Day Thirty - Observing

I took an actual vacation. So nourishing practicing at Mysore Phoenix.

I can't explain why I haven't written.  Perhaps it was because I told myself that all things were on hold until the 30 days were through.  After that I would decide where I wanted to put my energy next.  Perhaps that scared me.  Because there's so much on my mind.  And decisions that will have to be made.  And when I commit to one thing, I am saying no to everything else in the world. And I'm overthinking it.  Could be so many other things and reasons and excuses.  That one just seems the most available.  The first in line. Like I said, I can't explain. I search for why but the answer keeps hiding around corners just beyond my reach.

And anyway, I suppose that is what this blog -- the first 30 days at least -- that is what it is/was supposed to be about.  Attempting to write for 30 days.  Or 30 posts, as it came to be.

The trouble is overthinking it.  And getting distracted.  1+2= no post today for a few days now I suppose.  How easy it is to just give up.

But here we are.  All my writing notes and plans and ideas tucked away somewhere in a bag and I am just writing.  Just showing up.

These 30 days of trying a new habit, a creative habit, have reminded me of a few common patterns that we share.

1.  It is easy to get distracted.
That is what the mind does.  It moves to the next shiny, loud, dangerous thing because it doesn't want to get killed in the jungle, right?  We haven't changed so much.  I try to remind myself of this.  To not be so hard on myself.  To sit with what is.  To decide how to move forward, present in each tiny step.

2.  It takes time to adjust to change.
Habits start far in the distance.  With time they move closer and closer.  Arm distance.  Warmth distance. Skin distance.  The tricky part is they have to go inside your skin.  The deeper they go toward your center, the more likely they will continue as things change.  And things absolutely will change.  And we will move with the change and leave the habit behind.  And then we remember.  And then we try to bring the habit in again.  This is normal.

3. Give from your overflow.
Everyone always says to "fill up your cup" so you have something to give.  What happens when your cup is empty again?  Exhaustion, burn out, health issues, etc.  The part where I am convinced that I just don't do things as well as everyone else.  I'm damaged...  The math is simple.  You always keep your cup full and give from the overflow.  Even little things start to make sense.

4.  If you are used to your cup never overflowing then you will be confused when it nears the top.
You don't know what it is like to be full so you think that the increased vitality that you are feeling is overflow.  You know that this is the case when you commit to something and don't complete it.  Or not the way you meant to or you nail it but then are completely exhausted lying on the floor in the dark don't talk to me please.

5.  It is really hard to be honest, open, and vulnerable.
But we are all better off when we are.  We don't have time for BS in this life.  If something can be improved, healed, helped, we have to do it.




It isn't over.  There is a lot I want to write about.  I am just taking time with the words.  Message me if you have a subject on your mind.  That will help.





Exit: "A Silver Song" Conspiracy of Owls

Day Twenty-Seven - Facebook detox

Wow -- Facebook really triggers me.

This morning I noticed that the first thing that I reached for after coffee was a screen.  Any screen.  I don't know why.  I haven't written in three days - demerits.  I think I was searching for a writing prompt.  I picked up a book and put it down.  Stared at my notebook in the distance and didn't pick it up. Opened and closed email without even reading anything.  Opened Facebook.  Didn't even scroll -- just an onslaught of information and things that I missed and am not a part of and a whole world that exists, a secret club that I am not allowed into.  All the things that I failed to do.  All the credit I didn't receive.

After taking so much time off from social media, my baseline state is no longer a hardy mix of anxiety and stress. Instead, it is a neutral flow.  It has taken months, actually - even years, to get here.  And so when I gaze at the open Facebook page I can notice in a very real way how triggered I am.  It feels similar to when you are off sugar for a while and then eat a processed snack.  All you taste is plastic.

Facebook didn't originally have "likes".  It was just status updates.  I forgot about this evolution until I was recently reminded by an interview with Cal Newport. (Digital Minimalism is on my reading list.)   And then came the algorithm that made sure that you only got "likes" some of the time.  Essentially following the Vegas models that made sure you lost and won "likes" just enough to keep you coming back for more.

Should I delete Facebook?  You can download your photos and always start a new page...  But all of the modern marketing teachings echo in my head: remember that it is a useful tool that offers a place for us to build supportive communities, share valuable information, and stay connected.  The key here is using the tool rather than the tool using us.

The minimalist decision tree

1. Does it feel good?

      2.  No
           3. Is it necessary?

                4. If Yes --> Only in small doses
                4. If No --> Don't do it/buy it/keep it/think it

      2.  Yes
           3. Is it depleting, neutral, or energizing?

                4. Focus on energizing and neutral, minimize depleting

I should delete Facebook.  But I can't.

Belize 2019.  Off the grid and so happy.

Exit: "Farewell" Bob Dylan

Day Twenty-Four - Rest day, you take rest

In the Ashtanga yoga tradition, we “take rest” one day per week from asana practice - usually a Saturday or Sunday.  I have always kept the routine of one day off per week (plus new/full moon days and first three days of menstruation). I figure if we are going to take the prescription we should follow the prescription.  In my process this year of coming back to my center, decluttering, minimizing, self-reflection - I am realizing that deep down I truly do not ever rest except for the weekly break from asana.

I am not a rule follower.  I do not do well with authority at all.  The thing is when I believe in something, I commit, and I go hard.  So when my yoga teacher says to take a day off each week from practice - that's exactly what I will do.  The end.

