Dear God,

It's me.  Are you there?

I'd pray when I was younger when there were things that felt completely out of my control.

A dog please.

Friends please.

Not to get caught please.

And yet, perhaps praying to God is a way of controlling the situation.  If I ask God, then clearly I have delegated a task to someone/thing who can get things done.  I've tossed a statement into a jar and sent it out to sea.  I have written a letter to Santa for presents and they better be the right ones otherwise I'll be stuck with a bunch of crap I don't want...

Asking God for stuff is making a choice that something is what I want.  At the time (back in the day) I'm sure I was talking to God the dude in the sky with the beard and I was this super-powerful earth goddess that totally connected with him.  I could talk to animals too.  Obviously.

I don't really pray like that anymore.  I think about God, but it is less like God my Big Brother and more like God the world is an amazing place.  I think about people and now and happiness and sadness and suffering and blessings.  I think about all this stuff crashing into each other in the middle of an intersection and that explosion in the center is God.  I think.

But today was different.  I had these intense internal moments during practice where I was there but then also sort of consciously decided to day dream that actually I was floating up to the sky and in Mukta Hasta Sirsasana C on a surf board zipping through the clouds.  And then I was thinking about blue bursts of light shooting up my guts and spine the color of blue 1980's dance/aerobics video lighting.  And then I was up in space flying around.  I just took my mind to this crazy place and giggled inside that no one in the room could have imagined that I was thinking about this stuff.

And it was also God.  It started with "God, I think that maybe today is the day that this crazy stuff is just going to snap my body in two".  And it turned into just "God".  God. God. God.  It gave me something to think about so I felt like I was busy or something.

But then after class as I dodged last night's puke on the sidewalk and hopped over puddles of dog pee, I thought about praying (or whatever).  "Um, so, hey God (or whatever).  Here's where I am at.  Give me a sign or something.  Okay, thanks."

I think that is it.

Kamikaze Practice -- from the crazy mixed up files of second series

stuff that should probably be marked as really private but whatever

... and some days I get this feeling of just... just dead.  Everything is dead and pointless and meaningless and a whole lot of complete bullshit and I really really just want to keep connecting with truth, reality, god, whatever.  

Drishti, flying, drugs, cliff jumping, tattoos, sex, heights, extreme sports, dancing, kamikaze practice.

Those headstands at the end of second are like that.  Some people are more suicidal than others.  I get a sick thrill out of just falling and then last second --bam!  Hands on the floor.  Bam!  Hands on the floor!  Bam!  That was loud!  Bam!  Fuck everyone in the room!  Bam! Alive! Bam!  Bam!  Strength, concentration?  Maybe just a whole lot of just me.  Just getting real small and sitting inside this body and laughing at all the crazy shit it does.  Getting a wild joy out of riding it into the sunset.  Trying to wear myself out so that everything else get in perspective or a little bit quieter and a little less immediate and important.  A bit like Fight Club...

"After a night in fight club, everything in the real world gets the volume turned down.  Nothing can piss you off.  Your word is law, and if other people break that law or question you, even that doesn't piss you off."

The care and keeping of second series friends and loved ones

Maybe no one told you, because I know that no one told me.

There is something about second series that really shakes a person up. I see the people just starting the series and they are energetic and smiling. I see the the people practicing full second and they are social butterflies. I see the people working the middle and they are all quiet loners. They are often forlorn and quick to withdraw to their caves. They are content to be alone shuffling about their houses. Their eating habits are strange. Their train of thought and social skills are at times puzzling.

So now that is me. Just realized it. My body sometimes feels completely shattered. All I want is comfort food, soothing voices, my mom, my boyfriend. Cozy sweaters and lying in the sun. I want comfort, sweetness, easy, soft. I want to be home for the holidays. I want to watch Christmas movies and romantic comedies. What I am getting is rigid, real, spicy, or at least that is how it seems. Aggressive and intense. Too much.

But now that I know, it is funny. Just watching myself be ridiculous. I am going to laugh when I see my friends doing the same thing. Just laugh and smile.

Add that to my most recent ENTJ read:


Under Stress The ENTJ:

• May become extremely critical of themselves and others
• Will become angry, controlling and blindly issues orders without respect to consequences
• Will begin to strongly doubt themselves
• Under extreme stress they may withdraw, feel hurt, trapped and become over emotional
• May withdraw and strongly criticize others

Sounds like fun, right? Ha ha. Really, reading this stuff I feel a huge cloud moving from above me to drop rain over someone else's head. The world is sunny again. The world is my oyster. This is me riding off into the horizon. Off into the great unknown.

Sunday I'm stuck to the side of a blender.

