Perhaps part of this avatar is to be the clown sometimes.  So here it is...

I've got a couple of things I feel like feck it I'll be honest about it and put it out there.  

First thing: I started my first blog because I though it would be a great way for my family and friends to read about my experiences in India without having to write group emails all the time.  Without having to deal with the conversation bit that email lends itself to, I rather enjoyed the writing.  I like writing.  So there.  

I kept the blog despite being intimidated into shutting it down because I feel it documents one person's experience (however messy) for others to read.  Why is that kind of helpful?  Because perhaps someone will read it and see some of what they are going through and continue reading it and see that I came out of it and perhaps they will too.  Or maybe they will see things to avoid.  Or maybe they will see that their special individual experience ain't all that special and so they can stop treating it with sentimental bs and start moving on.  

I sort of wish I had a blog from the very beginning so those coming up could really see how embarrassing my whole process has been thus far.  Maybe it would inspire some people to take up a practice or something.  When things like that Equinox soft porn youtube video are popular -- even amongst well-respected teachers -- I think things like this are important.

Not everyone comes to yoga super-confident about being on the beach in a bikini -- I sure wasn't one of them.  I was all over the place in class and in my mind and I have plenty of things I am currently working with.  I think it is important for people to see that yoga and this practice in particular is FOR ANYONE because it isn't about the postures, etc.  It's the heart that commits to the process that is beautiful.

And back to the soft porn.  Yeah, I watched it.  Pretty.  I'm sure she probably worked really hard to get where she is, etc.  But to me, I'm interested in tristhana.  I'm interested in getting over this whole "I want I want I love I love" and making that epic.  

I think for most people it takes a long time to be like "yay!  I love every bit of primary or intermediate or whatever series".  Maybe it never happens.  And even if it does, perhaps it happens in the mind, not the body.  I'm not sure how to say why that is important in one cohesive sentence, but I know that it is.

I also know that there are people around me and students who think I wake up without an alarm every morning with birds singing and I'm all smiling and "la la la".  That I'm about to take practice and it's like rainbows and glitter.  Dude, I wish.  The days when it is like that, I am so grateful. 

Second thing:

About that whole "my messy process" thing, if I had some sort of NYR I guess it would be to stop acting like the rules don't apply.  Everyone does it.  In asana, my heels aren't on the floor in pasasana and I don't come up from karandavasana.  There.  I said it.  In public.  Please don't tell me the secrets of how to do it.  I don't need the physical advice.  I can do both with help, so I know I can do them on my own, but when it comes to that crucial moment, I can feel my brain tap out and I say to myself "give up" and I do.  That is the truth.  I don't want it to be, but it is.

I have lot's of excuses that I tell myself making it okay.  For people outside of the practice and maybe some people in you're probably saying to yourself "who cares?  it isn't about it the asanas".  You are right, but it is.  You see, these two moments are sort of like these symbols of other things that happen off the mat.  Other places where I'm letting things slide.  Am I "cheating"?  Nope- cheating implies not doing the work and still reaching the goal.  I'm not reaching the goal, I am only stealing from myself.  

What am I talking about?  I am talking about replacing a TV show with the Gita.  I'm talking about the HYP and the yogic diet.  I'm talking about the YS and all of that and trying to pretend that they all only apply when convenient.

So, yeah, it is totally possible.  Effort toward steadiness of mind, no?

The third thing has to wait.