Day Fifteen - Learning to iron (minimalist wardrobe basics)

Not everything is like riding a bike.  How you just get back on and pedal as if years haven't passed.  Today I broke out my long forgotten clothing iron and teeny tiny completely impractical ironing board.  I am embarrassed to admit that I was sending garments to be dry cleaned simply because they were wrinkled.  I didn't want to ruin items by washing them myself.  I thought it would extend the life of each garment and also justified all of the above by telling myself that my time was worth more.  I would spend my clothing maintenance time doing things that brought me joy or earning.  I pretty much ignored the bills.  I recently looked.  About $20 per shirt.

So maybe after all the experimenting it will be worth that amount to send my clothes to dry cleaning. But right now I noticed that I am not actually spending extra time on things that bring joy like I said I would.  And there was a zen flow state to ironing and caring for my clothing...  

For now I am spending my time caring for my wardrobe.  Carefully cleaning and mending and de-dog hairing and steaming and ironing and while I am doing that, thinking.  Just being in my own mind letting my thoughts play out.  Because right now it seems obvious that I need that.

I have had trouble sleeping for some time now. Different reasons every night.  Lately it is good old-fashioned nightmares.  The ones where scenarios from the same day play out again and again in a terrible horror reel of anxiety.  Or I am stuck in high school and don't know where to find my classes and I will definitely get in trouble.  Ridiculous dreams of overwhelm and stress just playing out the things I haven't processed during the day.

So I am going to try ironing.  And trying to blog in the morning instead of again, night.

Day Fourteen - Declutter yoga practice

Ashtanga is simple and specific.  You'd think it would get easier.  Nope.  That would be like having a guitar and expecting it to make its own music.  And actually the more complicated we make it, the harder the practice becomes (and not in a productive way).

When we are in the thick of transformation we can tell it is us that is freaking out and not the practice because the practice is the same.  Peel away the distractions, noise, extra dialogue and instructions and caring at all how it looks. Keep polishing it down to bandha, breathing, vinyasa, asana, drishti and we can tell that we are different.  We are changing.  The practice is simply holding the space.  That's the thing with doing similar forms every day.  Our senses become heightened.

So I remind myself to let it be easy.  To just show up.  Yoga is uncomplicated at the core.

Strip away all the extra well-meaning bullshit.

I'll try to remember to prep tonight for tomorrow:

Clothes and coffee

And I'll try to remember this:

Pick space on floor

Designate space with yoga mat if it makes it easier

Eliminate everything that uses electricity or at least reduce

Connect with breath

Look at nose and maintain 

Think of nothing else but "look at nose"

Stay a little or a lot (insert asana here)

Rest

Get on with day

Each day:  Yoga + 1 = plenty

Day Thirteen - Social media detox observations

You notice that you still twitch and reach for a phone that is not even there (less and less but still happening)

You want to check updates on something, anything for no reason at all (also decreasing and adding something productive to replace the tick such as read book or draw picture or smile at stranger or clean dishes)

You notice how FOMO gradually diminishes and more and more you just enjoy the company of yourself

You feel relieved to not have constant interruption each time someone double clicks your photo notification after notification flight deals discounts something available someone just posted something latest news you should do this now are you aware of this other thing so much of everything all the time scandal scandal scandal that when your friend reaches out you are already a code red

You don't know what to do with yourself actually -- in moments of intensity, silence, waiting, pause -- and that starts to become interesting

You crave deep silence and so much of our surroundings seem too loud and kind of annoying and so obviously marketing

You realize how much you complained and gossiped and didn't even know you were and now whenever you say anything even vaguely negative about anything you are intensely aware of it

The same goes for the opposite.  Manic highs are exhausting.  You decide you'd rather be respected than liked.

You notice that you are actually reading and saying "hi" to neighbors and looking people in the eye

You are completing projects and learning to articulate your feelings and exploring this idea of boundaries and what you actually need to feel in balance each day

You are realizing that you too are a human and just like everyone else, you too are entitled to your own spectrum of feelings and viewpoints and boundaries and tastes and priorities.  

