Day Twenty-Six - No more bullying in yoga is allowed

As the spiritual decluttering continues and I am less numb and more willing to "sit with what is", old memories come up.  Samskaras.  I kind of wish that I could just do my practice and bliss out and connect with the infinite yay.  But I am also kind of glad that I am actually moving through these things finally instead of moving around them.

So there I am practicing and I am remembering how ever since I was a child people (adults) would remark "oh, you look so ethnic".  This was not a compliment.  How kids on the playground would make fun of my nose so much that my secret forever wish was to someday get plastic surgery.  All the times my body was different than everyone else's and I was called "fat".  The first instance was when I was little -- maybe 4?  Oh, and what it is like to be "developed" when you are a kid and everyone lets you know.  Now you are a sexual being, a woman, a temptation, a liability, a distraction.

I wish I could say that all that came to an end when I reached adulthood.  That society changed and we all evolved as humans.  Not exactly.

Yesterday I am in the middle of my practice and the thought of "fear" just keeps coming into my mind and as I explore it I remember so many times as an adult that I was bullied, shutdown, made fun of, discouraged, etc.  So much so that the first thing I see when I see images of myself in asana practice is a "roll" or "fat".  It takes my eyes a minute and sometimes a day to focus so that what I see is everything else.  Everything else that I see in anyone else rather than being hyper aware of anything that might be pointed out and made fun of. Strength, grace, beauty, hard work, ease, humanness, dedication...

We used to hate fashion magazines for depicting unrealistic images of beauty.  Now we have social media doing exactly the same.  News flash: most everyone gets a roll when they squish their body in one way or another.  Also, there's nothing wrong with having rolls. News flash: I know plenty of people who do "cleanses" or "eat light" before yoga asana photo shoots.  Maybe it is to "feel light" in their practice.  Maybe.

In the yoga community, I have been told that I am too heavy, that "life has caught up with me", I am too young, too old, the wrong shape, too stiff, too flexible, that my teacher disapproves of me and will kick me out of the shala, to stop writing, take down my blog, stop teaching, that I can't make it in India, my teacher made a mistake, that things just "come natural" to me, that I should stop teaching.  In this process of spiritual decluttering, I pick up each thing, realize it does not bring value and joy, tell it thank you and kindly discard.  What is interesting to me is that none of this bullying or negativity came from my teacher.  That I do have a select group of people in my life who are very supportive and when things get cluttered all I hear and remember is the hate.

Social media is a great tool to stay connected.  To encourage and build each other up.  To spread helpful information.  We need this.  Life can be lonely.  We need to support each other.  We need to raise the lowest common denominator and operate from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.  We need to be honest and truthful and consistent and respectful and move from a place of integrity.  We need to honor vulnerability, courageousness, bravery, generosity and kindness.  If we aren't doing these things, what are we doing?  What is the point?  We need to care for each other and for ourselves.  Nourish our bodies and our relationships and the planet.  Set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.  Admit mistakes and make things better.  Follow the niyamas and yamas.  That's pretty basic.

Oh, and it is no longer cool to comment on someone else's body or creativity with the intent to cut them down.  Even accidentally.

I want to be recognized for the quality of my character and hard work and dedication and grit and for being consistent and fair and kind and taking good care of myself.  Not for looking a certain way or just being nice or popular or just going along with everything even if it isn't right.

And urdva kukkutasana b is really hard.  REALLY hard until it isn't.  And I tell you what... I eat dinner and have a "normal" job and grind day in and day out alone and for me what it took and what it takes each day is an extreme and crazy belief that I can do it.  That I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy.  I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it.  I shut out "you're too heavy you're not strong you ate dinner this is too hard for you you'll never do it".  And I go back to "I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy".  That I am enough. I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it.  For me, that's how much of this yoga asana challenge/plateau/impossibility has come and gone.  Nose, mulabandha, positive thinking, let energy move.  Simplify.  That's where the grace is.

Exit: "Bad Reputation" Joan Jett

Day Twenty - Never give up

We all seem to be on the same vibe.  The more I talk to people about what I am doing, the more and more I hear the same response -- everyone is reducing their phone use and social media use or at least questioning it.  We are all craving more time outside.  We are going analog.  We still want our phones and tech.  Our phones are calculators and flashlights and cameras and day planners and notebooks and mini computers and how we can easily stay in touch with friends around the world and much more.  As tools, they add incredible value.  We are keeping our phones.

But we are leaving the fear of missing out and the anxiety and the interruptions and the stress and the pressure and constant unbearable suffocating noise.  We are staying present at dinner and finishing the conversation with the person in front of us and reading whole books and we are happy with what we have.  We are content just as we are in our own thoughts.  A moment of pause is welcome.  It is an opportunity to reflect and absorb and process and daydream and imagine.  Wide open blank space.

Memory is increasing.  Creativity increasing.  Energy and possibility increasing.

And yes, yet again, this week I'm thinking to myself how impossible ankle grabbing is and how that's it for me.  I'm over.  I'm 6 pounds heavier with inflammation and grumpy and uncomfortable and nope it is just not possible.  But mula bandha is the same.  And I can look at my nose so that is the same.  And I can steady my breathing.  And I direct the thinking to one steady place.  And there I am, on my "worst" day and I have this feeling of just "whoosh" breaking past all of that and the energy is just moving and some things are always within our reach.  Consistency.  Faith.  Never give up.

