Thinking

So here was the plan. Feeling inspired, refreshed, and motivated to come back from India and hit the ground running I thought to myself, "there are so many things in New York that I have not experienced, done, etc." So, I would spend my time here living like I meant it. I don't know how long I will be living in this city and I really want to feel like I squeezed everything I could out of it.

But now that I am here, I've realized (or was rudely reminded) how much the money in your pocket influences what you are able to do in a day. New York is so expensive and I refuse to get a job that sustains me at a higher income level. So what can I do?

I've come back as the new me and have had to live the life of the old me. It is sometimes comfortable to walk the paths old me has already paved, but more and more I feel like I look like someones long lost daughter and they are making me wear all her clothes.

I didn't know it would be like this.

I had health issues, nothing major, but to determine the causes, I avoided stressful situations, jobs, and work loads, I slowly reduced my diet to vegan and macrobiotic, I developed a regular schedule that kept everything sattvic.

And now its tamasic.

I want to delete everything around me because I can't point out what is driving me crazy. Is it the weather? New York? My job? My schedule? My apartment? My belongings? My diet? My thoughts? The way I look? My family? My friends? My significant other? My finances? My practice? Is it me?

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was not "let's practice", but "I want breakfast". So I ate. And now I'm debating whether to go to a class, practice at home or call today a rest day because I intend to go to a friend's class tomorrow.

99%practice 1% theory

I am waiting

I go through my day and I have these little bursts of thoughts, ideas, collections of stories that I think I'm going to sit and write about. And then I sit and like a vivid, violent dream, I forget them all.

I feel like I'm waiting for something.

Practice was soothing today. My wrists are getting testy. I think its partly due to the colder NY weather. I feel like I fall asleep for days at a time and then all of a sudden I wake up. It happened in practice. I kept going in, going in, going in. The thinking mind, going in, following the thoughts, going in, going in, going in. And then all of a sudden I was in a forward bend and realized that I could slide forward a few inches. Something released and my spine shot forward, my chest broadened, my shoulders relaxed.

Now what?

Recently viewed: David Lynch's "Inland Empire". I'm not sure I needed the extra stress that this film brings the viewer, but hey, that's the price you pay for needing to know.

You just have to show up!

I remember going days without talking at all to my mysore teacher. Days. We just didn't need to say anything.

In Mysore, there are a few phrases that are on constant repeat. The first time you hear them, you laugh. The second time you hear them you think "wait a second!" Every time you hear them after that you laugh.

Right now I've got Sharath saying "don't be lazy" and John saying "you just have to show up". And I'm trying to show up. I really am.

I'm learning so much from home practice right now, and its not new poses or new things I didn't know I could do. Instead, I'm learning about motivation, procrastination, giving up, believing in yourself, not trying, and tricking myself into practice.

yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Then the seer can abide in its own true nature.

Post-Thanksgiving Consumer Stress

I found myself bleary-eyed and bundled up waiting in a line winding behind a building at 4:30am. This time, however, I wasn't waiting for a spot in the Shala. Instead, I was there to battle hundreds of other bargain hunters with dreams of $300 laptops dancing in their heads. The doors opened at 5am, and complete chaos ensued in a very real way.

I didn't get a computer.

I'm still digesting my holiday meal. I'm not sure if it was the stress, missing yoga for two days, or the amount of cheese this poor complete-vegan-until-recently endured. I think that I am ready to admit that I do not particularly enjoy the holidays all the time. I think this is growing up.

The small pleasures

Being on time.

Being relaxed when you know you're going to be late.

Watching a student try really hard and being inspired.

A ripe avocado.

Waking up feeling rested.

A really good, satisfying deuce.

Practice.

My favorite song.

A lot of my time right now is going into the livingmysore.com project. Its a bit stressful getting all the wording right and making sure the intention is clear, etc. I'm finding pockets of time for practice. I was very proud of myself for turning down a sub teaching opportunity because it would have interfered with my practice schedule. Part of my things to do before I die list is to learn how to say "no". Another part of my list is to really follow through with something I believe in...

Right now I believe that I can stand in line at 3am Friday morning to get a deeply discounted laptop. Now I have never done anything like that, but another part of my list is to try everything once! ...Elbows ready!

Recently viewed: The Fountain. Verdict: I liked it. Very interesting, visually.

Recently ate: Greek Yogurt. Verdict: Why have I never heard of this before? Wow!

Back on the mat

I admit, this week was hard on my asana practice. I taught too much, the balance was off, and today was the only day I could get a "full" practice in. I've got to learn to say "no" in a very serious way. I guess I haven't seen quite enough Oprah yet.

I feel so much better today. As hard as it was to roll out that mat and get started, I feel amazing.

Someone said that someone said that they thought they experienced the spiritual through their body. Funny that we need to be reminded. Funny how I never feel more alive than when I see my own blood or feel physical pain. If I experience life through my body, what is happiness? Is it body first and then mind or the other way around or does it vary? What happens when my body is exposed to cold? To heat? I read recently that the body takes 20 minutes to get out of the "flight or fight" instinct. Tonight I'm teaching a restorative yoga class. Subbing the class. I wonder what is really happening.

RECENTLY LISTENED TO: Matt McCluer & Kathryn Jensen / She's a Revolution

RECENTLY VIEWED: 24 Hour Party People

RECENTLY GRIPED: See how much your bank really charges for foreign transactions. Each India atm withdrawal cost me about $10 plus $5 from my bank. Seriously.

5am

Its very different waking before the sun to teach rather than practice. That early, I'm thinking only about myself and my own silly little needs. I think of how uncomfortable I am and how, well, everything makes me feel fragile when compared to being tucked into my cozy loft bed until sleeping has exhausted me. This has been the new routine. Wake up, teach, sleep, practice, eat. with slight variations. This week has been teach, teach, teach. Some days and even weeks are like that.

Sipping my tea I watched my favorite student practice. He's older, and slimy from sweat. He's very stiff and hasn't quite figured out how to finesse the ujjayi, but he is amazing. He comes in every day and does his practice. He tries so hard, despite his physical limitations. He shows up and he tries. Whenever I see him practice, it makes me smile.

After the morning class, I get back on the train to head home to sleep. I look around at all the grumpy little New Yorkers yawning, sleeping, a whole riff-raff of dirty coats and work boots that always take up two seats. I am wedged between two oversized jackets and I manage to swallow down the panic just long enough to notice that the guy next to me is breathing. I can see his coat slowly rising and falling and I notice that without knowing it or attempting to do so, I have matched his breathing pattern with my own. This completely throws me off, of course, and so I purposefully change my breathing pattern and continue reading my library book.

just be there

you just have to show up, thats all.

john says this every once in a while and it seems to punctuate our conversation in just the right way.

I am avoiding showing up to this practice of daily writing. I'm not sure why. Part of it is that I am afraid of becoming a bad sitcom spin-off. Maybe its the weather. New York after Daylight Savings. Hmmph.

I saw "Darfur Now". I've read a few books. I'm teaching regularly and just taught a workshop. I'm practicing every day. I'm eating tasty food. I'm doing so much but I feel like I am paralyzed and cannot sit down at all.

But I showed up dinnt I ?