New Mexico is filled with an incredible variety of gorgeous natural retreats.  We found one deep in the mountains, past any road that the average vehicle would travel, so remote that phones were thrown deep into bags because service was so completely out of the question.  Roads unmarked and so questionable that we needed a local to guide us down the same road that we had previously attempted, but deeper.  Much deeper into the tall trees and wild grasses and fresh high altitude air.  Bear country.  Mountain lion country. Rattlesnake country.  As we continued deeper in, the only man made items were those that we curated.  Just the essentials. We instantly fell into the pace and simplicity and didn’t miss TV or books or restaurants or the convenience of anything.  I woke through the night terrified of the sounds of squirrels that I truly believed to be mountain lions.  We woke at peace and relaxed and completely grounded and present.

Hours later I realized that I felt happy.  And that’s when the guilt set in.  

I observed the thought.  It is a feeling that I am going to "get caught" or "get in trouble".  I asked "why?"  The answer that came was that I don’t believe that I am allowed to or deserve to rest or take a break or relax.  Again, I asked "why?"  Silence. Clutter.  System shut down.

Ok, brain.  Let's begin here.  You believe in your yoga practice, right?
Yes.
Do you think that maybe you could extend that to your life?
Yes, that's the point.
Ok, great.  So, take a day to truly rest.  Or just give yourself a break.
Yes, that's make sense.
Ok, great.  That's how we live now.  Also, you're simplifying everything, right?  And it feels good?
Yes.
Ok, great.  This one day off a week pattern seems to work and is established in one area of your life.  Why not piggyback on that with other areas so that you have a designated break?
Yes, that makes sense.
Ok, great.  One more thing.  Who establishes the benchmark for your success and expectations?
I do.
Ok, great.  Are you meeting all your personal benchmarks and expectations?
No.
Well, what's missing?
More blank space.  More travel.  More teaching.  More art and creativity and flow time and shala time.
Ok, great.  Maybe that's the guilt.  You felt happy and at peace and were feeling guilty that you aren't  doing that for yourself more.  That you aren't moving from your own inner space.  Could it be that?
I feel guilty again.
Ok, let's just work on more rest time.
Yes.  Ok.

Day Twenty - Never give up

We all seem to be on the same vibe.  The more I talk to people about what I am doing, the more and more I hear the same response -- everyone is reducing their phone use and social media use or at least questioning it.  We are all craving more time outside.  We are going analog.  We still want our phones and tech.  Our phones are calculators and flashlights and cameras and day planners and notebooks and mini computers and how we can easily stay in touch with friends around the world and much more.  As tools, they add incredible value.  We are keeping our phones.

But we are leaving the fear of missing out and the anxiety and the interruptions and the stress and the pressure and constant unbearable suffocating noise.  We are staying present at dinner and finishing the conversation with the person in front of us and reading whole books and we are happy with what we have.  We are content just as we are in our own thoughts.  A moment of pause is welcome.  It is an opportunity to reflect and absorb and process and daydream and imagine.  Wide open blank space.

Memory is increasing.  Creativity increasing.  Energy and possibility increasing.

And yes, yet again, this week I'm thinking to myself how impossible ankle grabbing is and how that's it for me.  I'm over.  I'm 6 pounds heavier with inflammation and grumpy and uncomfortable and nope it is just not possible.  But mula bandha is the same.  And I can look at my nose so that is the same.  And I can steady my breathing.  And I direct the thinking to one steady place.  And there I am, on my "worst" day and I have this feeling of just "whoosh" breaking past all of that and the energy is just moving and some things are always within our reach.  Consistency.  Faith.  Never give up.

Exit:  "Same Mistakes"  The Echo Friendly

Day Nineteen - Moon day vibes

On the first day of each month I burn copal that I picked up in Mexico.  They say burning copal cleans crystals and energy and is a powerful conduit to the spirit world.  It is different than incense.  It seems stronger somehow.  The scent is different, the smoke is different, even when you try to light it you realize it is more like lighting a fire.  The dried resin smokes and fills the room and your house and it is a new month with all the energy of a new year.  So far, that is how 2019 has felt for me.  Each month an entire year in itself.  Pretty soon a decade will have come to pass and one moment I feel so different and the next exactly the same.

But wait -- I still wake throughout the night and with nightmares... I'd say I am a terrible sleeper.  

But wait -- isn't that a massive improvement from not being able to sleep at all?  

But wait -- I've got some major inflammation happening right now so I'd say nothing is working.  

But wait -- isn't it much less than it was?  And isn't it only now actually correlating with normal cycles instead of just a continuous haze of confusion and uncomfortableness?  And what about the tiredness and anxiety and stress?  That's still there.  

But wait -- didn't you used to drink extremely strong coffees with 4 shots each throughout the day?  And have to workout on top of that?  And need to listen to crazy intense music to be able to concentrate?  And struggle with procrastination and finishing projects?  And every other legal self-medication strategy that made sense?  

Aren't you doing a lot more now on and with much less?  Now that you have decluttered?  

Ok, I guess that's true.

So right now here is life, decluttered.

1. Seeing doctor about nutrition

Taking supplements as prescribed, clean diet, food diary

2. Mysore practice

3. Journal

Schedule lives here as well as notes, idea, plans, etc.

