A little inspiration {Video}

Age 44, 31 weeks 5 days gestation, daily practice. Just an average morning over at the Albuquerque Ashtanga Yoga Shala.

{Videos} Sharath & Saraswathi Tour Greenwich, New York, Encinitas 2012

Encinitas

 

   

 

 

 

New York

 

  

 

 

Greenwich

 

 

"Ah ha!" Moments and Guess What? I Love Gymnastics

A few months back, I was busy pondering the difference between my back bends and what they could be. To review, my Iyengar friend Cory Washburn suggested that I "mull over" the concept of opening the back of my knee in drop backs. And mull I have in the hopes of obtaining more control and possibly that ever so lovely moment of suspension before delicately resting my hands to the floor and of course, coming up with no clear indication to the onlooker that that was what was about to occur: it was yoga magic. I knew that this would change a few things and require a shift in mind and body, but the idea of a "pain"-free and healthy back bend (productive back bending, really) kept me optimistic. I also knew that an indicator that I was if fact opening the back of my knee was being sore in my hamstrings and possibly belly instead of my quads and low back.

Almost two months later, I'm coming up from knee grabbing with legs straight and my butt on fire, my salambasana flying, lagu vajrasana a guarantee, and mayurasana becoming increasingly accessible. So there we have it--ah hah!

I don't remember what exactly compelled me to look up gymnastics on the internet, but somehow there I was googling away. Maybe it was the swimming trials on TV and I thought that watching gymnastics trials might be a great way to spend a rainy afternoon... Anyway, one thing leads to another and I'm watching youtube videos of elite gymnastics training. What I found particularly interesting was the number of tears, heartbreak, and toil behind the scenes movies that were listed. So it is hard. I get it. I love that people make videos of it. My favorite was a clip of this tiny girl maybe 8 years old in a supta padangustasana type position with her coach sitting on her extended leg while he pushed her raised leg with two hands into her face. She alternated between pushing her leg away and arms to the sides in exasperation, all in a fit of tears and agony. Wow.

I got to thinking about the similarities between the tears and toil in ashtanga practice and gymnastics and then between the two practices (and dedication to anything, really). There is quite a bit of hard work, frustration, and dumb and numb persistence involved. I know that even mentioning gymnastics on an ashtanga blog is controversial. Let's just get that out of the way.

Why would it be controversial? Well in case you're new, here's the rundown:
1. Because the origins of the hatha practice of ashtanga yoga are a bit vague. There, I said it. The original text that the practice is based on called the Yoga Korunta was eaten by ants, disintegrated, burned, vanished, etc. Some people say that it was a mix of yoga stretches, gymnastics, and wrestling exercises. Ashtanga people don't like this interpretation at all because it implies that the practice is very much based on practices that could be considered superficial in that they are based in the physical rather than the mental.
2. Because maybe people might think that I was a gymnast up until yesterday and so obviously this makes ashtanga yoga so easy for me and there is no merit in anything I do or say because I didn't have any tears or toil. I admit, I did gymnastics for a couple of years as a kid with Olympic dreams...REALLY big dreams. However, when I started yoga, I couldn't touch my toes. Now dancers are a whole other story...jk
3. Because if I'm entertained by gymnastics then I must hold a lot of merit in the physical aspect of practice and therefore am an asana-obsessed ego maniac. This one is true. ha.)

Now back to the gymnastics. I'm fascinated by the whole thing. The coaches, the grueling training, how strange it is to glamorize prepubescent girls, the eating disorders, the drama, the psychology, the voyeurism, just all of it. But most of all, I find it incredibly interesting that gymnastics is largely a kids' sport that destroys their bodies, while ashtanga yoga is extremely physically demanding, yet can be maintained for a lifetime and actually makes the body healthier. Where is the line drawn? Obviously, there is much more to this crazy ashtanga stuff than the poses.

The Sternoclavicular Joint and Thigh Grabbing

I stretch my neck forward and turn on the bright light in the bathroom. "What the--Come look at this!" One of my collarbones seems to be noticeably more visible than the other. But this isn't what bothers me, it's the little bruise marking a small ball where my collarbone meets my sternum. That can't be good.

I find it fascinating that the only joint connecting the arms to the torso is this small little spot. It is so small and delicate like a little flower. And here I come jumping and flying off my trampoline into the flower bed. Stomp.

It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like something is a little off. That said, this is an ongoing asymmetry. A few years ago I was a model for a chiropractic body evaluation teaching session where the student looked at me to learn how to "read" a body. Things that are off when you are standing--such as a shoulder scooping forward a bit more than the other or a hip that does the same--aren't a big deal because you can fix them by changing your physical patterns in day to day life. It's the things that show when you are lying down that are a bit more stubborn. On the day, I had nothing that was obvious when lying down.

I forgot about this stuff until the last few months when I have noticed that sometimes the joint pops or cracks when I'm in upward facing dog. It doesn't feel bad or painful, just weird--kind of embarrassing because I feel like a mutant.

I figure some practice with attention to this area will help put it back in place...

With my mind so focused on all this craziness, when it came to back bending I sort of laughed and joked: "Yeah yeah today...thighs!" And thighs it was. Well, "thigh" actually, but that's a start.

Jivamukti (it's not what you think)

Where is freedom located?  

In a country?  A landscape?  In nature?

Is it in my foot?  My head?  My heart?

  

There is something incredibly satisfying about that moment when you see that the final knot you are about to unravel is laughable.  You'll have clean, unhindered string in your hands in a moment so you take a moment to savor all the time and turmoil, all those moments when you wanted to cut away the knots and settle for a shorter piece, before you slowly undo those silly first wrinkles that started it all and liberate the string. 

For a whole year I've been the "Princess and the Pea" about this wrinkle in my body, in my practice.  The imperfect perfect back bend.  The gummy left shoulder.  The ache the pain the sensation the nerves the bones the muscles the emotions the drama the drama the drama.  And then an opening.  A real opening.  There are two kinds of "openings":

1.  Sammy locked himself out of his house.  He pulls on the door handle.  He kicks and he screams.  Maybe he breaks a window and busts in.  Maybe he blows up the whole house, digs through the rubble and holds up the shiny key triumphantly while standing on top of what used to be his stove.

2.  Sammy locked himself out of his house.  He realizes there is no way to open the door without a key.  Yes, maybe he has moments of kicking and screaming, but knows deep down that resistance is futile.  So he waits.  He knows that eventually a roommate will come by or a neighbor who has a key to let him in.  Eventually, someone does show up.  He laughs, feels like an ass, and picks up his key from the dining room table.

