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Did I do that?

Well, the day has come. I did this:

Sharath helped me in back bends today. I was suprised because my hands weren't as high as yesterday, but still, they were in about the same place as Nancy (above). I straightened my legs, and then, Sharath stepped back and let go. I balanced there all by myself. After a few breaths, I popped up, eyes wide, and Sharath said "good". That was it and maybe that was enough. I wanted to just jump on him and give him or someone a hug I was so overwhelmed with excitement. Now that is a crazy feeling.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/govindakai/sets/72157594334113610/

Theta boy

"No afraid," Saraswati smiled up at me.
"Not today," I said. And I really meant it. I meant it so much that it was almost a joke that someone else made and it wasn't me freaking out yesterday.

I had taken my three wheels and three drop backs and was waiting with my arms crossed across my chest like a mummy for Sharath or Saraswati to come help me. Sharath was waiting to help someone else in back bends and I could see that he clearly was avoiding me. I'm glad he did, because I had unfinished business with Saraswati.

She took her time and came over to me. I felt strong, flexible, brave. I really integrated the idea that it wasn't Saraswati's back bend or even practice. No--it was mine and this is my moment and she is here to help me. So I pretended she wasn't even there. I back bended like I was going to do it all on my own and she was an extension of me. She grabbed my hands and put them on my legs and my heels stayed down and I felt strong. She walked my hands up and up and I straightened my legs more and more. And then she kept walking them and I kept straightening them until my hands were holding maybe my knees but it is hard to tell when you are backwards and upside down. My hands were almost even. I couldn't even remember a time when my left shoulder was bothersome. My legs were as straight as I've ever taken them and my thighs were on fire. My butt was on fire.

I was right on the edge and the sensations were insane. I felt myself get a little tired or a little afraid like when you back away from the edge of a cliff and in that moment something inside me said "no, I am not afraid" and I completely straightened my legs and everything just stacked up.


I felt Saraswati step away so that she was barely even touching me. I felt like I had fireworks in my pelvis or maybe a fish bowl swirling with koi and bubbles.I felt like those colorful blobs in that Bjork video were jumping inside me. I was there maybe for a few seconds, maybe a minute bu not longer. I stood up, shocked. Saraswati had a very serious face. I put my hands on her shoulders and just kind of looked at her. She nodded and gave me the best squish of my life. The funny thing is, my back was not tense at all. It felt great. I've never felt better. I pranced to the dressing room and took my finishing postures. I rested and went to another planet. I realized that yes, it is 99% practice 1% theory, but with time, you notice that actually it is also 99% mental and 1% physical.

No--seriously, I am in India

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. It could have been the new moon. It could have been "the roots" (my roommates are crazy hippies that constantly promote the wondrous miracle of their special root powder). It could have been the loss of another close friend to the transient nature of Mysore. When I finally got to sleep, my dreams were intense and fiery. I awoke with electricity and snoozed with gusto. I kept asking myself what time I had to be up, at practice, in the shower. Everything felt off. I slept with my eyes open as the hot water beat my back in the shower. Were my eyes open when I brushed my teeth? It was all like a dream. But when I jumped on my scooter and the wind blew the sleepiness off my face, all I could hear was some Bob Marley song from earlier the previous day. "Wow I'm in India!"

Was I in a David Lynch movie? It could have been. Before I had left the house, I was online looking for some human connection, reading emails, and skimming the front page of the New York Times. Packs of wild digs were howling outside like I've never heard before. I was almost scared to go out there. A car horn was letting out a steady honk. The headline reads:

BAILOUT FAILS; STOCKS PLUNGE

After Vote, Dow Closes 777 Points Down

And further down:
For Stocks, Worst Single-Day Drop in Two Decades
I imagine the end of Fight Club when all the financial institutions are crumbling to the ground.

In front of the shala there are a fraction of the scooters that there were last week. On the steps, there are less sandals. Inside, there were so many open mat spaces that I had a hard time choosing. I eventually rolled out next to Mauricio, Alex, Nuno, and Francisco. Nothing abnormal about practice except perhaps that the standing postures are beginning to feel more natural like when I was at Guy's. (I'm starting to think that this is an effect of second series only--the shoulders aren't as bulky? Also noticeable difference in back bending...read below.) I tried to take my time and to lengthen my breathing in the poses that make me uncomfortable to do so such as pasasana, bhekasana, etc.

