Are my nadis showing?

Karandavasana in Intermediate Series

I remember once, years ago, we were at conference in Mysore ("conference" is a talk or Q & A with my teacher, Sharath at the main shala in Mysore, India) and I can't recall if someone asked the question or if Sharath had it in mind for that day.  I remember being jarred by something that sounded close to "everyone comes to India twice".

I looked around the room filled with people of all ages and all genders and all nationalities and all shapes and sizes.  I am sure many if not most were on their first trip to India.  And what a feat that is.  You have to take leave from work or quit or be able to work remotely and you have to pay for expenses at home and abroad and what will you do when you get back?  Will work still be available?  And what if you have a family that depends on you?  What then?  Going to India just once is a massive deal.

You go back home after that trip to India and you smooth things over with everyone and everything.  And maybe that is enough.  Some people somehow choose to rip their lives to shreds in order to do it a second time -- imagine!  That's usually enough to not be able or need to do it again.  Go back to regular life.  Enjoy your local shala.  Try another traditional or brand or fitness routine.  And remember those trips to India?  So glad we did that.  What an experience!

It may have been the same conference, maybe not.  I think the number was 7.  (I don't feel like digging up my notes now.)  In order to keep practicing beyond 7 years, the intention had to be spiritual.

When you have a daily Mysore practice (that's what Ashtanga is called when you do it every day) you will eventually get bored with having to master something before learning something else unless you are there for a reason beyond the asana.  You will get bored or frustrated or angry or plateau or whatever.  You'll move on to something else.  That's totally okay.  The world is filled with so many amazing teachers and practices within yoga and beyond.  But for some, there's something deeper there.  Beyond the asana and the physical health and the teacher, even.

Crying in gomukasana

So I just laugh to myself when someone is concerned with my alignment (are my nadis showing???) or whatever it is they think I am doing that will hurt.  Or when someone tells me ashtanga is fast-paced or aggressive or really intense or whatever.  I laugh.  Yoga can be whatever we make it.  The Yoga Sutras have only one instruction for asana -- it should be steady and sweet...Sthiram Sukham Asanam.  You're lucky if you find that day one.  Otherwise, on some days, that's part of the practice.
1. Show up
2. Steady and sweet
3.  Don't identify with thoughts




Exit: "Plastic Soul" Mondo Cozmo

Day Twenty-Nine - Time to digest

Me practicing Galavasana in third series.  I seriously thought this was physically impossible.  My teacher always believes in me more that I believe in myself.  The challenge of it makes the whole world disappear.  No thinking, just being.  

That last post on yoga teaching burn out took me a minute to digest.  A lot of things do.  That is something that I am noticing.  It is like when you eat breakfast and now it is time for lunch but you aren't hungry yet.  You still have not completely digested breakfast but you eat anyway and so it is just stuff on stuff on stuff.

We all need a minute to digest, process, absorb nutrients and eliminate toxins and waste.

I notice this need for time and space -- for pause -- after I host an event or gathering or teaching... the world feels as if it is moving so fast...  Everything spinning.  Like someone has two handfuls of glitter and then tosses them into the air.  They float for quite some time and then slowly begin to settle on the chair, the table, my arms, the floor -- or not at all.  They keep twisting and turning in the air and new handfuls are tossed up too and it continues on and on.

Life moves in cycles and spirals and waves.  I can remember times of great stillness and silence and moving from some sort of sage-like tranquility.  I can remember the exact opposite.  It isn't just one thing that tosses the glitter again and again.  It is always shifting.  Age, hormones, life circumstances, relationships, food, political climate, weather, where we are in asana practice, so many factors that are constantly changing and shifting all around us.

I am arriving on the beach after a riptide and a hurricane and general stormy weather.  I wanted to swim but I can't actually live in the water.  The morning ritual is there -- a steady, reassuring hum like the sun rising and like gravity.  I wake up and I am no longer wrapped in anxiety.  Things are changing.  I wake up and I get ready for my yoga practice and I feel joyful and I am covered in glitter inside and out -- almost.  The magic is coming back.

It is the day that is the trouble and the night.  I forgot my systems and rituals.  Space for new ones arriving.  I guess it is time.  I am rounding another 7 years in this body (kind of) and it makes sense.

The seeds for the rituals for both day and night are the same.  So many threads that can easily be remembered from years of yoga philosophy study ...  Effort toward steadiness of mind.  Yoga is the non-identification with the thought fluctuations of the mind. maitrī karuṇā mudito-pekṣāṇāṁ-sukha-duḥkha puṇya-apuṇya-viṣayāṇāṁ bhāvanātaḥ citta-prasādanam. व्याधिस्त्यानसंशयप्रमादालस्याविरतिभ्रान्तिदर्शनालब्धभूमिकत्वानवस्थितत्वानि चित्तविक्षेपास्तेऽन्तरायाः.  Yet the challenge is what to do when we are in it, triggered and hooked.

1.  Get in the habit of observing
-Food diary
-Journal
-Screen time monitoring
-Budget tracking
-Meditation

2.  Notice subsequent habits that work in any moment to allow the glitter to settle before moving on to the next thing.  From breath to breath, thought to thought, meal to meal, encounter to encounter, and so on.

3.  Notice that it is a way of life.  Like a road.  And at times you accidentally wander.  Notice and realign.  Move on.  Move forward.

For people who don't have a yoga practice (or an Ashtanga practice in particular) it is hard to explain.  It is hard to explain why me getting up at dumb-o'clock, and going to bed early like a child and eating a specific way... why it is so important. It isn't about something outside.  It is inside.  It isn't like brushing your teeth.  It is more like flossing.  All the things I don't know how to process any other way except through the asana, the moving and the constant redirecting of focus... That intensity of sitting with the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the comfortable and the terrifying.  I need that.  Yes, I have to get through the whole marathon even when I don't want to.    And yes, sometimes my digestion is great.  Basic input output system.   One in one out.  And then the practice shifts and it turns into magic and becomes something else where there's energy to give.  So much energy to give.  As tantalizing as that possibility sounds, we need both.  The struggle connects us.

I remember hearing a talk by Pema Chodron years ago.  It was something about how we all think enlightenment is this pyramid going up but we have it wrong.  It is a pyramid going straight down into the earth with slippery walls and we all slide down down down into the mud and into the shit and how important that is.  Suffering like that. We look around and we see that we are all there together.  We are all suffering.  That's where the compassion is.

