"I am just so frustrated that sometimes I want to cry"
Nope, those weren't my words this time, but a student of mine. I reassured them that this is normal, that this comes up, that I experience this, and in fact, experienced it just a few days ago. This practice is about so much more than the physical. It is a daily therapy session. (This is why the more I think about this line...
"Today, the style [ashtanga] appeals to Western devotees whose priority is a high-energy workout rather than an inner journey."
...From the April 23rd article in Time by Madhur Singh, I get so annoyed at how some people just don't get it at all. If I was in this for the bikini body, I'd save a lot of time and energy by just getting a gym membership. I'm sorry, but what a jerk.)
And now, here I sit, almost ten hours later, feeling the same way as my student from this morning. I feel frustrated, but mostly inadequate, or even unheard or unrecognized. These are all pretty silly things to be feeling, but the practice is bringing them up. Mostly the inadequacy one. That is a hard one to admit. I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings. I have been able to step back and hold them in my hands, but now I don't know if I should toss them and run, hide them behind my back, pour them over my head, or put them in a jar. So far, I've been hiding them behind my back, but the thing is when you do that, you know that they are there burning a hole in your pocket.
I can't help but think that perhaps they are tied to something else going on like the planning for India and feeling a mixture of excited and scared. I don't know. I just feel confused and kind of useless and worn out.
Maybe its control issues. I feel like I am losing control of a lot of things in my life right now and the one thing I had a bit of a grasp on was practice, all neat and folded in a tidy little drawer. But now with such intense work on those last few poses, I feel like I end with rough edges and the "high note" is frazzled.
So there's that. There's not knowing what will happen with my relationship when I go away. There's feeling like I'm making the wrong decision. There's fear of the unknown and messing up. There's fucking George Bush on TV today acting like an asshole. I mean he looked so nervous and was so unprepared that I just felt bad for him and disgusted with us for not doing something about it, but ultimately helpless because there is nothing to do.
And then there is sudoku. A ray of hope. I always thought these things were so stupid. Then I tried to understand how to do them and just couldn't be bothered. And then I sat down and tried to do one and kept messing up one after the other. And then, this week, I completed one. And now I can do them. They are challenging, but not impossible. You just need patience...Is a moonday coming up or what?