I stormed down the block wanting to push over every parked scooter. I wanted to kick every Indian guy with tight eighties acid washed jeans in the crotch. I swung my arms into the air and yelled. I kicked up dirt and stomped on all things that would crunch. I wanted to give India a good kick in the balls. Some moments are like that. You're trying and trying and trying and India just says no and that is it. You have to give up, you have to surrender, you have to let go. And even moments like that pass and are quite comical in retrospect.

This morning was the led second series class which is supposed to begin at 6:15, but seems to really start at 6:30. I ran from the toilet to find everyone else standing on their mats listening to Sharath's announcements: conference today at 9:30am followed by tabla performance, and then "samastitihi!"

I practiced between Leecha (friend and fellow Tina's breakfast "server" [I was working at Tina's during month 1]) and Mauricio (the practice twin). I confess that I did a few pre-practice stretches. My rationale is that in New York I move a lot more than I do here and so I'm trying to level the playing field. But whatever, who cares anyway? I wore the long pants so that bakasana b was more guaranteed (I have to jump my knees to perch on my arms and balance and slippery arms make a crappy landing base). Boy could I feel my arms working in the next two postures and then came my last pose--eka pada sirsasana. I began to roll up my mat and Sharath stuck out his finger "one more". I quickly rolled out my mat once more and took the next pose--dwi pada sirsasana.

1. From down dog, jump legs into bhujapidasana position (legs crossed around arms while balancing on hands)
2. lower butt to ground
3. take legs behind head
4. take hands into a prayer position
5. breathe 5 times
6. lift butt off ground while balancing on hands
7. take 5 breaths
8. take bakasana -- crow pose
9. jump back chaturanga
10. I go back.

Off to the coco stand to meet fellow travellers to Coorg. Hoping to take a bus. Coffee and mountains here we come!

Bad Lady

That's what Guruji (Sharath's Grandfather and living master of ashtanga yoga/director of the Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute) used to say all the time to people in class. Sometimes he meant it because you weren't doing a pose correctly, other times he was just being cute. My teacher, Mary, says that Guruji thinks that is her name. You don't hear "bad lady" anymore. So now anyone who was ever called that holds onto that moment like a treasure and those who caught the train late dream that maybe one day Guruji will teach and call them "Bad Lady" or "Bad Man" too. In a crowd of around 80 people in one batch, it means something to be pointed out, even if it is to be called out for doing something "bad". It means that Guruji noticed you.

Guruji had lots of other little sayings like "$50 dollar fine". I read somewhere that on a trip to New York, he saw all these signs for fines and he thought this was the funniest thing. So from then on in his teaching when someone did some sort of breach he'd say "$50 fine". Yesterday, I heard the words "$100 dollar fine coming from Sharath over the sound of feet hitting the ground and breathing.

Somethings are the same, but some will never be. Guruji, Sri K Pattabhi Jois is still listed as the Director of the Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute (AYRI) in Mysore, India. However, he hasn't taught a class for some time. You see, early last year he had a number of major health problems. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but word has it that he has diabetes (type 2 is quite common in India) and didn't really take care of it (he is a notorious chocolate lover). He got an infection in his foot which spread and he ended up in the hospital. I think something else happened as well and I might recall that he was in a coma or something like that. This caused the cancellation of his only US visit in 2007 to Florida. I talked with Saraswati (his teaching assistant and daughter/Sharath's mother) who said that Guruji had recently undergone bypass surgery. Well, he is old--94 I think.

So, he isn't teaching anymore. Sometimes students will see him sitting in the office or shuffling in and out doors. He doesn't talk to anyone. It is sad. It is a bit selfish, but still, I wonder what those who haven't had the chance to study intensely with Guruji have missed out on. Now his Grandson, Sharath, is the head teacher. He is in his thirties and has a family and an interesting sense of humor. I like him very much.

AYRI is no longer called AYRI, but instead KPJAYI (K Pattabhi Jois Ashtanga Yoga Institute). As they have taken the word "Research" out of the name, I wonder does this mean that they have completed their research into the benefits and effects of ashtanga yoga practice? If so, will the be publishing their findings any time soon?

Thus far, my findings include the fact that it is now day three of only second series practice and I definitely feel different from last week. My back and front side feel very open and long. I have lots of extra energy that I don't know what to do with. I feel so lucky to have limbs that can walk and move and do this stuff. Second series makes me feel intensely frustrated/angry/loving/caring/giving. I was really miffed by this guy who said some real mean things to me and I was thinking about what a jerk and hypocrite he was and then I had the thought in Surya Namaskar that even he was God and that I was going to dedicate my practice to him. I mean, even jerks are people too no?