We've got to simplify yoga.  Not because we are but because it should be just enough to let all that we are shine through.  And we have got to simplify our lives because we are so much more than stuff on stuff on stuff.



Exit: "Tinfoil" Rainer Maria

Day Twenty-Eight - Yoga teaching burn out

Me, up at 3:45am, practice before teaching, before a full day of work at the office.

Maybe they do tell us...but I never listened.  If you are teaching yoga, you have got to have a serious self care practice or you will get burned out.  I thought if I ate well, practiced with my teacher, slept decently, kept to teaching, read yoga philosophy, did my yoga practice that that was all I needed to thrive.  Maybe it is enough for you but it has taken me over a decade to realize that it is not enough for me to stay healthy, energized and happy.

Krishnamacharya would say that yes, you need the asana and the philosophy and the food and a good teacher but you also need counseling at times and every other holistic modality you can think of to support the unfolding of your process. I am finally ready to admit that it is true — we have to be open to our current state and to change, whatever that may be.

Teaching yoga was all I really ever knew.  Yes, I did other side jobs here and there but teaching yoga has been my main profession for the majority of my adult life.  When it is all you know and people aren’t telling you or you just aren’t listening or you just don’t think you have the money or time you forget about yourself.  And maybe you really don’t have the time and money to take care of yourself and see no end in sight...maybe teaching yoga isn’t the thing.  And that is ok.

Let’s be clear.  Burn out does not mean that I am just bored with yoga or teaching.  Absolutely not.  Burn out is when I am working so hard and pushing myself to the absolute limits without break or rest or care for so long that all systems begin to break down.  It is physical and/or emotional exhaustion.

In my 15ish years as a yoga teacher, here is what I have learned...

You know you are burned out when:

-You haven’t made the time to take care of your basic health (you haven’t had a checkup, seen the gyno, gone to the dentist, etc. in more than a year)

-You aren’t saving for retirement

-You don’t have an emergency fund

-You are always sore or tired or angry

-You have no life outside of work

-You aren’t doing your own yoga practice

-When people want to talk about yoga you need to leave the room

-You don’t have patience like you used to

-You aren’t enjoying teaching or practice

-You feel uninspired

-You are having trouble sleeping

-You are getting sick a lot



How to get out of burnout/avoid:

-Make good sleep a priority.

-Keep a food diary and consider seeing a nutritionist.

-Do your own practice first.

-Find local teachers you can drop into once in a while.  I get it, maybe there aren’t any teachers in your tradition locally.  Still, just getting in a class and letting someone else drive once in a while feels so rejuvenating.

-Find other body movement modalities to participate in once in a while.  Just moving in a new way can have enormous positive effects on the body and mind.

-Generate income outside of teaching yoga.  It takes the pressure off.

-Budget track.  This is basic self care.  We need to start talking about money.  Knowing exactly where your money comes from and where it goes is key to understanding what kind of income you need to generate and zeroing in on how you can be more efficient with your time.

-Save for retirement.  Yes, you should be doing this.

-Start emergency fund.  Emergencies will happen.  I fell in the shower a few years ago and sustained a serious injury.  I did not have an emergency fund and could not take time off from teaching.  Don’t do what I did.

-Take a break and a real vacation.  Teaching a yoga retreat or travel teaching is work.  That is not a vacation.  Everyone needs time to rest, restore, and decompress at the very least.  Rejuvenate is even better.

-Make and keep doctor appointments.

-Develop other skills.  This will give you a sense of confidence, self, and identity outside of yoga.  Diversifying is most always a good idea.

-Get body work done.  This might feel indulgent but as a yoga teacher and practitioner, you basically need to treat yourself like a professional athlete.  Because you are.  This might mean massages or physical therapy or energy healing.  Just find out what works for you and be sure to shake it up once in a while.

-Explore activities that help you relax.

-Explore activities that bring you joy.

-Explore activities that bring you energy.

-Learn how to say “no”.

-Check in with your emotions and how your body feels regularly.

-Read a book.  Give yourself permission to have true downtime.

-Make sure you are getting paid fairly and if not, negotiate a higher rate or walk away.  Time is something that you will never get back.

Me, blissed out on an actual vacation in Tulum with my favorite -  Paletas! 

Exit: “Light” San Holo

Day Twenty-Six - No more bullying in yoga is allowed

As the spiritual decluttering continues and I am less numb and more willing to "sit with what is", old memories come up.  Samskaras.  I kind of wish that I could just do my practice and bliss out and connect with the infinite yay.  But I am also kind of glad that I am actually moving through these things finally instead of moving around them.

So there I am practicing and I am remembering how ever since I was a child people (adults) would remark "oh, you look so ethnic".  This was not a compliment.  How kids on the playground would make fun of my nose so much that my secret forever wish was to someday get plastic surgery.  All the times my body was different than everyone else's and I was called "fat".  The first instance was when I was little -- maybe 4?  Oh, and what it is like to be "developed" when you are a kid and everyone lets you know.  Now you are a sexual being, a woman, a temptation, a liability, a distraction.

I wish I could say that all that came to an end when I reached adulthood.  That society changed and we all evolved as humans.  Not exactly.

Yesterday I am in the middle of my practice and the thought of "fear" just keeps coming into my mind and as I explore it I remember so many times as an adult that I was bullied, shutdown, made fun of, discouraged, etc.  So much so that the first thing I see when I see images of myself in asana practice is a "roll" or "fat".  It takes my eyes a minute and sometimes a day to focus so that what I see is everything else.  Everything else that I see in anyone else rather than being hyper aware of anything that might be pointed out and made fun of. Strength, grace, beauty, hard work, ease, humanness, dedication...

We used to hate fashion magazines for depicting unrealistic images of beauty.  Now we have social media doing exactly the same.  News flash: most everyone gets a roll when they squish their body in one way or another.  Also, there's nothing wrong with having rolls. News flash: I know plenty of people who do "cleanses" or "eat light" before yoga asana photo shoots.  Maybe it is to "feel light" in their practice.  Maybe.