My opening was of the second variety.  I had to wait. Like water making the Grand Canyon-- waiting.  No more pain, no more pushing, no more trying.  Just waiting.  And then, today, it happened.  Piggybacking yesterday's physical epiphany, I was there (in "ankle grabbing").  (Keep in mind that this is all relative but...)  Feet were on their way to being parallel, legs were going straight, chest was expanding, elbows drawing together, hands holding back of knees, and then it happened.  It was like someone walked through me.  A cold breezy feeling in the muscles of upper, inner thighs.  A release in tension and a strong circular feeling.  I felt "red" like a fire truck in the sun.  I stood up.  I got it.  I understood it.  This is what it is.  I stood there in shock with a huge, goofy grin plastered on my face.

Before and at the beginning of practice I had a strong sense of joy for life, the world, myself, an overwhelming feeling of love and happiness.  But it was democratic, everything was equal.  I loved the stinky garbage I walked by just as much as I loved the sun on my neck.  I wanted to be single and to change my whole life and experience everything out there (unhindered) in the world because there is just so much to enjoy.  

After practice I had a strong sense of joy for life, the world, myself, an overwhelming feeling of love and happiness.  And in it, everything had its place.  I loved the sticky garbage just as much as I loved the sun on my neck.  I wanted to stay here forever and experience every moment of my little existence because there is just so much to enjoy.

"But I don't want to lose you,"  head shakes and hands wave in the air.  "I'm so comfortable with our life together."

"When you say that, I feel trapped,"  I feel scared.  I feel safe.

Pages slowly peel the days from the calendar.  The pile of belongings grows exponentially behind the chair in the back room.  Practice-drenched clothing dries on the chair.  

Back Bending the "Right" Way

Where do you feel it after practice:  your thighs or your back?

Both.

Hmm.

I had a chance to talk shop with my favorite local Iyengar teacher, Cory Washburn.  Before everyone starts to panic, rest assured, I'm not drinking the kool-aide, just gleaning another perspective on practice.  And when I say another perspective, I don't mean Iyengar versus Ashtanga, I mean another yoga practitioner who happens to care a lot about precise alignment.  I really feel that a little insight here and there can go along way.  When there is too much info, I start to short circuit with all the many things to think about.  However, once in awhile, I'm ready to take something new in.  

My homework this week:  Think about lengthening my hamstrings away from my calves, opening the backs of the knees.  So actually, I should have sore hamstrings.  I'll need some time to figure out what this feels like.  Will certainly report back.

Took yesterday off and practiced primary today.  Felt so tired and heavy.  Maybe I'm eating too much?  I just feel off.  I think part of it is PMS.  Where does it talk about this in Yoga Mala?

Just begun reading "Enlightenment for Idiots".  Three things that bother me about this "genre".

1.  Why are only women writing? (Holy Cow; Eat, Pray, Love, Fear; and Yoga in New Jersey)

2.  Why all this emphasis on relationships? (Fear and Yoga in New Jersey; Eat, Pray, Love)

3.  Why is it that main characters as yoga teachers have to be flakes that can't get anything together? (Fear and Yoga in New Jersey; Eat, Pray, Love)

Why does this bother me?

1.  Am I a cliche?

2.  Does my life revolve around men?

3.  Am I a flake that can't get anything together?

Suck it in!

Today I had a focus--vacuum stomach.  I was tired and sore and mentally exhausted but figured that if I could just really focus on that one thing, then I could get through it.  Paying attention made me pay attention.  You can't rush through a serious stomach vacuum and it might make you need to pee!  When I got up to go, I was all fuzzy headed and "blissy".  

Jumping was higher and lighter.  Everything had just a little more length, just a little more space.  But it wore me out.  Pincha and karan jump back?  Forget it!  I knew that my body couldn't take it today (partly because of a moonday coming up).  That said, I felt a difference in karandavasana for sure.  I felt hollowed out and rounded like a little ball and my legs were noticeably higher on my arms.  

Wheels were a trial.  Each time I lifted up a rib ached here, a joint there, everything feeling fragile and tender.  I stood up and just breathed for a little bit, looking down, thinking how much this was going to hurt.  And then I was like, "wait a second--no more thinking!  Just breathe, just move."  So that's what I did.  Some were fast, some were slow.  But I can't remember ever grabbing ankles with feet that parallel before...

After the forward bend I was thinking about how I had to really work on lift ups, yadda, yadda, as I lifted up and jumped back without touching my feet to the floor.  Really!  I wanted to squeal with delight--and of course no one saw.  If a tree falls in the forest...

Why is this a revelation?  Because although I don't usually touch my feet to the ground when I jump back, I'll usually give it a swing and/or push off from the back of my arms.  But today, none of that.  Now I can barely make it up the stairs :)

Cry Baby

"It's okay to cry."

The words echo for a moment. Tears well up in my eyes. In the dressing room later, I think about how I can't really remember ever being told this before but want to believe that I have.

In our interview this month, Guy mentioned how practice is usually physical therapy or emotional therapy. Today, holding my shoulder, holding my tears, I remember "emotional therapy".

"This is your pose," he says.

I guess I never did really have that exorcism. In Mysore last year, I really thought my back bends were going to shit. I knew that issues were coming up and I was working through them, but I really thought that I had worked through them. I went from happily grabbing my ankles last June to struggling in October (oh Saraswati!). But it has been up from there. Literally. I'm up my legs again, but not without a great amount of struggle.

In the Danny Paradise workshop last night, he talked about how for ashtanga practitioners, they experience the effects of old age earlier, but then are unaffected later in life. You live a vibrant joyous life and then you die. Just like that. So, a certain amount of physical discomfort (this is different from "ouch" pain) can be expected.

The feelings that come up for me in ankle grabbing are intense. Physically, I 've got very strong sensations coming from my right shoulder. But it isn't pain. More like stepping on spilled soda in a movie theatre--gummy and sticky.

Once I'm there holding my legs, drawing my elbows toward one another, expanding my chest, and straightening my legs, I experience a mixture of exhilaration and panic. It feels like I have a bird in my chest flying in a cage (which is my ribs) with no place to get out. All I can think is "my shoulder."

Mentally, I find myself both dreading and looking forward to back bending which of course, is very confusing. The constant devil on this shoulder and angel on that can be tiring. I find myself surrounded by feelings of disappointment, feeling trapped, frustration. This is all after the forearm stands pincha mayurasana and karandavasana. I don't want to say there is drama around all these poses, but I guess there is (since I'm writing about them and all).