And even people are jerks. In the shower this morning, I realized that I forgot to pay my last apartments house cleaner for a month's worth of laundry. They must think I'm such a deadbeat! I feel awful about this because one month of daily laundry service costs me 150 rs ($3.40). This amount really means something to this poor woman and I forgot. I am such a jerk! So today I have to remember to go to my old apartment and grovel so they'll give me the package from my mom that has maybe arrived even thought I refused to pay them extra for double occupancy (that's another story) and the fact that they thought I called them dogs (which I didn't--it was a misunderstanding). And pay my laundry bill. Should be fun. Humbling at the very least. This is my yoga.

So Sore (the 5:30am pre-teaching and practicing post)

This week I got yoga nidrasana from Russell. I was a bit surprised, actually. I suppose I'm always surprised when I get a new pose.

The other night, I had browsed through my copy of Iyengar's Light on Yoga, and under eka pada sirsasana, the thing that really stands out is his comment on how in this pose you really realize how hard it is to get a leg back behind your head and keep it there. When I saw people doing the pose in the past, they always looked so serene, now I understand that they were concentrating on a lot of different things at once. For instance, you have to get the leg back there, plus you have to find a sweet spot where the leg can rest and not fly off your back. But, you also have to be able to fold and to do any of this, you have to be able to hold your head up.

For someone that reads constantly, I am discovering all the underdeveloped muscles in the back of my neck. It doesn't make sleeping particularly pleasant, but I'm hoping that its going to do wonders for my posture.

Next comes dwi pada sirsasana. Its not the legs behind the head part that is hard, its the lack of strength in my neck. After all the work in eka pada, I've got very little left to give dwi pada. I wonder how long it will take to get stronger? I think the first week the body is like "cool, I can handle this." The second week, it has used all its energy and that is when the real body changes begin.

Yoga nidrasana is great because gravity helps your head to weigh down your legs.

In a rush, off to teach...

2 Kinds of Savasana

I should probably look this up, but I remember learning that in ashtanga that bit on your back at the end is "resting", not "savasana".

So I was "resting" last week at the Shala when I realized the difference in my practice. Last week I got eka pada sirsasana and dwi pada sirsasana and my first taste of practicing second series only: the split. But it was on Friday that I noticed the real difference in how I felt.

I had practiced primary feeling at once relieved and comforted as well as completely exhasuted and sore. Once I reclined for resting I was amazed at how unbelieveably soothing it was. The whole week I had to practically force myself to relax, despite how much I ached to just lie down. The difference is in the savasana.

My worried shoes

"One day I looked around and found the sun shining down and I took off my worried shoes"
-Daniel Johnston

I think that I can finally say that I have gotten used to waking up before 5am to teach and practice. It is painful and hard to believe when it is happening, but I came to the conclusion that even when I sleep in, I don't hear birds singing and squirrels aren't trying my hair in bows, while bunnies bring me tea.

I walked in to teach this morning and paused, looked around, and realized that what was completely throwing me off was that there were only men in my class. About a minute later, a female student walked in, did the same double take and was not at all sure as to where to put her mat. In Mysore, I really feel that most of the time, the male to female student ratio was usually equal. Sometimes the numbers swung one way or another, but in New York, it is almost guaranteed that there will be mostly ladies in class. Just thought that was interesting.

After I taught, I headed downtown to the Ashtanga Yoga Shala to practice. Russell was teaching (I'd really like to practice with Sally but don't know when she's teaching). Practice was going on and on and I noticed other people stopping early in primary to start second and faught back pangs of jealousy. Its not the poses that make me ache, so much as the time. After class, Russell mentioned that in the past, people got split at Karandavasana, which means that up until they "get" that pose, they would practice full primary AND second series up until that point. This would mean a two and a half hour practice! Getting split means that once you get karandavasana, you could save primary for fridays and just work on second series the rest of the week. Now in Mysore, I noticed that they are usually splitting people at Eka Pada Sirsasana. I wonder if it has to do with time and the number of students that are going.

When I got to Bakasana B, I gave it 2 strong tries but slid down, and on the third, I stuck it. Feeling satisfied, I jumped through for backbends and Russell walked over to give me bharadvajrasana and ardha matsyendrasana. Unique to ashtanga is that feeling you get of a new pose. It is like Christmas. Physically, your body is so used to the patterns you usually make, that the new movements are like crack. Mentally, you feel so giddy you want to drunk call all your friends, family, ex-bosses, 411, etc.


http://thumb6.webshots.net/s/thumb2/7/52/80/144775280PzGeDf_th.jpg

The picture above is from a really great set of photos of people practicing led second series at AYRI Mysore. Here is bharadvajrasana.

This picture of ardha matsyendrasana is of Bill of
absolutelyashtanga.com.