4. Kon Mari'd house

5.  Social media detox

6.  Tech detox

7.  Tracking budget

8.  Office 

Decluttering the unnecessary and one thing at a time

9.  One thing at a time

Also, one project at a time

10.  Listen to body/mind

11.  Reading

12. Write for 30 days

And I guess it is true that I have noticed other things besides unresolved feelings...  My memory is getting better.  My attention span longer.  I am maintaining eye contact.  My creativity is coming back.  My voice...  I never realized how much they had all diminished.

FOMO is gone.

Noticing how much my identity is tied up in my yoga practice.  Somehow noticing even more how essential it is.

Exit: "Different Now" Chastity Belt

Day Eighteen - Burnout

This morning I spilled searing hot coffee on bare legs and considered downloading Instagram.  I imagined curating my feed to reflect a clean and inspiring deluge of color and ideas and how I’d post on occasion when it really felt good. And then I exited the idea factory in my brain and settled into my stomach and felt dread and fear and doom and anxiety. It should bring joy or don’t do it.

Too soon. Social media detox continues.

I wrote the above sentiment before my yoga practice.  I was hot and inflamed and groggy and feeling terrible. None of my yoga clothes available. Coffee made for me but not according to my direction.  All things bad all things bad all things bad.  And somehow somewhere something happens and one foot goes in front of the other and I’m greeted with patience and kindness and I just stand on my mat and ok inhale hands up exhale fold. And I’m sweating and I’m moving and everything is ok.

This is just it.  The yoga works.  But you have to let it.  You have to get out of your own way.  You have to keep showing up.  And once you do sometimes the decluttering has already happened.  You have already done the work.  And you just climb into a river of energy and plug in and flow.  Other times you have to do the decluttering and you just sit in your space and cry or you hold each object but there’s too much for just one session.  And sometimes you’re really lucky.  You’re in the worst place and you feel awful and everything seems heavy and congested and impossible and somehow you’re persuaded to practice and you do and you come out the other side.

I think this is one thing that I enjoyed about Instagram.  I had started posting some practice photos and videos and people would tell me that it inspired them during tough times. That’s pretty powerful stuff and to me part of what this whole internet thing can do for us — help us truly connect.  It would be nice to find a way to have that kind of impact without feeling absolutely energetically sucked dry.  Just to put that out in the universe. I am sure it has something to do with balance and an internal homeostasis which has a lot to do with residing in an internal world of unshakeable integrity and clarity.  It starts with this:

My time is valuable
I am valuable
My education, knowledge, and experience are valuable
Please be aware that when it comes to yoga and me that you have entered a no bullshit area
I am allowed to say “no”
I am allowed to be available when I decide
I am allowed to change directions
I am allowed to make my own health and needs my number one priority

Also, you are entitled to all of the above as well.  I respect you, your time, and your process.

I went to an energy healer when the stagnation, the tamas, got really bad.  She said she used to work in a crystal store and the energy was just so intense she had to constantly clear herself out.  She walked me through her meditation that she would use.  Part of it involves creating a dome around you.  Everyone that looks in is greeted with something comforting and warm like glowing lavender love.  And when you look out you see something nourishing as well.  The ocean kept coming up for me.  Every time I ever sat staring out at the horizon.  The waves, the color, the push and pull that has always been and always will.  I think this was Cancun.  Maybe 2017.

Exit: “Fuck things up” Dope Lemon

Day Seventeen - Some things last a long time

I am sitting here late on a Saturday noticing how strange I feel. I am thinking about a podcast I heard recently where someone was describing how their family reacted to their beginning stages of minimalism behavior.  “I realize I am getting rid of things and pulling away from some people but it is because I am removing things that don’t bring value as well as distancing myself from toxic relationships.  I am being intentional...not suicidal.”  

It is true - the distance between me and everything else that had become my daily life is widening.  It is happening on its own.  I gave myself permission to feel and to be honest and now I don’t have a taste for pretending.

In Mysore it is normal for someone to hide away in their house until the next practice.  Or just not talk to anyone at breakfast.  Or to have hours long conversations with strangers who become friends as the turning over of ideas continue from one day to the next.  Mysore is a little city in India where students gather from all over the world to learn yoga straight from the source.  I had no idea when I arrived on my first trip twelve years ago that it is also a place where people gather for deep transformation. They still do.

You can quietly show up for practice, talk to no one, cry on your mat, talk to no one, stay in your house all day.  Or show up to breakfast and talk to a stranger about childhood patterns you are trying to make sense of or lie side by side on your friend’s cold floor for hours trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life.  You get cracked open and you process and you look around and someone else is crying on their mat too.  And you have a pretty good idea what’s going on — some similar shade of realization, understanding, or transformation.

That’s what is happening.  My insides are recreating Mysore.  Yoga plus one.  Simplicity.  Getting quiet and empty and questioning everything.  In this space the toxins and pent up emotions and things we just don’t want to face and the things we hide away — they just arise.  And I’m crying on my yoga mat and going to the office like its normal.  As I write this and think of Mysore I remember that this is a good thing.  You have to let it out.  You have to feel and consider and sometimes you have to let go, leave, change, and say goodbye.  

You can’t be afraid of leaving something you might need just in case. You can’t be afraid.  You have to forgive yourself for the fast fashion and temporary fixes from home decor to relationships.  You have to thank everything and everyone and every thought as you let them go.  They were all there for you in one way or another.  You’re here now.  In the widening deep silence your job is to get in touch with who you actually are beyond all the shit you have collected throughout a lifetime.  And focus on that.  Big changes.  Sweaters that last forever.  Friends for life.  