You start taking everything a whole lot less personally when it isn't personal and save the fire for things that actually do need that warrior spirit

You are less reactive

In fact, you seem to notice how high strung so much of our lives are and how unnecessary it is

You notice how many books and articles you actually read now and remember what you just read instead of needing to read a passage multiple times in order to retain any information

You start to notice everyone else more or maybe just in a different way

You start to feel that there is more and more time for everything in life but first you desperately need to heal

Day Twelve - Spiritual decluttering

Confession:

This morning I was dreading getting on my mat.
Absolutely dreading.

It seemed so daunting so hard so long.  A marathon.  Some days are like this.  This is why I try not to ask myself how I feel in the morning.  And I avoid giving others the opportunity to do so as well.  Because the answer is usually about the same (unless the coffee has kicked in) - definitely somewhere on the grim spectrum. So I stop thinking and I just do (this is the automatic like brushing teeth part).  And with each breath I forget that I have an option to walk away.  I am just in it.  And sometimes that feeling of dread passes as my entire being realizes there is nothing to dread at all.  Other times I can tell that I just didn't look hard enough because it is there buried deep down when I go looking.  And maybe it always will be.

Yesterday I did an old school 1993 led intermediate class.  With the sun shining and the birds singing and the steady "ekam... dve" for a lingering moment it felt like a Sunday led intermediate in India.  My attention was completely held in keeping pace with the count and keeping my breathing steady (what you mean the method actually works?) and the result was a complete lack of drama and such a nice little contrast to today.

Imagine someone hands you a cute little kitten.  And then another.  And another.  And so many kittens that the kittens are falling from your arms and scratching at your torso and jumping to the ground and you're scrambling to keep them all together for I don't know maybe an hour and forty five minutes.  Or maybe pretend that you're running in water and everyone is laughing at you.

I think I sounded like I was in pain.  Breathing loud and forced and obvious to any innocent bystander that I was not relaxed.  Intermediate plus third marathon.  So mental.  Hits me in some place from every possible angle and like some sort of surreal nightmare every thought and emotion and memory seems to be held in front of me and playing out like some sort of spiritual kon mari session from hell. And I am trying not to cry and I am trying to think of looking at nose squeezing anus steady breathing 5 breaths and then boom confusing childhood memory full of anxiety and stress and boom that thing someone said last week and boom how will this other thing play out tomorrow and boom boom boom they keep coming and I'm sniffling and its just yoga chill out.

This is what it is supposed to do.  Get to edge, work on self, enjoy benefit.  Rinse.  Repeat.  But wow.

Maybe because I am so raw after a practice like that (which is often where I am at at the moment) and I have just dropped into a flow state I feel like I can write.  Something breaks open and things just want to be expressed.  Creativity.  Love.  Sharing.  Calmness.  Drifting on the river.

Again, I sat down this afternoon to write and it was rough.  And I thought about the concept of flow state and wondered "when do I feel this outside of yoga"?  A long solo walk or hike.  Music for hours.  Reading for hours.  Cleaning.  So I did chores.  (For whatever reason calling cleaning/personal care activities "chores" makes them easier to do.  Finish your chores before watching TV, going out, seeing your friends, etc.) So I do the chores and wouldn't you know it: flow state and writing and trying to think what I can do now to have an easier go of it tomorrow.

Good food
Nourishing things/activities
Set clothes out
Set out coffee
Go to bed at decent hour
No screens an hour before bed
Imagine what it is like in the morning for the sweet baby me and do anything else that would be loving

Because the karmas will come no matter what we do.  And we want them to come.  We want to work through them.  We want to run toward the pain. The thoughts will come.  The vrittis will come.  The shenpa will come.  We want to be ready.