Last year I remember very clearly that it was right after back bending that I was overcome with these really intense feelings of "I can't" like the ones you get when you are super upset as a kid. I really felt like a child in fact. I was really upset. I went to my mat for finishing and got so upset that I just got up and left. Second series sure does a number on the nerves. Although these feelings I experienced today might look the same to what I experienced last year I now realise that actually I've grown a lot. When the emotions came up this time instead of walking out (like the devil on my shoulder told me too), I focused on my finishing poses. I did it, I didn't die. I made it through. This feels like growth to me.

Okay, now Danny Paradise. Maybe tomorrow. For now, enjoy some videos!

Danny Jumps Through at Om Factory NYC (last night)


Youtube video: "Ashtanga Yoga -- River of the Soul"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB055-M6QwA

Danny reminds me of Gene Wilder.

Flying dreams

News from Mysore:

It is official. A new heir to the ashtanga throne has been born! Today after the opening mantra, Saraswati announced that Sharath is the proud father of a baby boy!

On to the blog:

We often forget our dreams. The dreams that we remember sometimes stick with us, especially those where we are flying. I've read that dreams of flying are categorized as "lucid dreams", which are dreams where the dreamer is aware that they are dreaming. We are aware that we are doing the impossible, we are soaring through the sky, or hovering over the earth, or gliding above the ocean. When we are flying, everything is possible. These dreams are often described as carrying a feeling of freedom and joy.

Lying in bed after class, I was taking an extended savasana (rest). I stared from underneath the blanket, up into space. I was daydreaming of birds. (Maybe the sound of the early morning tweeting and squawking planted some images.) I dreamt of trees towering above the ground with warm nests filled with the anxious, flapping wings of baby birds ready to figure out what they were made for. The mother bird pushes them out one at a time. There is no lesson, just a push, and the confidence that the little creature will be able to figure it out. Yes, there is technique involved, but really, the point is just to stay in the air, the point is to fly and it doesn't matter how the little creature does it, so much as he or she does.

I saw Rachel standing up from urdhva dhanurasana today. She did it for the first time yesterday. I watched as she negotiated the weight distribution between her hands and feet. I watched as she inched her way to the very edge. For a second, I thought she would give up even though she was so close. I wanted to shout across the room, "go for it! you got it!" And then, all the hesitation washed away and she stood up, just like that.

What I love about ashtanga (and what a lot of people don't like) is that it is so much about just doing it. Just stand up. Just lift up. Just jump back. Just fold. Just...fly. Over time, as you soar, you figure out that you can twirl and dive and spin and a million other things once you conquer everything that tells you "no" and you are doing it--you are flying. It is like constantly looking into your own face as a child when you figured out how to do something. Little you gazes warmly up at current you and exclaims, "I did it!" Maybe, big you can do the same thing. Sometimes in practice, we are all like happy little children shouting, "I did it!" As I write this, I can honestly say that I'm smiling because it is so simple and because this little drop of happiness is such a gift.

I've found myself in a few conversations recently about how people wish they were birds, and in particular, eagles.

Sometimes in flying dreams, we feel like we are beginning to lose altitude or that we will crash into something. This happens to me when I realize not that I'm flying, but that actually, I can't usually do this in real life. For me, its the "possibility" or lack there of that I cling to and allow to weigh me down all the way to the ground.

I want to remember a dream in the back of my mind where I begin to lose altitude but then, I do the impossible and I "pick it up!" "Pick it up" just happens to sound familiar because that is what Saraswati and Sharath will tell you and those around you who begin to lose altitude in flying poses such as headstand or uthplutih. Today I had the feeling that Saraswati was pushing all of us out of the nest and now it is up to us to fly.

Daniel Johnston

Worried Shoes - Yip / Jump Music (1983)

I took my lucky break and I broke it in two

Put on my worried shoes

My worried shoes

And my shoes took me so many miles and they never wore out
My worried shoes
I made a mistake and I never forgot
I tied knots in the laces of
My worried shoes
And with every step that I'd take I'd remember my mistake

As I marched further and further away
In my worried shoes

My worried shoes

And my shoes took me down a crooked path

Away from all welcome mats

My worried shoes

And then one day I looked around and I found the sun shining down

And I took off my worried shoes

And the feet broke free

I didn't need to wear

Then I knew the difference between worrying and caring

'Cause I've got a lot of walking to do

And I don't want to wear

My worried shoes

Links to dream dictionaries (when is the last time you tried to analyse a dream?):

http://www.mysticalblaze.com/DreamsFlying.htm

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/

http://www.dreamdoctor.com/dictionary/

No fearing

Saraswati and I had a moment today and its possible that she didn't even know it. (Sometimes I feel like a stalker that develops this entire relationship with someone without even knowing their name. Hmmm.)

Back bending. As I hung, suspended in the air, for a split second I thought to myself, "no fear". ("No fear" is one of Sharath's favorite sayings. He repeats it a lot. For a while I thought, "maybe this guy needs some new material". But actually, by repeating it, the simple lesson gets stuck where it needs to in our heads so that when we are in moments like this, it happens without even thinking about it. Imagine if fearlessness became a part of us all...)

Saraswati grabbed my left hand and took it to my leg. I think I grunted. I was up on my toes leaning my pelvis against this 60+ year old woman, trusting that she wouldn't drop me as she reached over to take my right hand to my leg. For a moment, my body seized as the nerves running through my body began to pulsate, vibrate, and ring. And then, peace. I planted my heels firmly on the ground. I engaged my legs and began to straighten them as if I were standing. I drew my elbows toward one another and felt my chest melting in a large arc toward the ceiling. I could feel all the bones in my body, my pelvis, my sacrum, my femurs, Saraswati's hands. And I breathed. And right when I usually spring up to stand, I rode the wave to the next breath. I was still there breathing. It was like crossing over to another lifetime. Saraswati let me stay there for a while. I was relaxing. With a little twitch of her hands I could tell that it was time to come up, and I did. My whole body vibrated intensely. I even wiggled a little from the electricity. I sat down and Saraswati ironed out my back with her hands like a shirt. She stayed with me longer than ever before. I think I groaned and smiled and still she stayed. We had a moment and I'm not sure that she knew it.

The last few weeks of back bending have been very interesting. As Saraswati put it, "that arm no good". The right side of my body feels open and clean. In a back bend, the entire side feels smooth like the energy is sweeping up and down then entire length of my body. But on the left side, it feels like a knitting project gone bad. All the yarn is knotted up and needs help being untangled. But today there was some real progress. I could feel the difference even if there was a visible discrepancy between the placement of my hands on my legs. At the coconut stand a friend said, "back bending twist!"