I had worked on some eka pada and dwi pada strategies with Alex. With the eka pada's, I really felt a difference, and with the dwi pada, I was more even, however, I didn't remember until I was already finished that I had planned to come into it a different way. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I felt fairly comfortable in yoga nidrasana--my feet felt pretty even behind my head. But then, down the tip of my nose, I could see Sharath hovering above me like those movie images of doctors hovering over a patient which has just reached consciousness. I lifted my head, he wedged his feet between mine and started wiggling them away from each other so they went deeper behind my neck. Then, I pressed my head back and my neck was practically on the floor. After, he told me "dwi pada like that". He said it a few times because I think I looked at him with this dopey blank stare that I probably have before 5:30am. I asked him if I should take dwi pada again and he said nope--tomorrow.

Sharath stood in front of me during all three of my back bends and all three of my drop backs. Now when I'm dropping back, I'm hovering until I can see my legs and bending my arms as if I would grab and then lightly landing on the floor. I think this helps me. When I went for chakra bandhasana (because let's just admit it, those aren't ankles anymore), Sharath took my right hand just behind my right knee. When he took my left hand, I was like "yeah right" because usually it is "yeah right" but today it was: Yeah. Right. I straightened my legs and brought in my elbows. He inched my left hand higher and then my right. He said to straighten my legs and I tried. He said to balance and I just stood there. It was a moment of total silence like that space before a car crashes where you see everything happening in slow motion or when you are about to fall. It was just me hovering there while the rest of the shala sped by. When I came up, I stood there for a second, completely winded. My body could not figure out what had just happened. I think Sharath was saying "good good". I was overwhelmed with...maybe it was emotion. I hobbled to the dressing room and just lied there for a while wondering if I should cry but by wondering, scared back the tears.

I feel great.

Gasping and Grasping Poses, Air, and Ankles

The other day after practice, I was walking and talking with a fellow student at the shala. At one point she mentioned how that in ashtanga, there is no room for grasping because there will always be something to attain. This made me think for a moment of my own practice and experience with yoga. In terms of asana, I am about half content to practice whatever my teacher tells me without thinking of what's up next and half can't wait for the next thing. I saw someone doing a pose from fourth series and thought to myself, "do i really need to do that to be fulfilled?" Anyway, she's right. There is always something. There is no room for grasping with ashtanga.

As a teacher, it is very difficult to explain this to a student. Especially a New Yorker. The worst is when a brand new mysore student is given a "cheat sheet" of the series. This only implies to the student that they must learn this entire sequence, and instead of feeling that they are right where they need to be, they feel like everyone knows the entire sequence besides them. Additionally, it takes away from the student teacher dialogue. The student looks to the sheet constantly instead of looking to the teacher for help. At this point I wonder why someone is in class at all and what exactly they expect the role of the teacher to be. I think that cheat sheets can be helpful in some situations, but they aren't necessary. And anyway, these sheets don't teach you alignment, or other subtle aspects of the practice.

It is almost impossible for most beginners to be completely objective about their practice and where they should be in primary series. I mean, they are beginners! Mysore is taught the way it is taught for a reason. each pose leads to the next. You master one before another to avoid injury and to practice what is appropriate for your body, not your ego.

Let's say fine, a person has this sheet and decides they have "completed" first series. Do they then demand a second series sheet by which they haphazardly attempt all poses at will? Yikes! Obviously this is not impossible. There are plenty of videos and books out there. But I think most people would agree that it is better to practice under the guidance of a teacher to avoid injury.

So there is this particular student of mine who is actually probably my best student. He comes in every day with one of these cheat sheets and throws himself around doing whatever poses he feels like, in no particular order, of course. I've finally convinced him to slow down and work on standing postures, but even then, he focuses on "mastering"each posture. For example, in utthita hasta, the man can barely balance, breathe, and hold a drishti, and yet insists on attempting to fold. In one recent instance, I decided he was probably stable enough to give a little bit of assist here. Wrong. This gave him enough confidence to again try to fold, swing his leg about, forget drishti, grasp the air with flailing limbs, and punch me in the face before hitting the ground himself, pretty hard. Hmmm.

But, sometimes punching the teacher in the face and hitting the floor hard is what it takes to give in. Swaha. He came in the next day, without a cheat sheet, ready to listen and actually, he turned out to have a very mindful practice.

And then there are the ankles. I think I finally found out what that body block was that I was trying to exorcise in mysore (check my blog http://www.mysoremusings.blogspot.com/) -- it was an aching heart. This realization came to me on Monday. I don't usually talk relationships... My significant other and I had a big fight Sunday night. A big one. The kind that sends someone to another room to sleep. My practice on Monday was heavy, achy, tight, and the left side of my chest was incredibly tight and sore. When I went for ankle grabbing, never have I felt such a sensation. It was as if a squirrel had built a nest and was hibernating in my chest.

The rest of the week was not so bad as Monday, but now that I notice it, it is hard to ignore. Does love live there? Or does heart ache live there? And when you are in love, doesn't that ache, even when it is good?