I try to imagine what it would be like if it snowed in Mysore. This makes me remember watching the "Guruji, Copenhagan" film at the India Song House in Mysore. In it, Guruji is all bundled up, ready to face the weather. This makes me smile.
I miss him, and I miss Mysore. I miss having a teacher watching me. I miss the simplicity of the days.
I walked into my room today and just did my laundry. This event has been some time in the making. But I did it. I didn't think about it, I just did it.
Sometimes when I practice, I'm looking at the tip of my nose, and where I am seems timeless, place less, even. I feel like maybe Sharath is to my right and that the blur I can sense is him instead of a laundry bin.
I want to tell myself that right now I am learning leaps and bounds of information, that I am going out every night and meeting new people, that my classes are packed and in demand, that my relationships are strong and mutually fulfilling. I'm searching my mind, my heart, and wondering if there is some sort of block, something I can't see, some kind of resistance, something. Despite all the "spiritual growth" and inquiry, despite all the philosophy and life practices I have been studying for some time, I still fall into these same patterns. I don't want to be dramatic, but they are patterns of self-inflicted misery. The worse part is that I am usually completely aware that I am doing it. Its like being in for surgery and hearing, feeling, and seeing the surgeons slice my skin. Hmmm.
I consider myself lucky to have moments like I just did where I can step back just far enough to admit that I feel like shit, but also that its all so ridiculous.
No matter all the precautions one may take, a flat tire is always a possibility. The thing is, when one gets a flat, usually the reaction is not to just ignore it, but to actively go through the process to have it repaired.
Recently Read: "The Beach" Verdict: couldn't put it down. It made standing outside on a subway platform at five in the morning in the snow, bearable.
Recently Watched: The author of "Eat, Pray, Love" on Oprah. I haven't fully digested this yet, but I think there is something good happening here.
Post script: But its the students that really get to me. I've had 2 walk out of my led primary recently when they saw I'd be teaching. But what I am actually refering to is the students who keep coming back and keep trying. Its amazing. There are days when I really, seriously want to throw in the towel, and then I see them practice and I remember that this is why I'm here.
I miss him, and I miss Mysore. I miss having a teacher watching me. I miss the simplicity of the days.
I walked into my room today and just did my laundry. This event has been some time in the making. But I did it. I didn't think about it, I just did it.
Sometimes when I practice, I'm looking at the tip of my nose, and where I am seems timeless, place less, even. I feel like maybe Sharath is to my right and that the blur I can sense is him instead of a laundry bin.
I want to tell myself that right now I am learning leaps and bounds of information, that I am going out every night and meeting new people, that my classes are packed and in demand, that my relationships are strong and mutually fulfilling. I'm searching my mind, my heart, and wondering if there is some sort of block, something I can't see, some kind of resistance, something. Despite all the "spiritual growth" and inquiry, despite all the philosophy and life practices I have been studying for some time, I still fall into these same patterns. I don't want to be dramatic, but they are patterns of self-inflicted misery. The worse part is that I am usually completely aware that I am doing it. Its like being in for surgery and hearing, feeling, and seeing the surgeons slice my skin. Hmmm.
I consider myself lucky to have moments like I just did where I can step back just far enough to admit that I feel like shit, but also that its all so ridiculous.
No matter all the precautions one may take, a flat tire is always a possibility. The thing is, when one gets a flat, usually the reaction is not to just ignore it, but to actively go through the process to have it repaired.
Recently Read: "The Beach" Verdict: couldn't put it down. It made standing outside on a subway platform at five in the morning in the snow, bearable.
Recently Watched: The author of "Eat, Pray, Love" on Oprah. I haven't fully digested this yet, but I think there is something good happening here.
Post script: But its the students that really get to me. I've had 2 walk out of my led primary recently when they saw I'd be teaching. But what I am actually refering to is the students who keep coming back and keep trying. Its amazing. There are days when I really, seriously want to throw in the towel, and then I see them practice and I remember that this is why I'm here.
No comments:
Post a Comment