The practice is a lot like this. Things are good. You're doing it. Maybe it even feels easy or (gasp) fun. And then one day it all shatters to pieces. I remember that in David Byck's book, he explains how he tackled this a couple of times in asanas. Maybe you experience it in just getting into a schedule to practice. I know I have. So, sometimes everything shatters to pieces and it feels like it will always be that way until one bright sunny day or gloomy grey one, you discover to much surprise and great amazement that the pieces have miraculously been glued back together.

I got salambasana today. There is always an energy between the teacher and student. I think that we can both sense when we are ready for the next thing or when we need to work. Today I had a feeling that she would give me salambasana. I did pasasana and krounchasana (the first and second poses of second series, but also the last two that I practice before starting back bending and finishing postures), but didn't hear from Saraswati as I went into back bending. I did three back bends (also called wheel or urdhva dhanurasana), each one walking my hands closer to my feet until the third wheel when I touched and grabbed my legs with my hands. After my last exhale, I stood up on the inhale. Saraswati was helping the person in front of me with supta vajrasana (see picture on left from ashtangayoga.info).

"Your last pose, " she asked.

"Krounchasana, " I said.

"Huh?"


"Krounchasana," I repeated.

"Salambasana." She instructed. Even though I knew that she wanted me to back track and do it now I still said, "right now?" Obviously, she didn't respond. I knew the answer. (see pics of Salambasana a & b on the right from ashtanga.info.)

Mysore Book Club. I just finished Lolita and have just started Shantaram. It is really big, but is a Mysore must-read. EVERYONE is reading it right now... I also heard that maybe there will be a movie coming up...Something about Johnny Depp?

Video of Supta Vajrasana with Guruji in New York:

The reflective post

Yesterday, I looked at my day planner (imagine), and realized that I have just 25 days left here in Mysore (including today). It is hard for me to imagine coming here for just a month. When I think back at my time here and where I am at now, I feel like it is just not enough time to soak up all of this. Even now I feel like it could all still just be beginning.

I made a list of all things I wanted to do and see before I left. Without this, it could be fairly easy for me to wake up tomorrow and realize its time to go to the airport. I'd like to float somewhere in between.

Despite the happy send-off of a particularly sound night's sleep, practice was completely ridiculous. I was all over the place. It was great. I kept thinking and telling myself not to think, fidgeting, farting (I'm so sorry Petra). It was such a mess. I wore a new pair of pants that kept slipping down my backside. I tried to put my hair in pigtails. It was okay in front of the mirror, but in class, it was a whole other game. (You're probably thinking "who could mess up pigtails?" but that is another story). My rug was sliding around and crumpling up. And it was taking forEVER. I kept thinking "how long is this going to take? Am I going slower than usual?" I was getting antsy. Then, i realized that I was waiting for something--back bends.

No breakthroughs, funny stories, or insights.

"Right side good. You do left side wrong." Saraswati really felt it today and so did I. She let me go for it a second time, but it was the same story. Hovering in the half back bend, my right hand catches really high TECK (that's the sound of grabbing). Then my left hand pathetically writhes in the air. Saraswati grabs it and pulls. I move both hands down to my ankles and readjust my feet so they are parallel. Then she moves my right hand into that notch behind my knee. The left hand next-- "UNNNGGHHHH". Breathe breathe breathe breathe don't panic, relax breathe and inhale stand hello Saraswati smile smile sit fold and squish "aaaaahhhhh"...

Then off to the dressing room to get eaten by mosquitoes and do finishing postures.

You might remember my first class in July. My struggle with headstand and uthplutih? (Picture on right of students in uthplutih at Guruji's 2002 San Francisco tour. You might not be able to tell, but they are balancing on their hands with their knees and seats are off the floor.) Well, I am amazed at the "progress". Headstand has actually become a calming place to look forward to. My arms are still burning, of course, but I can do it for much longer than before. And then there is uthplutih. always a challenge, but I am facing it. 22 breaths every day. Like my teacher once said, "I look up to my third eye, think about God, and the kundalini is like woooosh." She stays there for 40 very slow breaths. I think about a meat hook pulling up my pelvis. I think about breathing from my pelvic floor. I think about how there is no reason to come down and that the sensations I feel aren't really negative. I look up to my third eye and to the ceiling and imagine shooting up, up. Today was really hard, but when I came down, my head was swarming with heat and I was felt amazing.

I picked up this book at Tina's today called It's a long way to the floor by David Byck. I don't remember where I heard about it, but recently it was recommended to me. I thought with all this attention I'm paying to the experience of being here, it would be a really interesting to see what he experienced and maybe compare notes.

Other updates:

I've got 25 items on my "to do before I die list". This has been incredibly therapeutic. With it, I feel encouraged to be honest with myself about what I really want in life and the things that I am afraid to try for. I feel now that my path is very clear, and that in many ways, I've always been on it.

Last week, Petra and I pulled out the "Angel Cards", which are similar to tarot cards, but much more soft, sweet, and feminine. (Petra says I need to embrace my feminine side, so this is a step on that direction. So is talking about my feelings and practicing with Saraswati and with the influx of female students at the shala. Shakti power!)

I was very skeptical about the cards, but they were dead on and very comforting. I asked what my life purpose was. The cards told me that it was time to heal worry and fear, to relax and feel safe. They said I was currently learning how to be peaceful and have tranquility in life. Right now is the time to gather information and concentrate on being a student, and that by staying on this path, my life's purpose will be revealed. Wow.

It is not really the same as having someone read your cards in front of you, but, you can get your cards read online for free by clicking here.

Tomorrow there is no practice because there is a festival, I don't remember who it is for. We also have Saturday off, and its back to led on Sunday. I'm off to pay Shala fees today, and there is talk of some craziness tonight, but it could be a good night for more L Word and Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I have succumbed.

I am and I can

As I began my back bends, in the back of my mind, I knew that I didn't want to do ankle grabbing. "I" could have been my body, it could have been my mind. Who knows? I usually enjoy the exhilaration of back bends, but this past week has been very difficult. I waited for a long time for Saraswati to help me with drop backs. She is on it though. There is probably 70+ students in there, and she is jumping from one person to another without skipping a beat. I don't mind waiting for drop backs. Today I had these sick head rushes that I've had at different points in my life and I had forgotten about them until today. It was nice to just be able to stand there, shuffle my feet, hold my head, and scream from the inside.