Exit:  “Some things last a long time” Daniel Johnston

Day Sixteen - Journaling

Out of my head and onto the paper. (It has to be paper.  A digital note seems to just shelf a thought.) Something happens where I start to digest and process instead of an endless merry-go-round in my head. The thought jumps out of the skating rink and onto the paper and it is smaller and more manageable and I can see where it Tetris-es with everything else.  Or maybe I hold it and see if it brings me joy and whether to keep it or throw it out hopefully for good thanking it for the knowledge it brought.

This entry from my “journal” seems to reflect things I have noticed since detoxing my life and embracing minimalism, essentialism, whateverism...
Learn to say no - very hard and need to begin immediately
24 hours for a decision - the impulse “yes” is unnecessary
One in one out - know what I have, operate from a space of clarity
A million tasks - my tendency
Bookmarks - basically same as above
Articles - see above
Books - see above
Lists - see above. Why this pattern? Maybe I’m looking for something?
Picking at skin, hair - truth
Overeating - starting to notice
Picking up phone - uh huh
Adding activities - see “lists” above.
Food diary - helpful
Budget app - helpful
Screen time - helpful
Adding activities without finishing current projects - see “lists”
One thing you do - see “lists”
Subtracting creates and expands white space which elevates everything that remains

Day Fourteen - Declutter yoga practice

Ashtanga is simple and specific.  You'd think it would get easier.  Nope.  That would be like having a guitar and expecting it to make its own music.  And actually the more complicated we make it, the harder the practice becomes (and not in a productive way).

When we are in the thick of transformation we can tell it is us that is freaking out and not the practice because the practice is the same.  Peel away the distractions, noise, extra dialogue and instructions and caring at all how it looks. Keep polishing it down to bandha, breathing, vinyasa, asana, drishti and we can tell that we are different.  We are changing.  The practice is simply holding the space.  That's the thing with doing similar forms every day.  Our senses become heightened.

So I remind myself to let it be easy.  To just show up.  Yoga is uncomplicated at the core.

Strip away all the extra well-meaning bullshit.

I'll try to remember to prep tonight for tomorrow:

Clothes and coffee

And I'll try to remember this:

Pick space on floor

Designate space with yoga mat if it makes it easier

Eliminate everything that uses electricity or at least reduce

Connect with breath

Look at nose and maintain 

Think of nothing else but "look at nose"

Stay a little or a lot (insert asana here)

Rest

Get on with day

Each day:  Yoga + 1 = plenty

Day Thirteen - Social media detox observations

You notice that you still twitch and reach for a phone that is not even there (less and less but still happening)

You want to check updates on something, anything for no reason at all (also decreasing and adding something productive to replace the tick such as read book or draw picture or smile at stranger or clean dishes)

You notice how FOMO gradually diminishes and more and more you just enjoy the company of yourself

You feel relieved to not have constant interruption each time someone double clicks your photo notification after notification flight deals discounts something available someone just posted something latest news you should do this now are you aware of this other thing so much of everything all the time scandal scandal scandal that when your friend reaches out you are already a code red

You don't know what to do with yourself actually -- in moments of intensity, silence, waiting, pause -- and that starts to become interesting

You crave deep silence and so much of our surroundings seem too loud and kind of annoying and so obviously marketing

You realize how much you complained and gossiped and didn't even know you were and now whenever you say anything even vaguely negative about anything you are intensely aware of it

The same goes for the opposite.  Manic highs are exhausting.  You decide you'd rather be respected than liked.

You notice that you are actually reading and saying "hi" to neighbors and looking people in the eye

You are completing projects and learning to articulate your feelings and exploring this idea of boundaries and what you actually need to feel in balance each day

You are realizing that you too are a human and just like everyone else, you too are entitled to your own spectrum of feelings and viewpoints and boundaries and tastes and priorities.  

You start taking everything a whole lot less personally when it isn't personal and save the fire for things that actually do need that warrior spirit

You are less reactive

In fact, you seem to notice how high strung so much of our lives are and how unnecessary it is

You notice how many books and articles you actually read now and remember what you just read instead of needing to read a passage multiple times in order to retain any information

You start to notice everyone else more or maybe just in a different way

You start to feel that there is more and more time for everything in life but first you desperately need to heal

Day Eleven - Books

Tired. End of day posts are something to get used to I suppose.  Or just stop doing.

I'll keep it simple.  Books.  Current reads and past reads that I have on my mind.

Astanga Yoga Anusthana

Everything That Remains

Hatha Yoga Pradipika

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

The More of Less

No Impact Man

Wabi Sabi Welcome

Yoga Sutras

And reading -- the fact that I love doing it, believe it is very important, and am finally making the time.  And slowly, painfully, the muscle is coming back.  

Yesterday I was waiting for someone and in the stillness, the purgatory, the lengthy pause in the flow of life we call "waiting", the opportunity to simply exist in time observing and absorbing and processing and just relaxing the brain if we wanted to was presented and I of course almost immediately reached for my phone.  A knee-jerk, completely unconscious action.  My body received a signal and reacted with what it has been trained to do - get phone.  And my phone was purposefully hidden and turned off way beyond my reach.  And I could feel myself getting angry (even though I was the one who placed it at a distance and turned it off). And I thought for a second - ok what about a book?  If you need something to do so badly, why not grab that book?  I think that might be progress.