Day Eleven - Books

Tired. End of day posts are something to get used to I suppose.  Or just stop doing.

I'll keep it simple.  Books.  Current reads and past reads that I have on my mind.

Astanga Yoga Anusthana

Everything That Remains

Hatha Yoga Pradipika

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

The More of Less

No Impact Man

Wabi Sabi Welcome

Yoga Sutras

And reading -- the fact that I love doing it, believe it is very important, and am finally making the time.  And slowly, painfully, the muscle is coming back.  

Yesterday I was waiting for someone and in the stillness, the purgatory, the lengthy pause in the flow of life we call "waiting", the opportunity to simply exist in time observing and absorbing and processing and just relaxing the brain if we wanted to was presented and I of course almost immediately reached for my phone.  A knee-jerk, completely unconscious action.  My body received a signal and reacted with what it has been trained to do - get phone.  And my phone was purposefully hidden and turned off way beyond my reach.  And I could feel myself getting angry (even though I was the one who placed it at a distance and turned it off). And I thought for a second - ok what about a book?  If you need something to do so badly, why not grab that book?  I think that might be progress.

Day Ten - Shopping

I should start by saying "thank you" to everyone who has reached out with gratitude and encouragement.  The anus squeezing, in particular, seemed to bring value.

Right now I'm just really curious.  I am asking questions and experimenting.

1.  Can I try to only grocery shop on Saturdays? 

You'd probably call me a picky eater.  I totally accept that.  So I told myself if I ran out of something that I needed that I would go to the store before Saturday.  Also, would it be different if I wrote a list out on a piece of scrap paper instead of on my phone?  I started this experiment sometime in May.  And I have been keeping track of spending this month as well.

So pulling transactions, here are the food shopping results:
May 2 Thursday
May 3 Friday
May 4 Saturday
May 7 Tuesday
May 10 Friday -- this is probably when I started with the "just Saturdays"
May 11 Saturday
May 18 Saturday
May 25 Saturday

I've noticed that I start panicking when the supply of something gets low.  But how will I get through my day without that food item????  I reassure myself that I can always go to the store to buy it.  Then I write it on the scrap paper list.  And then somehow I forget about it and each day goes by and it is fine and then boom it is Saturday again.

As I started this habit something else happened.  I realized that I did not enjoy always going to the store.  It felt like this constant nag and drudgery.  Always having to go to the store.  It felt like all I ever did.  And so when I noticed the paper towels were low I put them on the scrap paper list.  And when I drove by the store (not on a Saturday) I could feel a pang of not wanting to go there and so I told myself it was ok we could go tomorrow.  And somehow I didn't run out of paper towels by the next day and I didn't feel like going to the store (there were other things that I wanted to do) and so I would keep putting it off until Saturday.  Saturday would arrive and I would go to the growers market and there weren't paper towels there and so I would say "ok I'll go after the growers market" but then being outside felt so nice and there were other things I wanted to do besides shop and so I would put it off.

It has been three or more weeks and somehow I still have paper towels.  I have no idea what I am doing differently.  Was I sleep-tearing paper towels off the roll before?  Was I taking extravagant paper towel baths?  Or maybe just mindlessly tearing off one sheet at a time and dropping it in the garbage?

2.  Clothing. 

I am fascinated with capsule wardrobes.  I always have been.  I remember as a teenager reading articles about rock stars and how they just had their favorite t-shirt and jeans or leathers and boots and that's all they wore.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE costuming and beautiful things and artisan whatever and creativity.  Absolutely love. But I do get really frustrated with cheaply made items that don't fit well or scratch or don't seem to match anything else or are covered with plastic made in horrible facilities by people who don't really have any other choices.  (But don't worry they have AC they aren't even sweating.)

As I started to notice my food/housing purchases shifting, I started to ask the same questions about clothing.  I had a note on my phone.  It was a never-ending stream of consciousness list of things I needed to get.  Food, clothing, doctor appointments, etc.