I waited for a long time. Part of me wanted to say "forget it" and sit down to start finishing. But another part of me said, "just wait. Just keep waiting. You'll be okay." When she came over, I said, "please no ankles today, my back hurts." (I said "hurts" because it gets the point across quickly even though that wasn't really the problem.) Saraswati smiled and nodded and latched her hands firmly onto my hips. One, two, three times back half way.

"I think it will be okay, actually," I said. She already knew. I went back the fourth time and took my breathed. When I stood up, I wanted so badly to give her a hug, but I didn't. I think she probably would have been okay with it though. In the past, Guruji would give you a hug for a little while after deep back bends. I swear she lingered a little longer than usual in the paschimottonasana stretch (which helps counterbalance the back bend).

Later as I thought about these few moments on the mat, I realized that this whole trip has been a slow, steady process of learning, painfully at times, to let go. And here, practicing like this, the relentless demand on my body and on my mind, there is nothing left for me to do but surrender. I'm slowly letting go of the need to absolutely control what I eat. I'm okay with eating with my hands. I don't freak out when ants are the place mat my plate is resting on. I'm brushing my teeth with tap water. I'm okay sitting on a wet toilet seat (this is huge). But in other ways too, I'm learning how to be softer and be easier with myself. In many ways, life has been like this. A gradual process of unpeeling layers, getting closer and closer to my true nature. I don't know what that is, but I feel on one hand I'm closer than I can ever remember, and on the other, part of me is ready to believe that maybe I am already that.

It seems strange to say that. That I don't know my true nature, or that I can't recognize it sometimes. Maybe you don't go through that. Maybe you've never thought about it, maybe you have. Maybe you've figured it out. Maybe no one ever will. But I feel that many painful moments I have come when I lose that vision of myself. In many ways my friend, Rachel, is exploring this in a book she's working on. (Check out her blog: http://www.embodiedmovement.blogspot.com/.)

Often I notice how I forget that I am here inhabiting physical space. John says that small children think from their bellies (when they have an earache and a doctor asks them where it hurts, they will often rub their bellies). In this way, I think that whatever I'm going through emotionally is hanging our in my stomach.

The stomach is the location of the 3rd chakra (pictured), which is associated with how we feel about ourselves. (This site has a lot of really useful info on this!) It is also where we store the energy we need to take charge of our lives. One damages the third chakra by harboring anger (even if we don't know its there), or by wishing "our lives were different without taking any action to change circumstances". An underdeveloped third chakra can manifest itself in having "a fear of life, in general". (It might not seem like it, being as I'm in India, but it took a lot for me to get here. I never thought of myself as fearing life, but the more I think about the way I usually do things, the more I realize that I have a giant condom over my body. I feel like slowly this has been less and less, but it is still there.) A malfunctioning third chakra can show up in mid-body obesity (that has always been an issue, relatively speaking), intestinal disorders, and liver problems.

Okay, so what to do if your third chakra is out of whack?

Realize that you are where you need to be.

Be your own best friend.

realize that nothing is permanent, that you are not stuck.

Realize that dammit, you are not fat, so stop asking!

Do the things that you really want to do.

take the necessary actions to make our dreams come true.

Realize that I am here, alive, and healthy, surrounded by good people, with food, and a place to sleep. But really really really realize it.

Truly let go of anger and the comfort in being sad.

Laugh.

Back in New York, earlier this year, I had a small breakdown in class. I had just come up from grabbing my ankles when I was filled to the brim with an overwhelming feeling of, "I can't". I'm not sure if you remember what this feels like when you are a small child. I didn't until that day. It is absolutely paralyzing. You are so frustrated you want to scream, you want to cry, you want to rip off the soles of your feet and scratch holes into your cheeks. I was filled with an intense, childlike feeling of, "I can't". I waddled to the back of the room , threw down my mat, lied down and fought back tears. I laid there for a few moments, then sat up and walked out. Just like that.

I probably was under the impression that that moment was in the past, that I had gone through it and that it was gone. But based on this last week, and today's resistance in particular, I think that this is not the case. It is so strange feeling like I have no control over a thought like this. Maybe it needs to just come out and I should sit in my room and cry about it and let the frustration happen so that it is out once and for all. Maybe.

And here we are, back at the same realization that keeps on coming up:

Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Then the seer abides in his own true nature.

(yoga sutras, book 1, numbers 2 & 3)

Its a beautiful day outside. I think I'm going to go volunteer at the school. I'm not sure what they do. I think they teach english. I think it would be good to get out of my head, and into the world...

Tomorrow is a moonday, so there will be no classes held.

For Eric, who I miss terribly:

Thinking, thinking

Sharath: "Too much thinking" (taps temple)

Me: "What?"

Sharaht: "Back bends easy no thinking."

Me: "huh!"

Sharath: "Now take ankles"

Me: "huuuuhn!"

Really works, too...

This is an excerpt by Charles Benson from Mysore Style Photographs by Graeme Montgomery

Thinking, thinking, always thinking. My entire practice was us here *points to head*. Its funny how we do not see ourselves how we really are. For instance, physically, I don't really know what I look like or how I take up space. I run into walls sometimes. In practice today I kept telling myself "this is so hard" and "I feel so weak". And in the next breath something inside me said "you are crazy. You do this everyday. you are very strong. You are here doing it. This is all in your mind. Just breathe. Just breathe."

This little check in held me off for a while, until back bending. Things can often run, but can't hide. Back bends are very honest. Everything was fine until ankle grabbing. I just gave up. Sharath took me to my calves and was inching my hands up to my knees, he was pushing my elbows toward each other, but I was struggling. My feet were turned out very far, my knees were bent. And then I just let go and stood up. I gave up. "Bad day" I told him as I sat down to get squished.

Now that I think about it, I was thinking through the entire practice. Not thoughts about how I looked or about people around me. No, these were thoughts deep inside my muscles and bones. Who am I ? Where am I going? What am I doing? What am I going to do? etc. All these thoughts were swimming in my body and when I went into the ultimate back bend, there wasn't enough space to stretch because all the thoughts were floating around making the skin over my front body tight.

I've heard of this posture also being called chakrasana. A chakra is an energy center.. You have a few of them running up your spine. Each one is associated with different aspects of your being. Sometimes you are really open and your chakras are really clear, but usually, you have some sort of issue in one or another (we're only human, right?). So you could imagine that in this back bend, all the chakras are opening up like huge pours. But imagine that the chakras are clogged and that was me today feeling them getting squeezed. But these are very difficult pimples. the kind that look like they are ready, but you couldn't get them just yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I pulled up my mat and weaved through the other students who were practicing. I opened the door to the women's dressing room, which was completely dark. I rolled out my mat, rolled out my body and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't in physical pain. Well, if we are human, than we are physical, and so I suppose that technically, all pain is physical pain, but this was not a pain that I would go to a chiropractor for. The feeling that you get in your throat when you're about to cry is what I felt in my back. A dull ache filled with water that you know you must release.

