Breathing, emotions, and back pain

Leslie Kaminoff talks a bit on the connection between breathing, emotions, and back pain.

Mysore Musings: A "Coming of Age" Yoga Adventure

I've got this question...what brings people to yoga, specifically ashtanga practice?   Outside of the typical superficial answers like a "type-a personality", I think there is something else.  I wonder if it is  a common thread or a different facet for each person.  I wonder.  I wonder what brings me to practice?

"You know it when you see it, but then you can't explain it."  It is like that.  So then, what brings me to Mysore?  What is this pull?  Am I trying to run away, to escape?  Or, am I running toward something.  It seems that perhaps if you are running toward something, you are always running away from something, that something being the place from which you just were.  So maybe its both or all of it.  But it is something bigger than putting my leg behind my head, grabbing my ankles, and lifting up in karandavasana (although the discipline to get to those places is paving the way to that something bigger).  

"You've got to get under those emotions and figure out the cause, the source."

Fear.  I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of being poor and hungry.  I'm afraid of losing everything.  I'm afraid of falling.  I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of dying.  I am afraid of dying without ever being fluent in french.  I am afraid that this is it and I'm not doing everything.

Is India the answer?  No.  I think the answer is me.  I am the answer.  I am the hero.  

What is this post about?  I think it is about coming of age on a yoga adventure.  I think it is about feeling my ribcage cracked open like an eggshell and my insides are gooey and raw.  Its watching myself watching myself watch myself.  Its about how it isn't about the asanas, but those are so much easier to talk about.  Its about developing a vocabulary for your soul.

Sudoku saves the day

"I am just so frustrated that sometimes I want to cry"

Nope, those weren't my words this time, but a student of mine.  I reassured them that this is normal, that this comes up, that I experience this, and in fact, experienced it just a few days ago.  This practice is about so much more than the physical.  It is a daily therapy session.  (This is why the more I think about this line...

"Today, the style [ashtanga] appeals to Western devotees whose priority is a high-energy workout rather than an inner journey."

...From the April 23rd article in Time by Madhur Singh, I get so annoyed at how some people just don't get it at all.  If I was in this for the bikini body, I'd save a lot of time and energy by just getting a gym membership.  I'm sorry, but what a jerk.)  

And now, here I sit, almost ten hours later, feeling the same way as my student from this morning.  I feel frustrated, but mostly inadequate, or even unheard or unrecognized.  These are all pretty silly things to be feeling, but the practice is bringing them up.  Mostly the inadequacy one.  That is a hard one to admit.  I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings.  I have been able to step back and hold them in my hands, but now I don't know if I should toss them and run, hide them behind my back, pour them over my head, or put them in a jar.  So far, I've been hiding them behind my back, but the thing is when you do that, you know that they are there burning a hole in your pocket.  

I can't help but think that perhaps they are tied to something else going on like the planning for India and feeling a mixture of excited and scared.  I don't know.  I just feel confused and kind of useless and worn out.

Maybe its control issues.  I feel like I am losing control of a lot of things in my life right now and the one thing I had a bit of a grasp on was practice, all neat and folded in a tidy little drawer.  But now with such intense work on those last few poses, I feel like I end with rough edges and the "high note" is frazzled.  

So there's that.  There's not knowing what will happen with my relationship when I go away.  There's feeling like I'm making the wrong decision.  There's fear of the unknown and messing up.  There's fucking George Bush on TV today acting like an asshole.  I mean he looked so nervous and was so unprepared that I just felt bad for him and disgusted with us for not doing something about it,  but ultimately helpless because there is nothing to do.

And then there is sudoku.  A ray of hope.  I always thought these things were so stupid.  Then I tried to understand how to do them and just couldn't be bothered.  And then I sat down and tried to do one and kept messing up one after the other.  And then, this week, I completed one.  And now I can do them.  They are challenging, but not impossible.  You just need patience...Is a moonday coming up or what?