one should view the world as brahman (consciousness) itself. That is the noblest vision and not that which is directed to the tip of the nose.'"

I've been reading a copy of Gregor Maehle's Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy that I found, once again, on our book shelf. That book shelf is like that room in Harry Potter that manifests whatever you need at that moment. Yes, if you are patient and open to it, the world provides. I had seen it at stores before and couldn't bring myself to pick it up. To many words, too few pictures, you know. But right now it has been just what I needed. It is fairly dense, but the information is accessible and applicable, which is important. He gets very specific about ideas that people often generalize, which is really fantastic. The man has got a lot of interesting things to say, so if you can, pick up a copy of this for sure.

It is a good day when Sharath gives you pasasana. It means he has given your primary a stamp of approval. F, its a good feeling. I remember when Guy gave me Pasasana. I was shocked for a while. I had been doing full primary for so so so long. Or at least it felt like it. I thought I would be there until the end of time because my heels were nowhere near the floor and it takes a very long time to stretch the Achilles tendon. So you can imagine my surprise when after about a week, he gave me krounchasana. Krounchasana looks kind of simple, but it feels like pop rocks in your body if you're doing it full-blast ashtanga style (sticking to the vinyasa, chin to shin, pointed toe, bam!). Again, I thought I would be there for a while, but then I got salambasana...

Today, I went in for practice thinking "yes, these are Sharath's last few classes" and "no, I don't expect any postures". It was so empty when I walked in at 4:30 I couldn't believe it. The energy was so incredible. Sharath was all over the room giving minor adjustments and tips. He even walked over me to check my drishti in a pose--a small detail that could easily be overlooked in a more crowded class. I could feel him watching me in the second half of my practice and when I got to pasasana, I took the first side, then moved to the other. Sharath came over and rocked me onto my heels, then at the end let me topple over saying "mumble mumble mumble krounchasana mumble." And so that is how today my pasasana was approved by Sharath when he gave me krounchasana.

Here is a picture from a really great album with photos of second series led at the Shala. Here, they are doing krounchasana, which is the second pose in the second series of ashtanga yoga.

It has been raining quite a bit here recently. I can definitely feel it in my body and in my moods. I completely missed out on summer this year. One week of short sleeves in New York. Two weeks of pool weather in Mysore. Back to fall in New York in October. Yikes.

Still no word as to how Saraswati will arrange the classes once Sharath is out. I heard that today they moved everyone to 5 or 5:45. Time will tell...