I wouldn't recommend ashtanga yoga to anyone. It is hard, it is painful. (I once read that David Swenson would never tell anyone to practice ashtanga, but that if people came for it, he would teach it. I didn't understand that until today.) It isn't about asanas or getting the perfect body. What happens is that you are given a pipe cleaner and a bunch of fun looking poses. So you do the poses and when you're not looking, the pipe cleaner goes about cleaning out any baggage you have stored in your body and in your mind. Sometimes you notice a little but don't really mind, sometimes you don't notice at all. But then there are those times that you wake up and realize that the poses were just a trick and now you are completely vulnerable and stuck in a posture and the pipe cleaner gets to reach all those places you don't ever want to face. Its like when you go to the doctor and they tell you to look the other way but you know the bastard is trying to give you a shot in the arm. Sometimes this practice is like volunteering for a bad trip on LSD.

Practice is really easy when you're not thinking. It is really easy on days when you are happy. On days you are not, those are the days when you need it the most. I think Sharath knows this. I think he can see what we are going through by the way we are inhabiting our bodies. That is the magic of ashtanga. You are doing the same thing every day, but every day your body is so completely different. Sharath has been back bending me almost every day for 2 months. He had to feel the massive change this week in my body.

You've seen those commercials about depression. There is that one "cymbalta" commercial where they talk about how depression hurts. "Depression hurts, cymbalta can help". It is true. Our bodies store different emotions.

Many yoga teachers tell students that we store memories in our hips. But we store other things in other places. Int that Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy book I told you about a couple days ago, Maehle says that anger is stored in the hamstrings, extreme stiffness is because of mental rigidity, extreme flexibility is an inability to take a position in life and to set boundaries, and emotional pain is stored in the heart. (Symbol of heart chakra on right). The more you get into ashtanga, the more you'll hear about people crying in back bends. Maehle says that the emotional pain stored there leads to the crying. I thought of this as I sat on my mat with the dull ache of crying in my throat.

Maele writes:

"Since our body is our vehicle and the storehouse of our past, we want to practice asana to the point where it serves us well, while releasing and letting go of the past that is stored in it."

Sharath is right. Thinking makes back bending hard. Some days it is easy to let go of our thoughts. Other days I feel like I'm being dragged behind a carriage led by 12 horses. So what to do? "Practice, practice, all is coming."

Summer Camp

Everyone is leaving. Life in Mysore is now practice, eating, sleeping, and saying goodbye. The few of us still around are excited about the less crowded shala and the possibility of more personal attention, surrendering to Saraswati (because its all you can do), a later practice time, and Guruji adjustments. Yes, it may be a bit optimistic, but he was very peppy last week, and today's led class was a lot closer to old Guruji style.

The energy has shifted in the Mysore community. In July, it was very intense, almost stressful at the Shala because there were just so many people. And everywhere you went post-practice was packed. Now, things are a bit slower, a bit easier. I get this feeling of sentimentality from people. Today with Guruji teaching, it felt like the room wanted to hug. Rachel says maybe we've just settled in, and now, everything is a little softer since we're not faced with fight or flight all the time. We've learned how to deal with situations, how to relax, how to be here.

Yesterday's practice was incredible. The bloating had gone down, the diarrhea was was on its way out, I felt very light, although also a bit weak. I had to practice very slow. I didn't want to overexert myself because without a doubt, I am still dehydrated (yes, I know I'll get the electrolyte powder eventually). But because of this, the practice was so sweet. When I got to back bends, I felt incredibly open. I did one, walked close, two, walked close, and on 3 i have been taking one hand to my ankle, putting it down and then doing the other and then standing up. Yesterday at that moment I put my left hand out, grabbed just above my heel, then said "why not?", and took my right hand and grabbed my right ankle. I hovered there in that moment thinking "FUCK! I am holding my ankles!" Without thinking it. My body was just exploding all nerves surging, all atoms vibrating, smiling from the inside, when all of a sudden, somewhere in the back of my mind began to say, "you are going to fall over'. My mind and body didn't know which way was up or down or how to handle it, so I clung to my ankles for dear life as I fell back onto my elbows. My upper back went CRACK! And luckily, it felt really really good. I let go of my ankles, put my hands on the floor and came back up to wheel. Laughing at how funny that probably looked to whoever saw, like Bambi trying to stand up for the first time. All awkward and innocent.

I did the standard 3 drop backs on my own, then 3 half ways with Sharath followed by what is now upper-calf grabbing. I held on and began to straighten my legs. Chakras spinning up toward the sky, shining light charging. Aaaaaaaaah.....And then up to stand and back to the floor for forward bend.

I left practice on cocaine and cloud nine and ecstasy and bliss. I felt like anything is possible, like I had jumped over a 10 foot fence. Like I could lift a car over my head and chop open a coconut with my hand. HiYah!

Like any high, later that day I crashed hard. Sitting in the living room alone thinking how I wanted something but couldn't figure out what, pouting my little heart out. Yoga is so funny.

The weather is good for being sentimental right now. Its been overcast and threatening to rain. It makes me feel like watching horror movies, wearing black, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes with my legs crossed showing off calf-length black boots. It feels like New York. It feels like the end of Yoga Summer Camp.

I also recently saw the film "Guru". It is short, like all yoga docs, but it truly captures what it feels like to be here because the camera stays almost the entire time in Gokulum (the neighborhood we live in). See it!

"I met a man. We made juice."

I have hilarious friends.

After Emma tells us the story of a juice stand she found in the center earlier that day, Rachel and I discussed the psychology and behavior of what we refer to as the "latin lover". A latin lover is a man whose origin is a spanish or portugese speaking country in the Americas and also in Europe. He is characterized by overt sexuality performed in an over-the-top kind of way. It is not that they are hitting on you. Its just that that is how they talk to women. Example:

Rachel was studying in South America. One of her friends placed his hand to his chest and pretended to rip out his heart. It did not end there. He then proceeded to extend the imaginary heart that he had "dislodged" to her. At this point he looked into her eyes and said, "for you". Rachel was amazed to find that when she looked down at the offer, his hand was pumping to the beat of an imaginary heart.

Priceless.

But back to yoga. I'm trying to sort out this new time thing. I've been waking up at 3:30 and thats all I can say about it. I am a zombie. The end.