In the yoga community, I have been told that I am too heavy, that "life has caught up with me", I am too young, too old, the wrong shape, too stiff, too flexible, that my teacher disapproves of me and will kick me out of the shala, to stop writing, take down my blog, stop teaching, that I can't make it in India, my teacher made a mistake, that things just "come natural" to me, that I should stop teaching.  In this process of spiritual decluttering, I pick up each thing, realize it does not bring value and joy, tell it thank you and kindly discard.  What is interesting to me is that none of this bullying or negativity came from my teacher.  That I do have a select group of people in my life who are very supportive and when things get cluttered all I hear and remember is the hate.

Social media is a great tool to stay connected.  To encourage and build each other up.  To spread helpful information.  We need this.  Life can be lonely.  We need to support each other.  We need to raise the lowest common denominator and operate from a place of abundance rather than scarcity.  We need to be honest and truthful and consistent and respectful and move from a place of integrity.  We need to honor vulnerability, courageousness, bravery, generosity and kindness.  If we aren't doing these things, what are we doing?  What is the point?  We need to care for each other and for ourselves.  Nourish our bodies and our relationships and the planet.  Set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.  Admit mistakes and make things better.  Follow the niyamas and yamas.  That's pretty basic.

Oh, and it is no longer cool to comment on someone else's body or creativity with the intent to cut them down.  Even accidentally.

I want to be recognized for the quality of my character and hard work and dedication and grit and for being consistent and fair and kind and taking good care of myself.  Not for looking a certain way or just being nice or popular or just going along with everything even if it isn't right.

And urdva kukkutasana b is really hard.  REALLY hard until it isn't.  And I tell you what... I eat dinner and have a "normal" job and grind day in and day out alone and for me what it took and what it takes each day is an extreme and crazy belief that I can do it.  That I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy.  I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it.  I shut out "you're too heavy you're not strong you ate dinner this is too hard for you you'll never do it".  And I go back to "I am strong and capable and light and I am just moving energy".  That I am enough. I repeat this again and again so much that I believe it.  For me, that's how much of this yoga asana challenge/plateau/impossibility has come and gone.  Nose, mulabandha, positive thinking, let energy move.  Simplify.  That's where the grace is.

Exit: "Bad Reputation" Joan Jett

Day Twenty-Five - Obstacles

When you go to Mysore, India to study at the shala you have your morning asana practice, chanting some afternoons, and the rest of your day free to fill as you see fit.  On my last trip I took yoga philosophy classes (my usual MO) a few days per week.  A group of yoga students climb the stairs in the women's dressing room, grab a carpet square, and sit cross-legged on the floor in an amorphous semicircle facing our teacher.  It is usually fairly hot and humid with mosquitoes flying around and my legs fall asleep and my hips ache and I'm fairly certain all of these things only really happen to me but I don't mind one bit.  I love sitting there with atrophied feet listening to my teacher walk through yoga philosophy from an Indian perspective punctuated by the birds outside, honking and laughing in the street, and the perplexed faces of students trying to make out his accent or English in general (because some of the students don't speak English at all) and whether or not the explanations he makes and stories he tells are real.

But this one is an easy one.  Our teacher is talking to us about a monastery in the north of India and how things are done there.  How we kind of don't understand what it is like to be a student and how maybe this illustration will give us a little bit of insight.  Maybe.  At this monastery students go and they wash the floors and clean the toilets and do all sorts of manual labor.  They do this for the "first few years" he says.  Once they complete this stage, that's when the yoga teaching begins.  "How many years is a few years?" Someone asks.  "Ten or eleven."

Last year I had to get a new Visa to travel to India.  Incredibly, my ten year Visa had expired.  I thought I had too.  Washed up maybe. Too something.  But when I heard that simple story in the women's locker room in philosophy class, I realized that the yoga was just beginning.

Me, in the thick of practice (dwi pada shirshasana which is a posture in the intermediate series), photo taken in my last apartment in New York somewhere between 2008 and 2011.

व्याधिस्त्यानसंशयप्रमादालस्याविरतिभ्रान्तिदर्शनालब्धभूमिकत्वानवस्थितत्वानि चित्तविक्षेपास्तेऽन्तरायाः॥३०॥

vyadhi styana samshaya pramada alasya avirati bhranti-darshana alabdha-bhumikatva anavasthitatva chitta vikshepa te antarayah

“Disease, dullness, doubt, carelessness, laziness, sensuality, false perception, failure to reach firm ground and slipping from the ground gained- these distractions of the mind-stuff are the obstacles.”

Yoga Sutras of Patanjali 1.30 translation by Swami Satchidananda

Exit:  "Million Dollar Bill" Middle Brother

Day Twenty-Four - Rest day, you take rest

In the Ashtanga yoga tradition, we “take rest” one day per week from asana practice - usually a Saturday or Sunday.  I have always kept the routine of one day off per week (plus new/full moon days and first three days of menstruation). I figure if we are going to take the prescription we should follow the prescription.  In my process this year of coming back to my center, decluttering, minimizing, self-reflection - I am realizing that deep down I truly do not ever rest except for the weekly break from asana.

I am not a rule follower.  I do not do well with authority at all.  The thing is when I believe in something, I commit, and I go hard.  So when my yoga teacher says to take a day off each week from practice - that's exactly what I will do.  The end.

New Mexico is filled with an incredible variety of gorgeous natural retreats.  We found one deep in the mountains, past any road that the average vehicle would travel, so remote that phones were thrown deep into bags because service was so completely out of the question.  Roads unmarked and so questionable that we needed a local to guide us down the same road that we had previously attempted, but deeper.  Much deeper into the tall trees and wild grasses and fresh high altitude air.  Bear country.  Mountain lion country. Rattlesnake country.  As we continued deeper in, the only man made items were those that we curated.  Just the essentials. We instantly fell into the pace and simplicity and didn’t miss TV or books or restaurants or the convenience of anything.  I woke through the night terrified of the sounds of squirrels that I truly believed to be mountain lions.  We woke at peace and relaxed and completely grounded and present.

Hours later I realized that I felt happy.  And that’s when the guilt set in.  

I observed the thought.  It is a feeling that I am going to "get caught" or "get in trouble".  I asked "why?"  The answer that came was that I don’t believe that I am allowed to or deserve to rest or take a break or relax.  Again, I asked "why?"  Silence. Clutter.  System shut down.