Day Ten - Shopping

I should start by saying "thank you" to everyone who has reached out with gratitude and encouragement.  The anus squeezing, in particular, seemed to bring value.

Right now I'm just really curious.  I am asking questions and experimenting.

1.  Can I try to only grocery shop on Saturdays? 

You'd probably call me a picky eater.  I totally accept that.  So I told myself if I ran out of something that I needed that I would go to the store before Saturday.  Also, would it be different if I wrote a list out on a piece of scrap paper instead of on my phone?  I started this experiment sometime in May.  And I have been keeping track of spending this month as well.

So pulling transactions, here are the food shopping results:
May 2 Thursday
May 3 Friday
May 4 Saturday
May 7 Tuesday
May 10 Friday -- this is probably when I started with the "just Saturdays"
May 11 Saturday
May 18 Saturday
May 25 Saturday

I've noticed that I start panicking when the supply of something gets low.  But how will I get through my day without that food item????  I reassure myself that I can always go to the store to buy it.  Then I write it on the scrap paper list.  And then somehow I forget about it and each day goes by and it is fine and then boom it is Saturday again.

As I started this habit something else happened.  I realized that I did not enjoy always going to the store.  It felt like this constant nag and drudgery.  Always having to go to the store.  It felt like all I ever did.  And so when I noticed the paper towels were low I put them on the scrap paper list.  And when I drove by the store (not on a Saturday) I could feel a pang of not wanting to go there and so I told myself it was ok we could go tomorrow.  And somehow I didn't run out of paper towels by the next day and I didn't feel like going to the store (there were other things that I wanted to do) and so I would keep putting it off until Saturday.  Saturday would arrive and I would go to the growers market and there weren't paper towels there and so I would say "ok I'll go after the growers market" but then being outside felt so nice and there were other things I wanted to do besides shop and so I would put it off.

It has been three or more weeks and somehow I still have paper towels.  I have no idea what I am doing differently.  Was I sleep-tearing paper towels off the roll before?  Was I taking extravagant paper towel baths?  Or maybe just mindlessly tearing off one sheet at a time and dropping it in the garbage?

2.  Clothing. 

I am fascinated with capsule wardrobes.  I always have been.  I remember as a teenager reading articles about rock stars and how they just had their favorite t-shirt and jeans or leathers and boots and that's all they wore.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE costuming and beautiful things and artisan whatever and creativity.  Absolutely love. But I do get really frustrated with cheaply made items that don't fit well or scratch or don't seem to match anything else or are covered with plastic made in horrible facilities by people who don't really have any other choices.  (But don't worry they have AC they aren't even sweating.)

As I started to notice my food/housing purchases shifting, I started to ask the same questions about clothing.  I had a note on my phone.  It was a never-ending stream of consciousness list of things I needed to get.  Food, clothing, doctor appointments, etc.

I deleted it.

And then I got dressed.  And somehow I magically had everything I needed.

I was subscribing to a clothing rental box.  It was really great in that I always had new clothes, I did not need to maintain them, I'd just wear them and send them back.  This was the first step in my cutting down on shopping.  I had the thrill of always having something new and it was a fixed cost.  But making the time to send the boxes back was time I'd never get back.  And the time picking out what I'd be getting in the next box.  And all the times I lost the return bag and had to find a new one.  And all the boxes and papers that came with each shipment.  I could imagine a pile of the boxes somewhere on this planet that we share.  The pile growing larger and larger.  Filling my house, my neighbor's house, the whole street.

I deleted my account.

And I freaked out.  What will I wear to work each day?  And I told myself that it was ok -- if I needed something I would just go buy it.  And somehow I would get through that day and then I'd panic and then I'd tell myself it was ok just write it on the scrap paper list and somehow I'd get through that day as well telling myself I would buy whatever on Saturday.

And something happened.  I haven't bought anything.  Somehow I have all the clothes I need.  For now at least.  Everything fits.  I can clean and repair items myself.

I have everything I need.

Again, I started this experiment about mid-May.  Here is what my clothing shopping history has been like:
March 7
March 11
March 13
March 14
March 17
April 4
April 7
April 8
April 9
April 14
April 18
May 3
May 6
Basically, I had been shopping for clothing at least once per week.  It has been about 3 weeks since my last purchase.

I'm focused on just doing one project at a time right now.  Completing that.  Then the next.  Running toward quality and consistency and away from overwhelm.  But when I complete my 30 days of writing, what about maybe project 333?  Anyone with me?

I've noticed that I have a tick.  There's a surge and I want to pick up my phone.  I want to write something on the list.  Go shopping.  Text.  Check useless apps.  Pick at my skin or hair.  Check email check email check email.  Scrollllllll.  Collect things on wish lists.  Anything.  So I cut off the shopping outlet.  And I am keeping a food diary so I cut off the eating outlet.  And I am fully turning off my phone so I cut that out.  And Game of Thrones is over so I cut out streaming (watching the entire series just once takes 3 days, how many times have I rewatched???). And so I am more and more analog all the time. And the surges, the ticks still come.  And I read a book.  Go to the library.  Paint.  Draw.  Write.  Take care of the objects I still have.  Let my mind have a break.  (Which actually it isn't even there yet.  It is still panicking and anxious about something beyond shopping.  And I'm trying to sit with that and let it just happen.)  