I've been trying out some new drop back techniques.
1. Hands in prayer, lift chest and go. (the classic)
2. Hands at low back, lift and rock back, last second hands down. (new technique inspired by Alex. it works)
3. Hands by your shoulders like you're going "woa!", open chest like a cloud, hover and hands down. (new technique inspired by Nuno and Elissa. Sounds weird, but really delicious)

I just heard about this meditation called "one year to live". Basically you live as if you have one year to live and are going to die on day 365. I think Emma said she read a book on it, or it was her friend...Anyway, yes, this is a good thing. So what would I do today if I were to die in one year?

Other popular topics of conversation this week:
1. The prevelance of first-urine-of-the-day drinking last year. The trend spread like a wild fire.
2. The strange brown goop that many students here swear by. You stick your finger in this jar full ayurvedic dynamite and eat it. Apparetnly it makes you fly.
3. Back pain. Back pain. Back pain. Everyone has back pain. Kapotasana (pictured). Ankle grabbing.

A shout out to Alex, who has slowly overcome her 2nd series-inspired back pain and is now dropping back like a slinky down the stairs.

So tired, must nap. On roof. With sun. I thought I might multi-task and do a tan and a nap. Very productive around here.

Dirty little secrets

No one takes pictures of themselves doing pasasana with their heels off the ground. Its like this dirty little secret. I think the people doing 2nd and 3rd try to move through pasasana, lest someone notice their heels hovering. Someone told me once that it takes a year to "get" pasasana. I can believe that. It is a very telling posture. You can read a lot about someones body based on their pasasana or their attempt at pasasana. Like an infectious disease, the ability to drop one's heels (or not to) does not discriminate who it may afflict. And so, here I find myself in day 3 of pasasana at AYRI in Mysore, India. Yesterday at breakfast, we were talking about getting pasasana from Sharath, and how it felt for the first time.

"It's like Sharath has approved your primary series." The guy across from me said with a huge grin plastered to his face.

I have used a western toilet my whole life, its my anatomy--my heels do not touch the floor. But I have a very flexible back! :)

Sharath helped me again today in pasasana. He let me lean on him while I got in the posture, then laughed as I rolled back in a little ball. Its all about getting your weight toward your knees and feeling like you are going to stand up. Its all about getting it.

Practicing at 5 am is really nice because you can pick a spot that you want. You can start when you're ready to. There is no talking. No chorus of "you come". It is just you and your breath. Tuesday, there was this incredible moment when the first person raised there arms over their head to begin the first sun salute of the day.

It is also nice because you get to chant the opening mantra together. Yesterday and today we chanted with Guruji, which was incredibly special. You come in, put you mat down and start practicing when ready. This is about 4:45am. Then around 5:15, you r ealize you are the only one jumping around on your mat and so you come to stand in Samastitih for opening prayer. After the prayer, everyone continues wherever they left off, and Guruji stands up on the stage staring at the hundred plus bodies performing postures that he has spent his lifetime practicing and teaching. Imagine pictures you have seen of the Virgin of Guadalupe. At times, Guruji has rays of energy shooting all around him, this is when looking at him is like staring at the sun.
Practicing at 5am is really funny because you get to see everyone post-kapotasana shuffling around like outdoor recreation time at a retirement center. As I sat drinking a coconut at the coconut stand, I saw a friend hobbling along the road. I don't have the best eyesight, but based on his hunch/waddle/shuffle I was able to deduct other like individuals and confirm that it was in fact, Colin. A girl next to me said "He looks like he's hurting!" I was thinking the exact same thing.

Back bends have been good, which everyday, really is a blessing. Not long ago, I did something that totally seized my back. I could barely move. Everyone seems to have an interesting ride at the beginning of 2nd series. Its like a kid sees a lincoln log cabin, knocks it down, and then puts it together again. This is your back.

Ha! Heels up! (see pic.)

A shout out to my homies who got new poses today (you know who you are)
And another to a lovely lady who now is the new queen of the stand up from back bends!

Here is a video of the coconut stand!

The worst horse

Pema Chodron writes in The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness that there are three horses. The best horse moves before the whip ever hits its rump. The okay horse moves when it feels the whip. The worst horse won't budge until the whip has made cuts. Most people want to be the best horse. She writes,

"what I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I am the worst horse. Today at practice was again struggling to stay focused, struggling to hear my own breathing. After setu bandhasana (pictured), I moved into urdhva danurasana position. The second I came up-bam! Low back ouch. I've been dealing with this for some time, and back in New York, poses that stretch the psoas and quads in second series have been really helpful. I tried my best to lengthen and yadda yadda, and then moved into a really sloppy stand up. I tried to warm up a bit by doing half ways before the full drop back, but after 2 really out of wack drop back, I gave up. Feeling embarrassed for almost running into someone, I sat down and took a couple of breaths in forward bending before hustling off to do finishing poses with a pout in the dressing room.

I threw down my mat and laid down, swimming in the angry little thoughts soaking in my mind. "Stupid ashtanga with no stupid moving on for a month"

"This is so dumb, I should go somewhere else where they'll let me do my practice"

"I should just finish my practice in here"

"stupid back with the stupid pains"

"All these people coming from all over and now I can't get new poses because its crowded"

etc etc

I thought of Alex, who has been here for 6 weeks and has only just started doing the poses that she got from her last trip. I thought about how I'm the only one who doesn't look completely blissed out right now.

I took 10 breaths in each pose (usually I take 25). I huffed and puffed and threw myself into resting and closed my eyes tightly. I laid therefore for a short while, trying to tell myself to relax, and then shot up, rolled up my mat, and got dressed. Outside my coconut tasted as sour as my mood. Coconuts have been like mood rings for me, I've noticed.

At breakfast, I was talking to Nuno about practice today and how really this is what its about. Doing without knowing, giving up on the ego, practice practice all is coming. It is so much more about the mental in this practice than the physical. And yet, none of this is new. Its funny how things come up to the surface. Even at age 40+, you might find yourself with a pimple.

The sugar boycott is going well. This morning I went to Tina's and had millet toast (its homemade and wheat free!) with cooked spinach and tomato chutney. I also had a banana, soy, cinnamon, and peanut butter smoothie. Very nice!

The plan for today is to get a house! I think I'm going to try for Saraswati's. I've got to pick up some rupees though and some bedsheets.

Yesterday I had a little adventure in waxing and threading...

Part of me thinks that back bend troubles and mental troubles have to do with my bowels being on strike. Part of me thinks that the bowels being on strike has to do with not being grounded at all, no stable living space, and missing SO (1,2,3 chakra issues)...

