Notes, thoughts, ramblings -- a post practice conversation

My package was at the post office after all and as expected, it was like the black lodge. The poor thing had definitely been through quite a bit and if we could trace the life of the package from the USA to here, I'm sure it would be an interesting voyage that would include car rides, plane rides, boats, being dropped, elephants, mistaken identity, being used as furniture, the night as a pillow, etc. Or maybe that's just how it looks. Note to senders: when mailing packages, I recommend the "divide and conquer" method in which items are all sent individually, thereby increasing the odds that at least one package will make it to the addressee.

We're still hearing drums. The Ganesh festival was last week and I think officially just one day--I mean, we got one day off from the shala. I remember last year that there was a night around the time of the festival that I heard what I was certain was an angry mob that was bringing a riot to Gokulum. Later, my roommies and I found out that it was actually a parade (we had practice the following morning and weren't about to go gallivanting into the night to see for ourselves). But this year, we're still hearing the drums. We heard them outside the window last night. It's this wild raw sound. We went outside and saw a crowd of men dancing (almost capoiera style) and drumming madly around a huge Ganesh statue on a truck (I suppose this is a float) that was lit with twinkling "Christmas" lights. Oh, and they were lighting fireworks/small explosive devices. This was all in the middle of the road and definitely without a permit of any kind (I'm imagining the kind of attention this would get in the streets of New York). We all stood outside of our house watching as vehicles happened to drive right next to or over the explosives just as they would go off. We laughed as the drivers spooked their cars and scooters almost off the road and into the ravine. Removing obstacles?

I'm still settling into this new routine. Is practice getting worse, is it changing, or is my body adapting? Hard to tell, but it still feels awkward. Even as I recognize these reactions, the majority of me feels incredibly grateful/blessed/honored/humbled/etc. The whole time I'm thinking one part "full power" and one part "this is amazing". I feel so lucky that my arms and legs work, that I am alive, that I am fortunate to be able to do things like this, and I only hope that I can remember that feeling the rest of the day because it makes me want to do better, think better, help more...

There are two main coconut men in the "Gok". The first is the coconut guru who runs the official coconut stand where everyone meets up and uses as a point of reference for directions. The other is the coconut man who works outside of the shala during practice hours. Yesterday in painting class, Tomasz told me that he died the previous night of a heart attack. It was so sudden. The only thing I could think of was what was going to happen to his family. So we planned a benefit dinner for them on Friday.

Back to practice: Holding supta vajrasana for a long time as I wait for Sharath or Saraswati to hold my legs down sometimes makes my arms go to sleep. It is actually quite uncomfortable. Then right after that pose I have to do bakasana which is fine but in b where I have to jump into it, I sometimes have trouble (like today for instance). Then in bharadvajrasana--oooh paining!

I feel horrible for even talking about that practice bs next to someone passing. How lucky I am to even be uncomfortable. Really, the pain is a reminder that I'm alive.

Everything is God

This time I'm resting on my back and all I can think of is how amazing it is that I'm lying here. My friend told me that every day she wakes up and thanks God she is here doing this. I thought it was sweet but now I'm feeling it.

A while back before ashtanga I was in corpse pose at the end of a yoga class. I was lying there and feeling my bones touch the ground. I could feel my organs and my flesh and all I could think about was how this is decaying and before I know it I will be dead.

This time I'm thinking about life. How amazing it is to be lying here. My legs work my arms work. I am alive. And even the stupid crap that pisses me off is pretty amazing. Thinking about God or Goddess or universe or whatever makes you think about how much whatever is happening is so small so insignificant and at the same time, it is all that ever existed.

Sharath is amazing. Assisting someone in supta vajrasana is not easy. Usually you sit over their crossed legs and I always have a bit of a challenge applying the right amount of weight. Sharath walks over and places his toes on my shins and I drop back as he stands over me shouting and gesturing with his arms at people around the room. Something big, something small. Looking up he is a giant and I'm so small. It ended with "Bakasana".

In bakasana, you balance on your hands with your knees on the backs of your arms and your knees bent up toward your rear forming you into a little ball. In the second variation of the posture, you have to jump into this position.

So after I get bakasana I'm on my mat thinking about how amazing this is and thinking about God and all that feeling life is this incredible joyous experience. I walk outside. I sit on my bike. I forget how to stand. I fall over and the bike falls with me. The guy with the pushcart that sells oranges laughs. The woman cleaning the driveway of the salon gasps and takes her hands to her cheeks. I laugh and get up and wipe mud off my back. In the end I'm just this ridiculous clown and some falling is just what I needed.

Getting crazy with bakasana:
http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=abBwccUCFEU

A good spot

The first class of the day starts around 4:30am. You get a practice time of maybe 4:45 or 5 but everyone knows that means 4:30 if you want to be able to get "your" spot. That's right, the space you like gets permanently assigned to you by Patanjali. Yeah, I'm definitely joking. People get really possessive with their practice spaces. Me? I like to move around. Even more, I like being in the later classes where you take what ever space opens up. I'd like to think that fate picked that spot for me today, thanks. It just has a nice sound to it.

Today I was assigned the space in the back corner next to the dressing room. I thought this would not be fun because I imagined the hoards of people that would be marching in and out of that door. Actually, it was nice. It made me focus even more. My last pose today was my new pose: supta vajrasana. In Supta Vajrasana (which means sleeping or supine thunderbolt pose), you sit on your mat with your legs in a lotus position. Then, you swing your arms behind your back and catch your toes. Someone holds your legs down and you lean back and put your head on the floor behind yourself a few times with some breathing. That's it.

Saraswati came and sat on my legs. It seems funny that someone could mess up sitting on your legs, but believe me, there is a proper method and Saraswati had it down. Here is a clip of Guruji assisting someone in Supta Vajrasana at the 2002 Ashtanga Yoga World Tour in New York.

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=j2-ga9Zgv94

What day is this?

Shattered-- that's how I feel. I somehow made it to the dressing room to do my finishing poses. I slapped down my mat and reclined. My eyes open, my eyes closed, the room spinning. I wonder if this is how a broken piece of glass feels. It is the same thing, only now in a different form. My back is split open like a nut shell like a orange peel, like a pomegranate, like an exoskeleton. Yes, that's it, I feel like a lobster. The room is still spinning. What happened in there?

Some people say that the pain will come and go. Some say that it will increase over time. Some that it will decrease. This pain is an indication of change. I'm changing. Growing pains. But is this really pain? It feels more like a train stopping abruptly. Or like when the ocean pulls you under. Or a deck of cards being shuffled. I'm not in pain, I'm just overwhelmed, I'm just trying really hard, I'm really just changing. There are no words for any of it, just confusion and experience and then already almost a month has past and I don't know what exactly I have been doing this whole time. I know time is passing because tomorrow is supta vajrasana.