And something else is happening.

3.  My spending habits have significantly changed.  

Ever since I started to slow down and pay attention, this month alone (really just a few weeks) I have spent almost half of what I spent last month.  This absolutely shocks me.

I am not trying to be frugal.  I just don't want to be just a consumer.  It feels gross to have so many things that the things that I don't use frequently just take up space and aren't maintained and lose value and become crap.  It just feels so wasteful.  I want to spend my time doing things other than shopping and maintaining my museum of stuff.  I want the time to figure out what that thing is that I want to do.  And of course I want the funds to support the causes, do the things, and purchase the items that really do bring value to my life.

4.  My diet/exercise/body has changed.

I'm avoiding social media, media at all so I don't really have anything that I am subconsciously comparing myself to.  I'm working with a doctor on my nutrition so I'm eating very clean and local and nourishing and I'm keeping a food diary so that's a good constant too.  And I'm only doing my daily yoga practice -- that's it.  And I'm listening for when my body is sending me signals and trying to respond accordingly.  Body are you hungry? Full? Tired? Scared? etc.  Body you don't have to push through and go numb.  Body I will take care of you.  And the inflammation is going away.  And the number on the scale is much more consistent.  And all my clothes fit better.  And then I don't feel a need to go buy more clothes.  And the serpent eats its tail.

Day Nine - Ashtanga yoga is minimalist

Yoga is hard for me to write about.  Immediately I start to wander into the weeds.  Imposter syndrome.  Include everyone and over explain everything. Don't want to offend anyone or say the wrong thing. But the truth is that yoga is uncomplicated.

Yoga is the non-identification with the thought fluctuations of the mind.  Basically just realizing that our thoughts aren't us and operating from that place.  So it is not circus bending or sweating but what we do in our day-to-day lives.  It is a quality we bring to everything.

For some of us, we like to workshop that through putting our bodies in crazy places and then training ourselves to concentrate and relax.  It gets the organs and body healthy as well.  Because we have bodies and life is easier without bubble guts. And there is this sweet spot where the energy is just flowing and it feels like "ah this is what the body is for."  Or whatever.  Just magic.  That's the on the mat asana part.  And even that's minimalist.

Directions on how to yoga
1. Make body shape
2.  Squeeze anus
3.  Look at nose
4.  Do nothing else but 2 and 3 for 5 inhales and 5 exhales
5. Move out of body shape using breath
6. Move into next body shape using breath
7.  Maintain anus squeeze
8. Maintain nose looking
9.  Repeat
10.  Extra credit -- practice with happy

All this goes away
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
tiredness or agitation
stiffness

Do for 30 days.  First week will be hard.  By fourth week no turning back.  I know this because I have had plenty of time to experiment.  Seems so simple.  It is.  But I've lost it.  I've become cluttered and distracted. But I am back on week one of basic (all-you-need-extremely-powerful instruction) and the magic is coming back.

This is a reminder to myself. Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
The end.

Day Eight - Getting through it

I first started blogging in 2007.  I was about to leave for my first trip to India.  How it used to go when backpacking was that you had to find a payphone and you'd call your mom and you'd rack up hundreds of dollars in phone bills.  Or you'd write letters and postcards to loved ones whose addresses you kept tucked into a notebook somewhere in your pack.  By then everyone - or at least most people - had an email address.  And you had to search a little but you could find internet cafes and you'd pay too much and you'd write an email to each person.  Until you found out about group emails.  Then you did that.  That was the plan.  And I was about to leave for India and my friend said "hey, you should do a blog."

Here we are again.  I'm not leaving for India tomorrow. Or anywhere.  

The opposite, actually.

I am staying in.

And here is the update:

Each minute that I write this I get more and more tired.  Not the I had the best day of my life fall asleep hugging my pillow with a smile on my face kind of tired.  Its the I just want a bag of chips and to binge watch ANYTHING kind of tired. There has got to be a better way.  

Note to self -- write in morning.

The tiredness seeps in and takes over.

Day Seven - Signs and symptoms of needing an overhaul/intervention/fresh start/whatever

I was trained to be responsible.  Even if inside I didn't want more responsibility I did want to know that I was doing the right thing.  More responsibility must then be good, right?  Do more.  Be more.

If you ever dared to ask if I was burned out or if I needed help or if I perhaps took on too much or if I maybe needed a vacation or a rest --  I apologize.  Because you deeply insulted me without knowing it.  I know how I most likely reacted and how I probably still will.  At least for a while.  Because that training is really deeply rooted in there.  Can't show weakness or need help.  Can't say no.  It would be too embarrassing and humiliating and a sign of failure.  And asking me to take on responsibility, telling me "good job" or "she has it handled" or we "never worry about her" was the greatest compliment and heaviest burden.

My happiest moments were at 17 backpacking with only the clothes on my body and a jansport school bag.  At 20 walking 15 miles a day across Spain with only the absolute essentials of survival.  India.  Even when it was horrible and hard and miles and miles beyond my comfort zone.