Yoga clothing and the 3 gunas

It has been 2 days since my last post, so I'll have to recap. Wednesday I practiced, read, ate, and went to chanting with Jayashree. Thursday I practiced, read, ate, and went to a cooking class with Tina. Life here is good!

Before chanting on Wednesday, I dropped Alex off at the hospital so she could get her nose pierced. (Everyone gets piercings done at the hospitals here. They also get a lot of dental work done as it is MUCH less expensive than in the states.) I couldn't stay with her as I had to meet Elena at the coconut stand (its always where people meet up, or the main landmark when it comes to giving directions), but apparently it was quite a show. We had spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon at the "Hotel Formerly Known As The Southern Star" (really, that's what the sign said) lying poolside and soaking up sun. I tried to read Harry Potter, but was quite distracted by the conversations around me and also the glare from the sun. The water was very very cold, but we had a lot of fun. It costs 200 for a day pass and they give you a towel. Its a pretty posh place. You can also get a monthly pass as well as nice looking salads, sandwiches, and french fries. When you spend a lot of time in the heat, your blood vessels dilate, and when you are cold, they constrict. The point? The nurse who did Alex's piercing was convinced she was an alcoholic because she bled so much! The piercing looks really nice though. Apparently you are supposed to get the left side pierced only. I tried asking several people about this, and I got something about it making you more fertile. Who knows?

I found out that at chanting we are actually practicing for a performance on Guruji's birthday. Someone mentioned that they weren't sure they wanted to do it because they heard that if we chanted incorrectly, he would someone was watching and would clap for me when I do something good. Instead, there is absolutely no recognition. In turn, my jump backs (I think) have gotten much better and everything feels a little deeper, a little stronger, and a little lighter. On Wednesday after At chanting, I found out that we are actually practicing for a performance we will give on Guruji'sdefinitely call us on it. (Guruji used to be a sanskrit scholar.) Jayashree explained that "Gurus are here to criticize us ... Even if he says 'you [Jayashree] have not done it properly' I will say 'thank you'". She continued, "if I say you are very good, you will not grow". This got me thinking about practice (although you could apply it to a lot of things) and how I've back tracked quite a bit in what I'm doing. Sometimes I wish someone was clapping for me every time I do something good, but in spite of this, I feel like my jump backs have gotten a lot lighter and my practice as a whole has gotten stronger and deeper. On Wednesday during back bends with Sharath he said "good". Its nice to know he probably meant it.

My Mysore time has been moved to 7am. Yesterday, I got there early, and still there were TONS of people waiting. Alex says its like that every Thursday. People are tired from the week and so are practicing a little slower. Well, there were people with 6:30 time slots still waiting to get in at 7:15. Its also really crowded for the birthday. It seems that a lot of people have come in for just a week and that still others are leaving right after the birthday. But maybe Alex is right about Thursdays. I felt really tired and heavy at first. I'm partially convinced that its just the pants I'm wearing. I'm sure I could argue that clothes can be tamasic because every time I saw my pant legs hanging about, I felt like I was just hanging about. These did, however, used to be called my favorite practice pants. But since I got the American Apparel leggings, I feel there is no comparison. The leggings are close fitting so you can see your bones, but also there is no extra fabric flapping about. I'm sure the fact that I'm hand washing the other doesn't help. i might see if Krishna tailor can shorten them a bit.

Back bends with Saraswati were a riot. I did 3 half way down and on the fourth went straight down to grab my ankles like I do with Sharath. But she was like "no no hands down walk in!" So I put my hands down to the floor and tried to walk in. I took my right hand to my right calf and was dangling there. She let go of my back with her arms so that she could help me grab my left calf with my left hand but without the support, I toppled over like a wheel onto my forearms and then she brought me back up to stand and "tried" to explain to me what she meant. I went back again, this time taking my hands to the floor. I walked my hands close to my heels then took my right hand to right calf. My other arm just hung there, she held me this time and reached for my left hand, instead, she grabbed my hair and gave it a tug (I think her had got a bit tangled). I yelped as she finally got my left hand and took it to my left calf. It was funny. Here is a video of Sharath doing drop backs. Enjoy!

At 1pm I had my cooking lesson at Tina's. It was like an interactive cooking show. She made Spinach dahl, stuffed eggplant, and chapathis. Here is how you make the eggplants. It is super super easy and SO SO good!

Super Tasty Stuffed Eggplants Tina Style
Get some fresh ginger and fresh garlic. It has to be organic. Put it in the blender and blend. You now have ginger garlic paste. This will keep in the fridge for 3 months! You might also be able to get this at the supermarket.

Now get yourself some eggplants. They have to be skinny and long. Preferably they are small (like only a couple of bites long), or you will chop them later. And obviously, they should also be organic.

Take a knife and slice open the eggplant lengthwise, but keep the stem on. Do this to all your eggplants.

Now take your fingers and glob some of that ginger garlic paste inside it and smoosh the 2 sides together. Its okay if the paste squishes out.

Heat some sunflower or safflower oil in a pan. NOT OLIVE OIL. This is Indian cooking!

Throw your eggplants in the pan. You want this to be medium to low heat. Cover them and everyone and a while toss the pan a bit so they get cooked all over. It is important that the heat is low and that it is covered as this will ensure that they get cooked all the way though, not just charred on the outside.

When you are able to squish into the eggplant easily with a spoon, they are ready. You can either serve them hot, or room temp. They are like super delicious and tasty roasted peppers Italian style. This is fast and you will love them!

This morning I was dreading the led class at 6:15. Headstand. When Elissa and I got there, I was tired and moody and a bit miffed that we had to wait outside because there were so many people. We could hear Sharath counting inside and it sounded like a hard class because he went more than 15 minutes over and they had what seemed like a 30 second Savasana. When those students started filling out, we started moving in. I claimed a pot front and center and hoped for the best. We seemed to be waiting a little longer than usual, and when I saw Saraswati escorting Guruji to the stage, we all could see why.

It was a nice surprise that Guruji taught the class not only because its Guruji, but also because he taught super fast and it made the struggle almost non-existent in headstand. I was actually quite funny. He was counting very quickly until he got to 7 and then he just stopped counting. I could hear him walking across the stage and I figured he had gone to help someone. I could see people starting to come down, but Sharath would say come back up. This went on for some time and then I came down and went back up and heard "eight!" Everyone laughed a bit. Elissa was practicing on the stage and she said that he actually had gone to the men's room! After uthpluthih, Sharath said "too easy!"

Many people are preparing to leave soon. Its strange to think that I will be here for some time still!