Ok, brain.  Let's begin here.  You believe in your yoga practice, right?
Yes.
Do you think that maybe you could extend that to your life?
Yes, that's the point.
Ok, great.  So, take a day to truly rest.  Or just give yourself a break.
Yes, that's make sense.
Ok, great.  That's how we live now.  Also, you're simplifying everything, right?  And it feels good?
Yes.
Ok, great.  This one day off a week pattern seems to work and is established in one area of your life.  Why not piggyback on that with other areas so that you have a designated break?
Yes, that makes sense.
Ok, great.  One more thing.  Who establishes the benchmark for your success and expectations?
I do.
Ok, great.  Are you meeting all your personal benchmarks and expectations?
No.
Well, what's missing?
More blank space.  More travel.  More teaching.  More art and creativity and flow time and shala time.
Ok, great.  Maybe that's the guilt.  You felt happy and at peace and were feeling guilty that you aren't  doing that for yourself more.  That you aren't moving from your own inner space.  Could it be that?
I feel guilty again.
Ok, let's just work on more rest time.
Yes.  Ok.

Day Twenty-Three - Missing Mysore

Day 23 of 30 days of challenging myself to write again.  I started blogging back in 2007 the day before I left on my first trip to India.  I didn’t even know what a blog was but it was easier than emailing everyone so I gave it a try and ended up writing almost every day for years.  And then suddenly it drifted away.  I lost the excitement, the motivation, my confidence, my voice.  I didn’t feel like I had anything to say at all.  It was many things.  Exhaustion and stress and overwork and trauma and bullying and self consciousness and everything.  All the things that can happen when you are more and more isolated and deeper in you go.

This year I could feel strongly that I wanted to do something new, to teach, to get back into different projects, art, creativity... but I was just exhausted all the time and between maintaining my corporate job and friends and family I just had nothing left at the end of each day.  I started seeing a therapist and a doctor to look at my nutrition.  We modified my diet and now I keep a food diary and there was the EMDR.  After starting the new year in Mexico I knew big shifts had to happen in order for me to feel centered again and to get my energy back.  I Kon Mari’d as prescribed in one go over a long weekend.  I was surprised at how well this actually did work.  I pulled back from social media until it just was completely gone.  And it is funny... All the things I was trying so hard to do...they just started happening naturally.

I started reading - easily - again.  Journaling.  Painting.  New ideas coming and inspiration.  But I had to shut out everything in order to find that.  I had to drop out of everything that wasn’t absolutely required.  I had to turn off my phone and delete apps and say “no” to invitations.  I had to stop looking and listening outward and instead go inward.  I didn’t realize how much I allowed my world to move in that direction.  I now very seriously had to set up my environment so that my mind and body could go inward easily.  A safe place to get the muscles back.

In that quiet space the memory of enjoying writing and blogging came back to me.  I was curious.  Is it something that I would enjoy now?  Something that would bring value?  Only one way to find out.  30 day personal blogging challenge.

And in the quiet the other candle that continues to burn in the background is the practice.  Yoga.  Mysore.  The magic.  The feeling of complete centering.  The peak experience.  I want to find it more and everywhere.  It is there in some moments alone and with others in my living room and it was there in moments at The Little Shala (my program here in New Mexico).  It was there when I dropped in in Phoenix and of course, in Mysore at the main shala.  It is the silence.  The sound of breathing and bodies moving through space.  The feeling of heat coming off humans and the sound of hard work.  No conversation, no bullshit.  Just a space filled with people sincerely committed to transformation.  It feels essential and primal and so connected to just being alive.

Right now I am taking a little break before my next teaching season. The Mysore room. I miss it.

My last trip to India was last year.  It was my shortest trip so far... four weeks.  Each day in the shala on my mat I would smile to myself.  There was absolutely nothing that could disturb that absolute gratitude and joy.  I would soak in the feeling of the air and the sounds outside of traffic and birds and students kicking of their sandals and women sweeping their front porches and the sounds inside of students moving and Sharath making little jokes and “one more!”  I would silently thank each person who made it possible for me to be there in one way or another.  And now when I get quiet, I can conjure up the feeling and I am there.

It feels like this.

Day 28, India 2018:  I get the spot in the front corner. The one under the overhang where if I really stretch, my fingers graze the ceiling. Where all the air feels hottest and wettest and smelliest. The floor isn’t slick, it’s wet. The wall is wet. The wall on my right somehow feels more cramped than a wall on the left or people an inch away on any side. (This is not my favorite spot.) I’m boiling. Sweating at first only and then on fire. Soaked in sweat. And then anger. Nonstop anger. The violent kind. I’m so angry. Moving through my practice in a crazy fit of rage. I listen to the conversation in my head on how maybe I’m the villain, not the hero. And whatever. I don’t care.

And I do all the asanas, all the movements even as I feel like an angry brick of cement that burns down everything.

And then I get to third series, Advanced A. Maybe this is a fresh start? No. Anger. And then I get to my latest pose, urdva kukkutasana b. And I do it. With confidence. I own it now. I jump back. I jump through. I look back at whoever and am like “that’s how it’s done #@&$$?!!$”.” And then back bending and then tick tocks and then waiting for vrkshikasana and it’s so intense and now I’m crying. 
Sharath comes after awhile. I’m in handstand and he puts my feet on my head. ‘What you did?’ I tell him ‘I did B but it made me cry’. He says ‘good. You have to let the emotions out’. And I am fully crying as we stand there. (We’ve been here many times over the years.) He does my backbends. He says ‘tomorrow you do galavasana.’ I say ‘galavasana?’ ‘Yes, without crying. You’re too happy to cry.’

Post-practice, Mysore 2018.  That same day.  Sensory deprivation tank.
Exit:  “Sober to Death” Car Seat Headrest 

Day Twenty-One - Year of hibernation

A colleague was telling me that she had updated someone on my status.

"Well, what did you say?"

"That you worked a lot and are learning to say 'no' and that you are taking supplements with animal products in them and it is a big deal.  So, not much."

I kind of love this.




My year in pictures...

New Year's on the beach.  Talking to the ocean.  Being in nature.

Reflecting back during my Kon Mari weekend. Watercolors from 2013.

Reflecting way back during Kon Mari weekend to backpacking Europe at 17.  I couldn't stand high school.  Tried to drop out and got on an accelerated program instead.  Graduated years early (really I couldn't get out fast enough), shaved my head, grabbed my jansport and got on a plane.  This is a postcard from a friend I made on one of my last days.