I realize that's an extreme and I don't want to live in an extreme way.  Not at all.  And I don't want to escape.  I want 100% engagement and nutrition and balance in the world not on the fringes of the world as a hermit.  I didn't realize the responsibility habit/behavior/thought pattern/burden until recently.  Until I stopped everything and started to do less and started to listen to my inside world and prioritizing observing.  The outside signs have been there all along.

outside signs of too much/too many/too often:
being in the red in any part of life
stress
anxiety
overwhelm
dust on anything
rushing
pressure
tiredness
exhaustion
dissatisfaction
needing more
not sleeping
bad digestion
bloating
decision fatigue
fomo

And now I am beginning to see secret clutter places.  Each is a constant teeny torture tug on my mind.

secret clutter places:
people
social media handles/websites/profiles
"friends" or "connections" on social media
phone contacts
apps on phone
office supplies
electrical chords
information captured by websites
search histories
books
articles
bookmarks on browser
to-do list
ideas
should's
guilt
anger
hurt
newsletter subscriptions to email
unanswered email
photos
text messages
calls
obligations
owing someone emotional debt/baggage
sense of responsibility for others or things
all the things I can't maintain or don't maintain but am supposed to have
glass recycling
dying plants
doctor visits/process overwhelm
gifts or inherited items that don't bring me joy
free things with a story
junk mail
unseen drawer storage
cds and external hard drives
music I don't care for
things I might need "just in case"
asana

Yes, asana.  Really, if I am losing the integrity of the practice, I need to to less.  In life or on the mat I need to do less.

signs in practice
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day

I think this is the part where I decide what I want to include. They say yoga +1 each day.  They say write down the 10 most important things, cross out the bottom 5.  Nothing exists until the top 5 are done.  Each exhale we die, each inhale we are born.  A little bit all the time.  Slowly slowly, you take.  Each day a fresh start.

Day Six - Minimalism & Money

It is about being intentional.
Laser focused.
Highly saturated.
Streamlined and efficient.
No excess.

It happened quickly.
The space around me was finally in homeostasis.
Suddenly, the spirit of minimalism went inside.
And it is not about less or deprivation.
It is about living a highly curated life.
Feeling 100% on everything.
And I wasn't.  I was partially asleep on everything.
Just the process of observing increased the feeling of being in tune with each moment, action, thought.  That feeling is addicting and gives energy and leads to good things so we are keeping that.

So anyway, here's what I did.  And it is working.
I figure it is always the same -- it should be simple.

Observation Phase
Basically knew I needed to keep a money diary
First tried a note on my phone - didn't maintain it
Tried a few different apps, found one that I liked
Tracked exact spending and just watched my behavior and patterns without changing anything
Got exact retirement savings numbers, exact HSA, exact investments, etc.
Just observed.

What I saw
My financial picture wasn't functioning logically
I was spending on things I didn't use or actually enjoy (not always but enough)
Impulse purchases/not intentional purchases
Money not earning money

Experimenting
I asked - can I cut expenses?
Can I try not to buy for a day and extend the time of no spend days?
Can I pause and then delete autopays that I no longer enjoy or need? (Strangely embarrassing to do)
Can I set a grocery day and only shop on that day?
Can I bring my own food?
Can I carry a thermos for water/tea?
What if I physically write down shopping lists on scrap paper instead of using my phone?
Can I designate a budget?
What if I keep a food diary along with this?

More questions
Can I get extra cash to work?
Can I save more?
Can I max retirement contributions/get match?
Question expenses -- do I really need to do that that way?
Can I DIY?
Can I trade, recycle, reuse, borrow?
What do I value?
Do I have a gift card I can use for that?
Can I create a capsule wardrobe from my closet?
Can I do that myself instead of paying someone to do it?
Are there free activities that I can do that are equally as fun?

What happened
Created financial goals
More intentional/conscientious about money
Paying attention in the day-to-day
Unleashing creativity- food, work, activities, painting, writing
Happier
Calmer
Steadiness of mind
Gravitating toward people with similar values

Unexpected side effect -- new habit created on its own
Instead of scrolling social media I go on my budget app and update transactions
Financial fomo replaced social media fomo

Day Five - The minimalist decision tree

Day five on this little 30 day writing challenge that I have imposed on myself is the hardest so far.

Ok, just show up. Ok.

I don't know what to write.  I am tired.  I never fully woke up today.  I am moody and irritable.  Can't form complete thoughts.  I quit spanish class.  No connection with the divine creative magic of art and beauty.   Frustrated.  Just me in I give up clothes embarrassed to be completely honest about my secret clutter places.  

Did you know your phone tracks your screen time?  Apparently I was on my phone for 19 hours in the last 7 days.  I immediately explained this away to music.   That makes sense.  I was listening to music in the background, right? I have been extremely frugal with messaging and have deleted most apps and have detoxed social media- finally.  Must be the music.  Don't worry, your phone lists how those 19 hours of life you will never get back were spent.  My music playing was only about an hour and a half of that.  The majority of the 19 hours were spent on non-specific internet usage.  Don't worry, I was just on the internet for the equivalent of a part-time job.  Doing what -- I have no idea.  

This is crazy.

Today I deleted all the bookmarks I had saved on my internet browser.  Was I really going to go back and visit each of those sites?  For what?  Is that how I want to spend my time? I recycled the pile of articles sitting on the table.  Both just monuments to why don't you make more time to read?  What's wrong with you? I thought you were serious about this?  For some reason my habit is to collect all related items to a thing in order to learn it. Even if I never get to reading the articles. What's funny is how the world felt like it would end when I picked up the papers to recycle them and when I went to hit delete.  How quickly my brain attached importance to something that didn't exist seconds before and that I forgot soon after.  How my brain associated things with knowledge and ability and actualization.