I deleted it.

And then I got dressed.  And somehow I magically had everything I needed.

I was subscribing to a clothing rental box.  It was really great in that I always had new clothes, I did not need to maintain them, I'd just wear them and send them back.  This was the first step in my cutting down on shopping.  I had the thrill of always having something new and it was a fixed cost.  But making the time to send the boxes back was time I'd never get back.  And the time picking out what I'd be getting in the next box.  And all the times I lost the return bag and had to find a new one.  And all the boxes and papers that came with each shipment.  I could imagine a pile of the boxes somewhere on this planet that we share.  The pile growing larger and larger.  Filling my house, my neighbor's house, the whole street.

I deleted my account.

And I freaked out.  What will I wear to work each day?  And I told myself that it was ok -- if I needed something I would just go buy it.  And somehow I would get through that day and then I'd panic and then I'd tell myself it was ok just write it on the scrap paper list and somehow I'd get through that day as well telling myself I would buy whatever on Saturday.

And something happened.  I haven't bought anything.  Somehow I have all the clothes I need.  For now at least.  Everything fits.  I can clean and repair items myself.

I have everything I need.

Again, I started this experiment about mid-May.  Here is what my clothing shopping history has been like:
March 7
March 11
March 13
March 14
March 17
April 4
April 7
April 8
April 9
April 14
April 18
May 3
May 6
Basically, I had been shopping for clothing at least once per week.  It has been about 3 weeks since my last purchase.

I'm focused on just doing one project at a time right now.  Completing that.  Then the next.  Running toward quality and consistency and away from overwhelm.  But when I complete my 30 days of writing, what about maybe project 333?  Anyone with me?

I've noticed that I have a tick.  There's a surge and I want to pick up my phone.  I want to write something on the list.  Go shopping.  Text.  Check useless apps.  Pick at my skin or hair.  Check email check email check email.  Scrollllllll.  Collect things on wish lists.  Anything.  So I cut off the shopping outlet.  And I am keeping a food diary so I cut off the eating outlet.  And I am fully turning off my phone so I cut that out.  And Game of Thrones is over so I cut out streaming (watching the entire series just once takes 3 days, how many times have I rewatched???). And so I am more and more analog all the time. And the surges, the ticks still come.  And I read a book.  Go to the library.  Paint.  Draw.  Write.  Take care of the objects I still have.  Let my mind have a break.  (Which actually it isn't even there yet.  It is still panicking and anxious about something beyond shopping.  And I'm trying to sit with that and let it just happen.)  

And something else is happening.

3.  My spending habits have significantly changed.  

Ever since I started to slow down and pay attention, this month alone (really just a few weeks) I have spent almost half of what I spent last month.  This absolutely shocks me.

I am not trying to be frugal.  I just don't want to be just a consumer.  It feels gross to have so many things that the things that I don't use frequently just take up space and aren't maintained and lose value and become crap.  It just feels so wasteful.  I want to spend my time doing things other than shopping and maintaining my museum of stuff.  I want the time to figure out what that thing is that I want to do.  And of course I want the funds to support the causes, do the things, and purchase the items that really do bring value to my life.

4.  My diet/exercise/body has changed.

I'm avoiding social media, media at all so I don't really have anything that I am subconsciously comparing myself to.  I'm working with a doctor on my nutrition so I'm eating very clean and local and nourishing and I'm keeping a food diary so that's a good constant too.  And I'm only doing my daily yoga practice -- that's it.  And I'm listening for when my body is sending me signals and trying to respond accordingly.  Body are you hungry? Full? Tired? Scared? etc.  Body you don't have to push through and go numb.  Body I will take care of you.  And the inflammation is going away.  And the number on the scale is much more consistent.  And all my clothes fit better.  And then I don't feel a need to go buy more clothes.  And the serpent eats its tail.