Scene from The Little Shala.  Mysore in Albuquerque is way different than in New York.  It is harder.  The culture is more baked in and harder to work around.  Not impossible, just harder.  Each person who shows up is a hero.  The shared energy of everyone else really gave me the extra boost I needed for my own practice this winter.  

Made friends and friends moved away.  It is just like Mysore, India around here lately.  Magic included.

Found timeless connection where and when it was least expected.

And got lost in time in the desert.  

Quiet moments in Belize.  Nature.  Ocean.

Started painting again.

Slept in a real magic school bus.

Olive forever.

Exit:  "17" Youth Lagoon

Day Twenty - Never give up

We all seem to be on the same vibe.  The more I talk to people about what I am doing, the more and more I hear the same response -- everyone is reducing their phone use and social media use or at least questioning it.  We are all craving more time outside.  We are going analog.  We still want our phones and tech.  Our phones are calculators and flashlights and cameras and day planners and notebooks and mini computers and how we can easily stay in touch with friends around the world and much more.  As tools, they add incredible value.  We are keeping our phones.

But we are leaving the fear of missing out and the anxiety and the interruptions and the stress and the pressure and constant unbearable suffocating noise.  We are staying present at dinner and finishing the conversation with the person in front of us and reading whole books and we are happy with what we have.  We are content just as we are in our own thoughts.  A moment of pause is welcome.  It is an opportunity to reflect and absorb and process and daydream and imagine.  Wide open blank space.

Memory is increasing.  Creativity increasing.  Energy and possibility increasing.

And yes, yet again, this week I'm thinking to myself how impossible ankle grabbing is and how that's it for me.  I'm over.  I'm 6 pounds heavier with inflammation and grumpy and uncomfortable and nope it is just not possible.  But mula bandha is the same.  And I can look at my nose so that is the same.  And I can steady my breathing.  And I direct the thinking to one steady place.  And there I am, on my "worst" day and I have this feeling of just "whoosh" breaking past all of that and the energy is just moving and some things are always within our reach.  Consistency.  Faith.  Never give up.

Exit:  "Same Mistakes"  The Echo Friendly

Day Nineteen - Moon day vibes

On the first day of each month I burn copal that I picked up in Mexico.  They say burning copal cleans crystals and energy and is a powerful conduit to the spirit world.  It is different than incense.  It seems stronger somehow.  The scent is different, the smoke is different, even when you try to light it you realize it is more like lighting a fire.  The dried resin smokes and fills the room and your house and it is a new month with all the energy of a new year.  So far, that is how 2019 has felt for me.  Each month an entire year in itself.  Pretty soon a decade will have come to pass and one moment I feel so different and the next exactly the same.

But wait -- I still wake throughout the night and with nightmares... I'd say I am a terrible sleeper.  

But wait -- isn't that a massive improvement from not being able to sleep at all?  

But wait -- I've got some major inflammation happening right now so I'd say nothing is working.  

But wait -- isn't it much less than it was?  And isn't it only now actually correlating with normal cycles instead of just a continuous haze of confusion and uncomfortableness?  And what about the tiredness and anxiety and stress?  That's still there.  

But wait -- didn't you used to drink extremely strong coffees with 4 shots each throughout the day?  And have to workout on top of that?  And need to listen to crazy intense music to be able to concentrate?  And struggle with procrastination and finishing projects?  And every other legal self-medication strategy that made sense?  

Aren't you doing a lot more now on and with much less?  Now that you have decluttered?  

Ok, I guess that's true.

So right now here is life, decluttered.

1. Seeing doctor about nutrition

Taking supplements as prescribed, clean diet, food diary

2. Mysore practice

3. Journal

Schedule lives here as well as notes, idea, plans, etc.

4. Kon Mari'd house

5.  Social media detox

6.  Tech detox

7.  Tracking budget

8.  Office 

Decluttering the unnecessary and one thing at a time

9.  One thing at a time

Also, one project at a time

10.  Listen to body/mind

11.  Reading

12. Write for 30 days

And I guess it is true that I have noticed other things besides unresolved feelings...  My memory is getting better.  My attention span longer.  I am maintaining eye contact.  My creativity is coming back.  My voice...  I never realized how much they had all diminished.

FOMO is gone.

Noticing how much my identity is tied up in my yoga practice.  Somehow noticing even more how essential it is.

Exit: "Different Now" Chastity Belt

Day Eighteen - Burnout

This morning I spilled searing hot coffee on bare legs and considered downloading Instagram.  I imagined curating my feed to reflect a clean and inspiring deluge of color and ideas and how I’d post on occasion when it really felt good. And then I exited the idea factory in my brain and settled into my stomach and felt dread and fear and doom and anxiety. It should bring joy or don’t do it.

Too soon. Social media detox continues.

I wrote the above sentiment before my yoga practice.  I was hot and inflamed and groggy and feeling terrible. None of my yoga clothes available. Coffee made for me but not according to my direction.  All things bad all things bad all things bad.  And somehow somewhere something happens and one foot goes in front of the other and I’m greeted with patience and kindness and I just stand on my mat and ok inhale hands up exhale fold. And I’m sweating and I’m moving and everything is ok.

This is just it.  The yoga works.  But you have to let it.  You have to get out of your own way.  You have to keep showing up.  And once you do sometimes the decluttering has already happened.  You have already done the work.  And you just climb into a river of energy and plug in and flow.  Other times you have to do the decluttering and you just sit in your space and cry or you hold each object but there’s too much for just one session.  And sometimes you’re really lucky.  You’re in the worst place and you feel awful and everything seems heavy and congested and impossible and somehow you’re persuaded to practice and you do and you come out the other side.

I think this is one thing that I enjoyed about Instagram.  I had started posting some practice photos and videos and people would tell me that it inspired them during tough times. That’s pretty powerful stuff and to me part of what this whole internet thing can do for us — help us truly connect.  It would be nice to find a way to have that kind of impact without feeling absolutely energetically sucked dry.  Just to put that out in the universe. I am sure it has something to do with balance and an internal homeostasis which has a lot to do with residing in an internal world of unshakeable integrity and clarity.  It starts with this:

My time is valuable
I am valuable
My education, knowledge, and experience are valuable
Please be aware that when it comes to yoga and me that you have entered a no bullshit area
I am allowed to say “no”
I am allowed to be available when I decide
I am allowed to change directions
I am allowed to make my own health and needs my number one priority

Also, you are entitled to all of the above as well.  I respect you, your time, and your process.