I think that is part of what this practice is about.  Start on the outside -- the objects, the self care, the relationships, slowly move into the more subtle, into the mind.  Observe my own thoughts.  Observe my habits, patterns, reactions, behaviors.  Unlcutter, clarity.  Becoming attuned to what matters and operating from a razor-sharp bullshit meter.

It is about complete, uncomfortable, terrible, awkward, sweet, wonderful honesty.  

Behold -- results from present research as a reminder to myself when I don't know how to proceed that I am implementing posthaste:

The minimalist decision tree

1. Does it feel good?

      2.  No
           3. Is it necessary?

                4. If Yes --> Only in small doses
                4. If No --> Don't do it/buy it/keep it/think it

      2.  Yes
           3. Is it depleting, neutral, or energizing?

                4. Focus on energizing and neutral, minimize depleting
 
Goodnight and good luck.

Day Four - It is easy

The place I want to be, the place that I crave is sweet and kind and clean. It is generous and bountiful and gentle and so low impact it’s barely a whisper. It’s the air on a dewy Sunday morning.  It is uncomplicated, simple. It is a source of energy and inspiration and continuous light.

I won’t dwell on whether I’ve ever been there or the places I’ve been or where I’m coming from. Not today at least. In this moment I wonder what it’s like to instead focus on how that feeling of infinite goodness and purity and light is within us all.  What if we identify with that instead of the early am eye crust? What if we can delight in the wabi sabi of it all and not change a thing?

No adding. No taking away. Just increasing the pause. Maybe this is how time gets bigger. Maybe it just needs space to expand like a smile. The muscles move and rise, releasing dopamine at their peak and then the process begins again. Waves pulling back and then crashing on the shore. Seasons changing. Seeds sprouting, growing, and dying.

I woke up and immediately was disoriented and my mind’s idea of coordinates was a to-do list. Every fun pleasurable beautiful option for the day and for the week rattling off and my being cringed. I don’t need to get rid of things maybe or stop acquiring things maybe. Trace it back to the source. Hold the electronic device and fumble for the electrical chord and trace it back through tangles and furniture and false connections to the source. Find where it’s plugged in. My thoughts. So don’t move for a moment or a few and don’t talk for a moment or a few and just notice the thoughts. The emergency in my head is something my mind is breathing existence into and I can stop at any time.

I settle in and write. And I walk someone else through a basic yoga practice and I forget what time it is. Just inhale your arms up, exhale your arms down. Breathe five times. I want to hold onto this during my yoga practice. I want it to be like this without having to fly across the planet to the main shala in India. I want it to be in me and in others so I don’t have to hold the space. I want it to be at the office and the grocery store and at awkward chance meetings with ex’s and family holidays.

And it’s funny how it is right here. That feeling is right now.  Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Rest in your true nature. This is how we live now, ok. Keep the light switch on.

Day Two - Neti Neti (not this, not this)

It had gotten to the point where I could not make any decisions and the ones that I did make just felt like I was going along with whatever.  A few years ago a friend was talking me through some decision (I think it was about my early morning yoga practice) and he asked "does it bring you joy?"  I couldn't answer.  I was so numb and so buried under so much that I didn't even know what that meant anymore.  Or if I ever did.  I could identify pleasure, pain, the manic highs and the depressed lows.  Not joy.  Not actual happiness or contentment.  The kind where we aren't just grateful for what we have but where there is alignment between head and heart and inside and outside.  That kind.

I felt like if I just did this other thing, if I just had a little more time in the day I could add this other other thing and then everything would be complete and alright.  Everything would calm down.  I was running so fast and so hard and so hurried that things kept happening like falling in the shower and tearing all of my serratus muscles, like splitting a tooth in half, like traveling and coming back more drained than before, like health scares, like doing things that should energize but because my mind was on everything I couldn't pick up any nutrients.  From anything. And there wasn't enough time in the day for my mind to process (insomnia) or my body to process (chronic inflammation) or my spirit to process (seriously, an energy healer found other spirits in there -- that's another story). Constant state of panic and stress and overwhelm.

October of last year I knew it was time for big changes.  I started with food.  A cleanse.  Decisions and personal policies and trying new things and boundaries.  And then in January 2019 something clicked and the process accelerated on its own.  I started to notice homeostasis for seconds here and there and I started to crave it.  It was becoming easier and easier to leave things because they made me feel bad and I was starting to feel good.  Simple but everything.

Today I ran through my credit card and bank statements.  Any last auto-pays that I can delete? Do I need additional iCloud storage?  Do I need wifi at my house?  Do I absolutely need to buy eggs before tomorrow?  What's funny is how hard it is to remove myself from email subscriptions. I might miss a deal!  I might offend the person sending it - even if it is a massive corporation.  Or how hard it was to put an indefinite away message on my personal email alerting senders that I am not tethered to technology.  Or how hard it is to communicate with family and friends that I love them so much but just can't be available all of the time.  How I need to create more and more white space.  How that deafening silence at first freaks me out but then gives me the greatest sense of calm.  How the more I can exist there, the more the answers and the energy and the creativity just arrive.  They arrive so loudly that all I have to do is give them the space to happen.