Day Nine - Ashtanga yoga is minimalist

Yoga is hard for me to write about.  Immediately I start to wander into the weeds.  Imposter syndrome.  Include everyone and over explain everything. Don't want to offend anyone or say the wrong thing. But the truth is that yoga is uncomplicated.

Yoga is the non-identification with the thought fluctuations of the mind.  Basically just realizing that our thoughts aren't us and operating from that place.  So it is not circus bending or sweating but what we do in our day-to-day lives.  It is a quality we bring to everything.

For some of us, we like to workshop that through putting our bodies in crazy places and then training ourselves to concentrate and relax.  It gets the organs and body healthy as well.  Because we have bodies and life is easier without bubble guts. And there is this sweet spot where the energy is just flowing and it feels like "ah this is what the body is for."  Or whatever.  Just magic.  That's the on the mat asana part.  And even that's minimalist.

Directions on how to yoga
1. Make body shape
2.  Squeeze anus
3.  Look at nose
4.  Do nothing else but 2 and 3 for 5 inhales and 5 exhales
5. Move out of body shape using breath
6. Move into next body shape using breath
7.  Maintain anus squeeze
8. Maintain nose looking
9.  Repeat
10.  Extra credit -- practice with happy

All this goes away
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day
tiredness or agitation
stiffness

Do for 30 days.  First week will be hard.  By fourth week no turning back.  I know this because I have had plenty of time to experiment.  Seems so simple.  It is.  But I've lost it.  I've become cluttered and distracted. But I am back on week one of basic (all-you-need-extremely-powerful instruction) and the magic is coming back.

This is a reminder to myself. Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
Squeeze anus and look at nose.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
We are all magic.
The end.

Day Eight - Getting through it

I first started blogging in 2007.  I was about to leave for my first trip to India.  How it used to go when backpacking was that you had to find a payphone and you'd call your mom and you'd rack up hundreds of dollars in phone bills.  Or you'd write letters and postcards to loved ones whose addresses you kept tucked into a notebook somewhere in your pack.  By then everyone - or at least most people - had an email address.  And you had to search a little but you could find internet cafes and you'd pay too much and you'd write an email to each person.  Until you found out about group emails.  Then you did that.  That was the plan.  And I was about to leave for India and my friend said "hey, you should do a blog."

Here we are again.  I'm not leaving for India tomorrow. Or anywhere.  

The opposite, actually.

I am staying in.

And here is the update:

Each minute that I write this I get more and more tired.  Not the I had the best day of my life fall asleep hugging my pillow with a smile on my face kind of tired.  Its the I just want a bag of chips and to binge watch ANYTHING kind of tired. There has got to be a better way.  

Note to self -- write in morning.

The tiredness seeps in and takes over.

Day Seven - Signs and symptoms of needing an overhaul/intervention/fresh start/whatever

I was trained to be responsible.  Even if inside I didn't want more responsibility I did want to know that I was doing the right thing.  More responsibility must then be good, right?  Do more.  Be more.

If you ever dared to ask if I was burned out or if I needed help or if I perhaps took on too much or if I maybe needed a vacation or a rest --  I apologize.  Because you deeply insulted me without knowing it.  I know how I most likely reacted and how I probably still will.  At least for a while.  Because that training is really deeply rooted in there.  Can't show weakness or need help.  Can't say no.  It would be too embarrassing and humiliating and a sign of failure.  And asking me to take on responsibility, telling me "good job" or "she has it handled" or we "never worry about her" was the greatest compliment and heaviest burden.

My happiest moments were at 17 backpacking with only the clothes on my body and a jansport school bag.  At 20 walking 15 miles a day across Spain with only the absolute essentials of survival.  India.  Even when it was horrible and hard and miles and miles beyond my comfort zone.

