Yoga made me do it

I yelled and I apologized. I had the worst day and the best. I saw Grace bleed through a moment of connection with the universe in a Mysore hospital as a nervous doctor trembled with a needle making a hole too small for his eyes to see and his hands to handle. We came away laughing and smiling.

--Again the old me knew the new me needed to hope and plan and couldn't handle waiting one day more and I'm so glad I got the days wrong because now I get a happy heart and no goodbyes. --

We reclined side by side on cushions in the dark talking about feeling real human connection and the shadow of the trees outside danced on the wall to the music playing on the battery power. All we hear between our words is the pouring rain. I know it is a distraction. I know I'm running away from myself, but it is amazing and absolutely intoxicating and I'm going to fall into someone else anyway.

Gasping and Grasping Poses, Air, and Ankles

The other day after practice, I was walking and talking with a fellow student at the shala. At one point she mentioned how that in ashtanga, there is no room for grasping because there will always be something to attain. This made me think for a moment of my own practice and experience with yoga. In terms of asana, I am about half content to practice whatever my teacher tells me without thinking of what's up next and half can't wait for the next thing. I saw someone doing a pose from fourth series and thought to myself, "do i really need to do that to be fulfilled?" Anyway, she's right. There is always something. There is no room for grasping with ashtanga.

As a teacher, it is very difficult to explain this to a student. Especially a New Yorker. The worst is when a brand new mysore student is given a "cheat sheet" of the series. This only implies to the student that they must learn this entire sequence, and instead of feeling that they are right where they need to be, they feel like everyone knows the entire sequence besides them. Additionally, it takes away from the student teacher dialogue. The student looks to the sheet constantly instead of looking to the teacher for help. At this point I wonder why someone is in class at all and what exactly they expect the role of the teacher to be. I think that cheat sheets can be helpful in some situations, but they aren't necessary. And anyway, these sheets don't teach you alignment, or other subtle aspects of the practice.

It is almost impossible for most beginners to be completely objective about their practice and where they should be in primary series. I mean, they are beginners! Mysore is taught the way it is taught for a reason. each pose leads to the next. You master one before another to avoid injury and to practice what is appropriate for your body, not your ego.

Let's say fine, a person has this sheet and decides they have "completed" first series. Do they then demand a second series sheet by which they haphazardly attempt all poses at will? Yikes! Obviously this is not impossible. There are plenty of videos and books out there. But I think most people would agree that it is better to practice under the guidance of a teacher to avoid injury.

So there is this particular student of mine who is actually probably my best student. He comes in every day with one of these cheat sheets and throws himself around doing whatever poses he feels like, in no particular order, of course. I've finally convinced him to slow down and work on standing postures, but even then, he focuses on "mastering"each posture. For example, in utthita hasta, the man can barely balance, breathe, and hold a drishti, and yet insists on attempting to fold. In one recent instance, I decided he was probably stable enough to give a little bit of assist here. Wrong. This gave him enough confidence to again try to fold, swing his leg about, forget drishti, grasp the air with flailing limbs, and punch me in the face before hitting the ground himself, pretty hard. Hmmm.

But, sometimes punching the teacher in the face and hitting the floor hard is what it takes to give in. Swaha. He came in the next day, without a cheat sheet, ready to listen and actually, he turned out to have a very mindful practice.

And then there are the ankles. I think I finally found out what that body block was that I was trying to exorcise in mysore (check my blog http://www.mysoremusings.blogspot.com/) -- it was an aching heart. This realization came to me on Monday. I don't usually talk relationships... My significant other and I had a big fight Sunday night. A big one. The kind that sends someone to another room to sleep. My practice on Monday was heavy, achy, tight, and the left side of my chest was incredibly tight and sore. When I went for ankle grabbing, never have I felt such a sensation. It was as if a squirrel had built a nest and was hibernating in my chest.

The rest of the week was not so bad as Monday, but now that I notice it, it is hard to ignore. Does love live there? Or does heart ache live there? And when you are in love, doesn't that ache, even when it is good?

Snow is coming

I try to imagine what it would be like if it snowed in Mysore. This makes me remember watching the "Guruji, Copenhagan" film at the India Song House in Mysore. In it, Guruji is all bundled up, ready to face the weather. This makes me smile.

I miss him, and I miss Mysore. I miss having a teacher watching me. I miss the simplicity of the days.

I walked into my room today and just did my laundry. This event has been some time in the making. But I did it. I didn't think about it, I just did it.

Sometimes when I practice, I'm looking at the tip of my nose, and where I am seems timeless, place less, even. I feel like maybe Sharath is to my right and that the blur I can sense is him instead of a laundry bin.

I want to tell myself that right now I am learning leaps and bounds of information, that I am going out every night and meeting new people, that my classes are packed and in demand, that my relationships are strong and mutually fulfilling. I'm searching my mind, my heart, and wondering if there is some sort of block, something I can't see, some kind of resistance, something. Despite all the "spiritual growth" and inquiry, despite all the philosophy and life practices I have been studying for some time, I still fall into these same patterns. I don't want to be dramatic, but they are patterns of self-inflicted misery. The worse part is that I am usually completely aware that I am doing it. Its like being in for surgery and hearing, feeling, and seeing the surgeons slice my skin. Hmmm.

I consider myself lucky to have moments like I just did where I can step back just far enough to admit that I feel like shit, but also that its all so ridiculous.

No matter all the precautions one may take, a flat tire is always a possibility. The thing is, when one gets a flat, usually the reaction is not to just ignore it, but to actively go through the process to have it repaired.

Recently Read: "The Beach" Verdict: couldn't put it down. It made standing outside on a subway platform at five in the morning in the snow, bearable.

Recently Watched: The author of "Eat, Pray, Love" on Oprah. I haven't fully digested this yet, but I think there is something good happening here.

Post script: But its the students that really get to me. I've had 2 walk out of my led primary recently when they saw I'd be teaching. But what I am actually refering to is the students who keep coming back and keep trying. Its amazing. There are days when I really, seriously want to throw in the towel, and then I see them practice and I remember that this is why I'm here.