I went to an energy healer when the stagnation, the tamas, got really bad.  She said she used to work in a crystal store and the energy was just so intense she had to constantly clear herself out.  She walked me through her meditation that she would use.  Part of it involves creating a dome around you.  Everyone that looks in is greeted with something comforting and warm like glowing lavender love.  And when you look out you see something nourishing as well.  The ocean kept coming up for me.  Every time I ever sat staring out at the horizon.  The waves, the color, the push and pull that has always been and always will.  I think this was Cancun.  Maybe 2017.

Exit: “Fuck things up” Dope Lemon

Day Seventeen - Some things last a long time

I am sitting here late on a Saturday noticing how strange I feel. I am thinking about a podcast I heard recently where someone was describing how their family reacted to their beginning stages of minimalism behavior.  “I realize I am getting rid of things and pulling away from some people but it is because I am removing things that don’t bring value as well as distancing myself from toxic relationships.  I am being intentional...not suicidal.”  

It is true - the distance between me and everything else that had become my daily life is widening.  It is happening on its own.  I gave myself permission to feel and to be honest and now I don’t have a taste for pretending.

In Mysore it is normal for someone to hide away in their house until the next practice.  Or just not talk to anyone at breakfast.  Or to have hours long conversations with strangers who become friends as the turning over of ideas continue from one day to the next.  Mysore is a little city in India where students gather from all over the world to learn yoga straight from the source.  I had no idea when I arrived on my first trip twelve years ago that it is also a place where people gather for deep transformation. They still do.

You can quietly show up for practice, talk to no one, cry on your mat, talk to no one, stay in your house all day.  Or show up to breakfast and talk to a stranger about childhood patterns you are trying to make sense of or lie side by side on your friend’s cold floor for hours trying to figure out what you are going to do with your life.  You get cracked open and you process and you look around and someone else is crying on their mat too.  And you have a pretty good idea what’s going on — some similar shade of realization, understanding, or transformation.

That’s what is happening.  My insides are recreating Mysore.  Yoga plus one.  Simplicity.  Getting quiet and empty and questioning everything.  In this space the toxins and pent up emotions and things we just don’t want to face and the things we hide away — they just arise.  And I’m crying on my yoga mat and going to the office like its normal.  As I write this and think of Mysore I remember that this is a good thing.  You have to let it out.  You have to feel and consider and sometimes you have to let go, leave, change, and say goodbye.  

You can’t be afraid of leaving something you might need just in case. You can’t be afraid.  You have to forgive yourself for the fast fashion and temporary fixes from home decor to relationships.  You have to thank everything and everyone and every thought as you let them go.  They were all there for you in one way or another.  You’re here now.  In the widening deep silence your job is to get in touch with who you actually are beyond all the shit you have collected throughout a lifetime.  And focus on that.  Big changes.  Sweaters that last forever.  Friends for life.  

Exit:  “Some things last a long time” Daniel Johnston

Day Fourteen - Declutter yoga practice

Ashtanga is simple and specific.  You'd think it would get easier.  Nope.  That would be like having a guitar and expecting it to make its own music.  And actually the more complicated we make it, the harder the practice becomes (and not in a productive way).

When we are in the thick of transformation we can tell it is us that is freaking out and not the practice because the practice is the same.  Peel away the distractions, noise, extra dialogue and instructions and caring at all how it looks. Keep polishing it down to bandha, breathing, vinyasa, asana, drishti and we can tell that we are different.  We are changing.  The practice is simply holding the space.  That's the thing with doing similar forms every day.  Our senses become heightened.

So I remind myself to let it be easy.  To just show up.  Yoga is uncomplicated at the core.

Strip away all the extra well-meaning bullshit.

I'll try to remember to prep tonight for tomorrow:

Clothes and coffee

And I'll try to remember this:

Pick space on floor

Designate space with yoga mat if it makes it easier

Eliminate everything that uses electricity or at least reduce

Connect with breath

Look at nose and maintain 

Think of nothing else but "look at nose"

Stay a little or a lot (insert asana here)

Rest

Get on with day

Each day:  Yoga + 1 = plenty

Day Twelve - Spiritual decluttering

Confession:

This morning I was dreading getting on my mat.
Absolutely dreading.

It seemed so daunting so hard so long.  A marathon.  Some days are like this.  This is why I try not to ask myself how I feel in the morning.  And I avoid giving others the opportunity to do so as well.  Because the answer is usually about the same (unless the coffee has kicked in) - definitely somewhere on the grim spectrum. So I stop thinking and I just do (this is the automatic like brushing teeth part).  And with each breath I forget that I have an option to walk away.  I am just in it.  And sometimes that feeling of dread passes as my entire being realizes there is nothing to dread at all.  Other times I can tell that I just didn't look hard enough because it is there buried deep down when I go looking.  And maybe it always will be.

Yesterday I did an old school 1993 led intermediate class.  With the sun shining and the birds singing and the steady "ekam... dve" for a lingering moment it felt like a Sunday led intermediate in India.  My attention was completely held in keeping pace with the count and keeping my breathing steady (what you mean the method actually works?) and the result was a complete lack of drama and such a nice little contrast to today.

Imagine someone hands you a cute little kitten.  And then another.  And another.  And so many kittens that the kittens are falling from your arms and scratching at your torso and jumping to the ground and you're scrambling to keep them all together for I don't know maybe an hour and forty five minutes.  Or maybe pretend that you're running in water and everyone is laughing at you.

I think I sounded like I was in pain.  Breathing loud and forced and obvious to any innocent bystander that I was not relaxed.  Intermediate plus third marathon.  So mental.  Hits me in some place from every possible angle and like some sort of surreal nightmare every thought and emotion and memory seems to be held in front of me and playing out like some sort of spiritual kon mari session from hell. And I am trying not to cry and I am trying to think of looking at nose squeezing anus steady breathing 5 breaths and then boom confusing childhood memory full of anxiety and stress and boom that thing someone said last week and boom how will this other thing play out tomorrow and boom boom boom they keep coming and I'm sniffling and its just yoga chill out.