I realize that's an extreme and I don't want to live in an extreme way.  Not at all.  And I don't want to escape.  I want 100% engagement and nutrition and balance in the world not on the fringes of the world as a hermit.  I didn't realize the responsibility habit/behavior/thought pattern/burden until recently.  Until I stopped everything and started to do less and started to listen to my inside world and prioritizing observing.  The outside signs have been there all along.

outside signs of too much/too many/too often:
being in the red in any part of life
stress
anxiety
overwhelm
dust on anything
rushing
pressure
tiredness
exhaustion
dissatisfaction
needing more
not sleeping
bad digestion
bloating
decision fatigue
fomo

And now I am beginning to see secret clutter places.  Each is a constant teeny torture tug on my mind.

secret clutter places:
people
social media handles/websites/profiles
"friends" or "connections" on social media
phone contacts
apps on phone
office supplies
electrical chords
information captured by websites
search histories
books
articles
bookmarks on browser
to-do list
ideas
should's
guilt
anger
hurt
newsletter subscriptions to email
unanswered email
photos
text messages
calls
obligations
owing someone emotional debt/baggage
sense of responsibility for others or things
all the things I can't maintain or don't maintain but am supposed to have
glass recycling
dying plants
doctor visits/process overwhelm
gifts or inherited items that don't bring me joy
free things with a story
junk mail
unseen drawer storage
cds and external hard drives
music I don't care for
things I might need "just in case"
asana

Yes, asana.  Really, if I am losing the integrity of the practice, I need to to less.  In life or on the mat I need to do less.

signs in practice
clenching teeth
loss of vinyasa
clenching at joints
shortness of breath
shakiness
drishti is everywhere
bandha is nonexistent
soreness after practice and into the next day

I think this is the part where I decide what I want to include. They say yoga +1 each day.  They say write down the 10 most important things, cross out the bottom 5.  Nothing exists until the top 5 are done.  Each exhale we die, each inhale we are born.  A little bit all the time.  Slowly slowly, you take.  Each day a fresh start.

Day Six - Minimalism & Money

It is about being intentional.
Laser focused.
Highly saturated.
Streamlined and efficient.
No excess.

It happened quickly.
The space around me was finally in homeostasis.
Suddenly, the spirit of minimalism went inside.
And it is not about less or deprivation.
It is about living a highly curated life.
Feeling 100% on everything.
And I wasn't.  I was partially asleep on everything.
Just the process of observing increased the feeling of being in tune with each moment, action, thought.  That feeling is addicting and gives energy and leads to good things so we are keeping that.

So anyway, here's what I did.  And it is working.
I figure it is always the same -- it should be simple.

Observation Phase
Basically knew I needed to keep a money diary
First tried a note on my phone - didn't maintain it
Tried a few different apps, found one that I liked
Tracked exact spending and just watched my behavior and patterns without changing anything
Got exact retirement savings numbers, exact HSA, exact investments, etc.
Just observed.

What I saw
My financial picture wasn't functioning logically
I was spending on things I didn't use or actually enjoy (not always but enough)
Impulse purchases/not intentional purchases
Money not earning money

Experimenting
I asked - can I cut expenses?
Can I try not to buy for a day and extend the time of no spend days?
Can I pause and then delete autopays that I no longer enjoy or need? (Strangely embarrassing to do)
Can I set a grocery day and only shop on that day?
Can I bring my own food?
Can I carry a thermos for water/tea?
What if I physically write down shopping lists on scrap paper instead of using my phone?
Can I designate a budget?
What if I keep a food diary along with this?

More questions
Can I get extra cash to work?
Can I save more?
Can I max retirement contributions/get match?
Question expenses -- do I really need to do that that way?
Can I DIY?
Can I trade, recycle, reuse, borrow?
What do I value?
Do I have a gift card I can use for that?
Can I create a capsule wardrobe from my closet?
Can I do that myself instead of paying someone to do it?
Are there free activities that I can do that are equally as fun?

