NY: Stinky Armpit or Steamy Tropical? (Under pressure)

The good, bad, and ugly post.

Right now, New York is a bit like both. It is a little too hot to feel comfortable walking more than a block but instead of having the permission to just bask in the steamy goodness, one feels compelled to pummel through. I find myself constantly echoing "so good" "yay summer" and "shorts!" It is the only way to find balance between the two worlds.

But really, right now I am a bag of excuses that should probably be stuffed into a sack with "sorrys". If I can't go to the early practice shift, I don't want to go at all because it is just so darn hot and sweaty. I admit it. I like the AC. At my house it gets the room to a bearable 80 (on a good day) with a lot less humidity. I've got a mild case of asthma, so I feel like I really feel that mush humidity/heat. I get annoyed with all the people heaving themselves around me. All that sweat (mine and theirs) gets thrown all over the place and when it is time for Mukta Hasta Sirsasana C I get agitated because my hands just slip all over like I'm giving the floor a massage. I just want to do my practice! I get mad a Guy for trying to get me to reach my full potential. I'm just happy I'm on my mat! I worry about my sternoclavicular joint, so I'm trying to be hyper-precise in my vinyasas. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. I'm mad that I have to work...

What it comes down to is I am a little ball of cranky right now because I am a little stressed out about an upcoming GRE exam. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to academic achievement.


photo: http://thelittlechimpsociety.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/sweaty.jpg

ugh facebook

so easy to get sucked in.  leads to googling ex-boyfriends.  daydreaming about getting the old crew back together.  ick.

Dear God,

It's me.  Are you there?

I'd pray when I was younger when there were things that felt completely out of my control.

A dog please.

Friends please.

Not to get caught please.

And yet, perhaps praying to God is a way of controlling the situation.  If I ask God, then clearly I have delegated a task to someone/thing who can get things done.  I've tossed a statement into a jar and sent it out to sea.  I have written a letter to Santa for presents and they better be the right ones otherwise I'll be stuck with a bunch of crap I don't want...

Asking God for stuff is making a choice that something is what I want.  At the time (back in the day) I'm sure I was talking to God the dude in the sky with the beard and I was this super-powerful earth goddess that totally connected with him.  I could talk to animals too.  Obviously.

I don't really pray like that anymore.  I think about God, but it is less like God my Big Brother and more like God the world is an amazing place.  I think about people and now and happiness and sadness and suffering and blessings.  I think about all this stuff crashing into each other in the middle of an intersection and that explosion in the center is God.  I think.

But today was different.  I had these intense internal moments during practice where I was there but then also sort of consciously decided to day dream that actually I was floating up to the sky and in Mukta Hasta Sirsasana C on a surf board zipping through the clouds.  And then I was thinking about blue bursts of light shooting up my guts and spine the color of blue 1980's dance/aerobics video lighting.  And then I was up in space flying around.  I just took my mind to this crazy place and giggled inside that no one in the room could have imagined that I was thinking about this stuff.

And it was also God.  It started with "God, I think that maybe today is the day that this crazy stuff is just going to snap my body in two".  And it turned into just "God".  God. God. God.  It gave me something to think about so I felt like I was busy or something.

But then after class as I dodged last night's puke on the sidewalk and hopped over puddles of dog pee, I thought about praying (or whatever).  "Um, so, hey God (or whatever).  Here's where I am at.  Give me a sign or something.  Okay, thanks."

I think that is it.

Kamikaze Practice -- from the crazy mixed up files of second series

stuff that should probably be marked as really private but whatever

... and some days I get this feeling of just... just dead.  Everything is dead and pointless and meaningless and a whole lot of complete bullshit and I really really just want to keep connecting with truth, reality, god, whatever.  

Drishti, flying, drugs, cliff jumping, tattoos, sex, heights, extreme sports, dancing, kamikaze practice.

Those headstands at the end of second are like that.  Some people are more suicidal than others.  I get a sick thrill out of just falling and then last second --bam!  Hands on the floor.  Bam!  Hands on the floor!  Bam!  That was loud!  Bam!  Fuck everyone in the room!  Bam! Alive! Bam!  Bam!  Strength, concentration?  Maybe just a whole lot of just me.  Just getting real small and sitting inside this body and laughing at all the crazy shit it does.  Getting a wild joy out of riding it into the sunset.  Trying to wear myself out so that everything else get in perspective or a little bit quieter and a little less immediate and important.  A bit like Fight Club...

"After a night in fight club, everything in the real world gets the volume turned down.  Nothing can piss you off.  Your word is law, and if other people break that law or question you, even that doesn't piss you off."

Miss you

I miss blogging. I do.

There are many truths to why I am at the bottom of the mountain with all my gear just paralyzed and unable to take that first step...until now? No guarantees. The truth is that I don't want to feel that I am writing for anyone. I don't want to feel like I am doing anything just to report back or bring to show and tell. I am at a place where I really want to share stuff but also want to keep it to myself. I want people to read but I also want to pretend that no one reads it at all. I want to be anonymous, but also I don't.

I want to say where I am in practice, how it is going, and that my scalp sheds like a snake skin. I want people to reply that that happened to them too from the headstands. But I also don't want to say that I am doing them. I want to say that I am teaching a little again, but I don't want word to get around and get into "trouble" with whomever.

It is really weird. I have been writing a bit on a completely private blog. I don't check the grammar, I just kind of write whatever. It is so much different when you know that it is possible for people to read the bullshit that you write. I feel like I really have to say something.

Here it is: I don't know what to say.