This is what it is supposed to do.  Get to edge, work on self, enjoy benefit.  Rinse.  Repeat.  But wow.

Maybe because I am so raw after a practice like that (which is often where I am at at the moment) and I have just dropped into a flow state I feel like I can write.  Something breaks open and things just want to be expressed.  Creativity.  Love.  Sharing.  Calmness.  Drifting on the river.

Again, I sat down this afternoon to write and it was rough.  And I thought about the concept of flow state and wondered "when do I feel this outside of yoga"?  A long solo walk or hike.  Music for hours.  Reading for hours.  Cleaning.  So I did chores.  (For whatever reason calling cleaning/personal care activities "chores" makes them easier to do.  Finish your chores before watching TV, going out, seeing your friends, etc.) So I do the chores and wouldn't you know it: flow state and writing and trying to think what I can do now to have an easier go of it tomorrow.

Good food
Nourishing things/activities
Set clothes out
Set out coffee
Go to bed at decent hour
No screens an hour before bed
Imagine what it is like in the morning for the sweet baby me and do anything else that would be loving

Because the karmas will come no matter what we do.  And we want them to come.  We want to work through them.  We want to run toward the pain. The thoughts will come.  The vrittis will come.  The shenpa will come.  We want to be ready.

Day Nine - Ashtanga yoga is minimalist

Yoga is hard for me to write about.  Immediately I start to wander into the weeds.  Imposter syndrome.  Include everyone and over explain everything. Don't want to offend anyone or say the wrong thing. But the truth is that yoga is uncomplicated.

Yoga is the non-identification with the thought fluctuations of the mind.  Basically just realizing that our thoughts aren't us and operating from that place.  So it is not circus bending or sweating but what we do in our day-to-day lives.  It is a quality we bring to everything.

For some of us, we like to workshop that through putting our bodies in crazy places and then training ourselves to concentrate and relax.  It gets the organs and body healthy as well.  Because we have bodies and life is easier without bubble guts. And there is this sweet spot where the energy is just flowing and it feels like "ah this is what the body is for."  Or whatever.  Just magic.  That's the on the mat asana part.  And even that's minimalist.

Directions on how to yoga
1. Make body shape
2.  Squeeze anus
3.  Look at nose
4.  Do nothing else but 2 and 3 for 5 inhales and 5 exhales
5. Move out of body shape using breath
6. Move into next body shape using breath
7.  Maintain anus squeeze
8. Maintain nose looking
9.  Repeat
10.  Extra credit -- practice with happy

All this goes away
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
tiredness or agitation
stiffness

Do for 30 days.  First week will be hard.  By fourth week no turning back.  I know this because I have had plenty of time to experiment.  Seems so simple.  It is.  But I've lost it.  I've become cluttered and distracted. But I am back on week one of basic (all-you-need-extremely-powerful instruction) and the magic is coming back.

This is a reminder to myself. Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
The end.

Day Seven - Signs and symptoms of needing an overhaul/intervention/fresh start/whatever

I was trained to be responsible.  Even if inside I didn't want more responsibility I did want to know that I was doing the right thing.  More responsibility must then be good, right?  Do more.  Be more.

If you ever dared to ask if I was burned out or if I needed help or if I perhaps took on too much or if I maybe needed a vacation or a rest --  I apologize.  Because you deeply insulted me without knowing it.  I know how I most likely reacted and how I probably still will.  At least for a while.  Because that training is really deeply rooted in there.  Can't show weakness or need help.  Can't say no.  It would be too embarrassing and humiliating and a sign of failure.  And asking me to take on responsibility, telling me "good job" or "she has it handled" or we "never worry about her" was the greatest compliment and heaviest burden.

My happiest moments were at 17 backpacking with only the clothes on my body and a jansport school bag.  At 20 walking 15 miles a day across Spain with only the absolute essentials of survival.  India.  Even when it was horrible and hard and miles and miles beyond my comfort zone.

I realize that's an extreme and I don't want to live in an extreme way.  Not at all.  And I don't want to escape.  I want 100% engagement and nutrition and balance in the world not on the fringes of the world as a hermit.  I didn't realize the responsibility habit/behavior/thought pattern/burden until recently.  Until I stopped everything and started to do less and started to listen to my inside world and prioritizing observing.  The outside signs have been there all along.

outside signs of too much/too many/too often:
being in the red in any part of life
stress
anxiety
overwhelm
dust on anything
rushing
pressure
tiredness
exhaustion
dissatisfaction
needing more
not sleeping
bad digestion
bloating
decision fatigue
fomo

And now I am beginning to see secret clutter places.  Each is a constant teeny torture tug on my mind.

secret clutter places:
people
social media handles/websites/profiles
"friends" or "connections" on social media
phone contacts
apps on phone
office supplies
electrical chords
information captured by websites
search histories
books
articles
bookmarks on browser
to-do list
ideas
should's
guilt
anger
hurt
newsletter subscriptions to email
unanswered email
photos
text messages
calls
obligations
owing someone emotional debt/baggage
sense of responsibility for others or things
all the things I can't maintain or don't maintain but am supposed to have
glass recycling
dying plants
doctor visits/process overwhelm
gifts or inherited items that don't bring me joy
free things with a story
junk mail
unseen drawer storage
cds and external hard drives
music I don't care for
things I might need "just in case"
asana

Yes, asana.  Really, if I am losing the integrity of the practice, I need to to less.  In life or on the mat I need to do less.

signs in practice
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day

I think this is the part where I decide what I want to include. They say yoga +1 each day.  They say write down the 10 most important things, cross out the bottom 5.  Nothing exists until the top 5 are done.  Each exhale we die, each inhale we are born.  A little bit all the time.  Slowly slowly, you take.  Each day a fresh start.

Day Six - Minimalism & Money

It is about being intentional.
Laser focused.
Highly saturated.
Streamlined and efficient.
No excess.

It happened quickly.
The space around me was finally in homeostasis.
Suddenly, the spirit of minimalism went inside.
And it is not about less or deprivation.
It is about living a highly curated life.
Feeling 100% on everything.
And I wasn't.  I was partially asleep on everything.
Just the process of observing increased the feeling of being in tune with each moment, action, thought.  That feeling is addicting and gives energy and leads to good things so we are keeping that.