Exit:  "Same Mistakes"  The Echo Friendly

Day Twelve - Spiritual decluttering

Confession:

This morning I was dreading getting on my mat.
Absolutely dreading.

It seemed so daunting so hard so long.  A marathon.  Some days are like this.  This is why I try not to ask myself how I feel in the morning.  And I avoid giving others the opportunity to do so as well.  Because the answer is usually about the same (unless the coffee has kicked in) - definitely somewhere on the grim spectrum. So I stop thinking and I just do (this is the automatic like brushing teeth part).  And with each breath I forget that I have an option to walk away.  I am just in it.  And sometimes that feeling of dread passes as my entire being realizes there is nothing to dread at all.  Other times I can tell that I just didn't look hard enough because it is there buried deep down when I go looking.  And maybe it always will be.

Yesterday I did an old school 1993 led intermediate class.  With the sun shining and the birds singing and the steady "ekam... dve" for a lingering moment it felt like a Sunday led intermediate in India.  My attention was completely held in keeping pace with the count and keeping my breathing steady (what you mean the method actually works?) and the result was a complete lack of drama and such a nice little contrast to today.

Imagine someone hands you a cute little kitten.  And then another.  And another.  And so many kittens that the kittens are falling from your arms and scratching at your torso and jumping to the ground and you're scrambling to keep them all together for I don't know maybe an hour and forty five minutes.  Or maybe pretend that you're running in water and everyone is laughing at you.

I think I sounded like I was in pain.  Breathing loud and forced and obvious to any innocent bystander that I was not relaxed.  Intermediate plus third marathon.  So mental.  Hits me in some place from every possible angle and like some sort of surreal nightmare every thought and emotion and memory seems to be held in front of me and playing out like some sort of spiritual kon mari session from hell. And I am trying not to cry and I am trying to think of looking at nose squeezing anus steady breathing 5 breaths and then boom confusing childhood memory full of anxiety and stress and boom that thing someone said last week and boom how will this other thing play out tomorrow and boom boom boom they keep coming and I'm sniffling and its just yoga chill out.

This is what it is supposed to do.  Get to edge, work on self, enjoy benefit.  Rinse.  Repeat.  But wow.

Maybe because I am so raw after a practice like that (which is often where I am at at the moment) and I have just dropped into a flow state I feel like I can write.  Something breaks open and things just want to be expressed.  Creativity.  Love.  Sharing.  Calmness.  Drifting on the river.

Again, I sat down this afternoon to write and it was rough.  And I thought about the concept of flow state and wondered "when do I feel this outside of yoga"?  A long solo walk or hike.  Music for hours.  Reading for hours.  Cleaning.  So I did chores.  (For whatever reason calling cleaning/personal care activities "chores" makes them easier to do.  Finish your chores before watching TV, going out, seeing your friends, etc.) So I do the chores and wouldn't you know it: flow state and writing and trying to think what I can do now to have an easier go of it tomorrow.

Good food
Nourishing things/activities
Set clothes out
Set out coffee
Go to bed at decent hour
No screens an hour before bed
Imagine what it is like in the morning for the sweet baby me and do anything else that would be loving

Because the karmas will come no matter what we do.  And we want them to come.  We want to work through them.  We want to run toward the pain. The thoughts will come.  The vrittis will come.  The shenpa will come.  We want to be ready.

Day Nine - Ashtanga yoga is minimalist

Yoga is hard for me to write about.  Immediately I start to wander into the weeds.  Imposter syndrome.  Include everyone and over explain everything. Don't want to offend anyone or say the wrong thing. But the truth is that yoga is uncomplicated.

Yoga is the non-identification with the thought fluctuations of the mind.  Basically just realizing that our thoughts aren't us and operating from that place.  So it is not circus bending or sweating but what we do in our day-to-day lives.  It is a quality we bring to everything.

For some of us, we like to workshop that through putting our bodies in crazy places and then training ourselves to concentrate and relax.  It gets the organs and body healthy as well.  Because we have bodies and life is easier without bubble guts. And there is this sweet spot where the energy is just flowing and it feels like "ah this is what the body is for."  Or whatever.  Just magic.  That's the on the mat asana part.  And even that's minimalist.

Directions on how to yoga
1. Make body shape
2.  Squeeze anus
3.  Look at nose
4.  Do nothing else but 2 and 3 for 5 inhales and 5 exhales
5. Move out of body shape using breath
6. Move into next body shape using breath
7.  Maintain anus squeeze
8. Maintain nose looking
9.  Repeat
10.  Extra credit -- practice with happy

All this goes away
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
tiredness or agitation
stiffness

Do for 30 days.  First week will be hard.  By fourth week no turning back.  I know this because I have had plenty of time to experiment.  Seems so simple.  It is.  But I've lost it.  I've become cluttered and distracted. But I am back on week one of basic (all-you-need-extremely-powerful instruction) and the magic is coming back.

This is a reminder to myself. Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
The end.

The Yoga Comics - Always Mula Bandha

 

 via The Yoga Comics