So anyway, here's what I did.  And it is working.
I figure it is always the same -- it should be simple.

Observation Phase
Basically knew I needed to keep a money diary
First tried a note on my phone - didn't maintain it
Tried a few different apps, found one that I liked
Tracked exact spending and just watched my behavior and patterns without changing anything
Got exact retirement savings numbers, exact HSA, exact investments, etc.
Just observed.

What I saw
My financial picture wasn't functioning logically
I was spending on things I didn't use or actually enjoy (not always but enough)
Impulse purchases/not intentional purchases
Money not earning money

Experimenting
I asked - can I cut expenses?
Can I try not to buy for a day and extend the time of no spend days?
Can I pause and then delete autopays that I no longer enjoy or need? (Strangely embarrassing to do)
Can I set a grocery day and only shop on that day?
Can I bring my own food?
Can I carry a thermos for water/tea?
What if I physically write down shopping lists on scrap paper instead of using my phone?
Can I designate a budget?
What if I keep a food diary along with this?

More questions
Can I get extra cash to work?
Can I save more?
Can I max retirement contributions/get match?
Question expenses -- do I really need to do that that way?
Can I DIY?
Can I trade, recycle, reuse, borrow?
What do I value?
Do I have a gift card I can use for that?
Can I create a capsule wardrobe from my closet?
Can I do that myself instead of paying someone to do it?
Are there free activities that I can do that are equally as fun?

What happened
Created financial goals
More intentional/conscientious about money
Paying attention in the day-to-day
Unleashing creativity- food, work, activities, painting, writing
Happier
Calmer
Steadiness of mind
Gravitating toward people with similar values

Unexpected side effect -- new habit created on its own
Instead of scrolling social media I go on my budget app and update transactions
Financial fomo replaced social media fomo

Day Five - The minimalist decision tree

Day five on this little 30 day writing challenge that I have imposed on myself is the hardest so far.

Ok, just show up. Ok.

I don't know what to write.  I am tired.  I never fully woke up today.  I am moody and irritable.  Can't form complete thoughts.  I quit spanish class.  No connection with the divine creative magic of art and beauty.   Frustrated.  Just me in I give up clothes embarrassed to be completely honest about my secret clutter places.  

Did you know your phone tracks your screen time?  Apparently I was on my phone for 19 hours in the last 7 days.  I immediately explained this away to music.   That makes sense.  I was listening to music in the background, right? I have been extremely frugal with messaging and have deleted most apps and have detoxed social media- finally.  Must be the music.  Don't worry, your phone lists how those 19 hours of life you will never get back were spent.  My music playing was only about an hour and a half of that.  The majority of the 19 hours were spent on non-specific internet usage.  Don't worry, I was just on the internet for the equivalent of a part-time job.  Doing what -- I have no idea.  

This is crazy.

Today I deleted all the bookmarks I had saved on my internet browser.  Was I really going to go back and visit each of those sites?  For what?  Is that how I want to spend my time? I recycled the pile of articles sitting on the table.  Both just monuments to why don't you make more time to read?  What's wrong with you? I thought you were serious about this?  For some reason my habit is to collect all related items to a thing in order to learn it. Even if I never get to reading the articles. What's funny is how the world felt like it would end when I picked up the papers to recycle them and when I went to hit delete.  How quickly my brain attached importance to something that didn't exist seconds before and that I forgot soon after.  How my brain associated things with knowledge and ability and actualization.

I think that is part of what this practice is about.  Start on the outside -- the objects, the self care, the relationships, slowly move into the more subtle, into the mind.  Observe my own thoughts.  Observe my habits, patterns, reactions, behaviors.  Unlcutter, clarity.  Becoming attuned to what matters and operating from a razor-sharp bullshit meter.

It is about complete, uncomfortable, terrible, awkward, sweet, wonderful honesty.  

Behold -- results from present research as a reminder to myself when I don't know how to proceed that I am implementing posthaste:

The minimalist decision tree

1. Does it feel good?

      2.  No
           3. Is it necessary?

                4. If Yes --> Only in small doses
                4. If No --> Don't do it/buy it/keep it/think it

      2.  Yes
           3. Is it depleting, neutral, or energizing?

                4. Focus on energizing and neutral, minimize depleting
 
Goodnight and good luck.

Day Four - It is easy

The place I want to be, the place that I crave is sweet and kind and clean. It is generous and bountiful and gentle and so low impact it’s barely a whisper. It’s the air on a dewy Sunday morning.  It is uncomplicated, simple. It is a source of energy and inspiration and continuous light.

I won’t dwell on whether I’ve ever been there or the places I’ve been or where I’m coming from. Not today at least. In this moment I wonder what it’s like to instead focus on how that feeling of infinite goodness and purity and light is within us all.  What if we identify with that instead of the early am eye crust? What if we can delight in the wabi sabi of it all and not change a thing?

No adding. No taking away. Just increasing the pause. Maybe this is how time gets bigger. Maybe it just needs space to expand like a smile. The muscles move and rise, releasing dopamine at their peak and then the process begins again. Waves pulling back and then crashing on the shore. Seasons changing. Seeds sprouting, growing, and dying.

I woke up and immediately was disoriented and my mind’s idea of coordinates was a to-do list. Every fun pleasurable beautiful option for the day and for the week rattling off and my being cringed. I don’t need to get rid of things maybe or stop acquiring things maybe. Trace it back to the source. Hold the electronic device and fumble for the electrical chord and trace it back through tangles and furniture and false connections to the source. Find where it’s plugged in. My thoughts. So don’t move for a moment or a few and don’t talk for a moment or a few and just notice the thoughts. The emergency in my head is something my mind is breathing existence into and I can stop at any time.

I settle in and write. And I walk someone else through a basic yoga practice and I forget what time it is. Just inhale your arms up, exhale your arms down. Breathe five times. I want to hold onto this during my yoga practice. I want it to be like this without having to fly across the planet to the main shala in India. I want it to be in me and in others so I don’t have to hold the space. I want it to be at the office and the grocery store and at awkward chance meetings with ex’s and family holidays.

And it’s funny how it is right here. That feeling is right now.  Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Rest in your true nature. This is how we live now, ok. Keep the light switch on.