What happened
Created financial goals
More intentional/conscientious about money
Paying attention in the day-to-day
Unleashing creativity- food, work, activities, painting, writing
Happier
Calmer
Steadiness of mind
Gravitating toward people with similar values

Unexpected side effect -- new habit created on its own
Instead of scrolling social media I go on my budget app and update transactions
Financial fomo replaced social media fomo

Day Five - The minimalist decision tree

Day five on this little 30 day writing challenge that I have imposed on myself is the hardest so far.

Ok, just show up. Ok.

I don't know what to write.  I am tired.  I never fully woke up today.  I am moody and irritable.  Can't form complete thoughts.  I quit spanish class.  No connection with the divine creative magic of art and beauty.   Frustrated.  Just me in I give up clothes embarrassed to be completely honest about my secret clutter places.  

Did you know your phone tracks your screen time?  Apparently I was on my phone for 19 hours in the last 7 days.  I immediately explained this away to music.   That makes sense.  I was listening to music in the background, right? I have been extremely frugal with messaging and have deleted most apps and have detoxed social media- finally.  Must be the music.  Don't worry, your phone lists how those 19 hours of life you will never get back were spent.  My music playing was only about an hour and a half of that.  The majority of the 19 hours were spent on non-specific internet usage.  Don't worry, I was just on the internet for the equivalent of a part-time job.  Doing what -- I have no idea.  

This is crazy.

Today I deleted all the bookmarks I had saved on my internet browser.  Was I really going to go back and visit each of those sites?  For what?  Is that how I want to spend my time? I recycled the pile of articles sitting on the table.  Both just monuments to why don't you make more time to read?  What's wrong with you? I thought you were serious about this?  For some reason my habit is to collect all related items to a thing in order to learn it. Even if I never get to reading the articles. What's funny is how the world felt like it would end when I picked up the papers to recycle them and when I went to hit delete.  How quickly my brain attached importance to something that didn't exist seconds before and that I forgot soon after.  How my brain associated things with knowledge and ability and actualization.

I think that is part of what this practice is about.  Start on the outside -- the objects, the self care, the relationships, slowly move into the more subtle, into the mind.  Observe my own thoughts.  Observe my habits, patterns, reactions, behaviors.  Unlcutter, clarity.  Becoming attuned to what matters and operating from a razor-sharp bullshit meter.

It is about complete, uncomfortable, terrible, awkward, sweet, wonderful honesty.  

Behold -- results from present research as a reminder to myself when I don't know how to proceed that I am implementing posthaste:

The minimalist decision tree

1. Does it feel good?

      2.  No
           3. Is it necessary?

                4. If Yes --> Only in small doses
                4. If No --> Don't do it/buy it/keep it/think it

      2.  Yes
           3. Is it depleting, neutral, or energizing?

                4. Focus on energizing and neutral, minimize depleting
 
Goodnight and good luck.

Day Four - It is easy

The place I want to be, the place that I crave is sweet and kind and clean. It is generous and bountiful and gentle and so low impact it’s barely a whisper. It’s the air on a dewy Sunday morning.  It is uncomplicated, simple. It is a source of energy and inspiration and continuous light.

I won’t dwell on whether I’ve ever been there or the places I’ve been or where I’m coming from. Not today at least. In this moment I wonder what it’s like to instead focus on how that feeling of infinite goodness and purity and light is within us all.  What if we identify with that instead of the early am eye crust? What if we can delight in the wabi sabi of it all and not change a thing?

No adding. No taking away. Just increasing the pause. Maybe this is how time gets bigger. Maybe it just needs space to expand like a smile. The muscles move and rise, releasing dopamine at their peak and then the process begins again. Waves pulling back and then crashing on the shore. Seasons changing. Seeds sprouting, growing, and dying.

I woke up and immediately was disoriented and my mind’s idea of coordinates was a to-do list. Every fun pleasurable beautiful option for the day and for the week rattling off and my being cringed. I don’t need to get rid of things maybe or stop acquiring things maybe. Trace it back to the source. Hold the electronic device and fumble for the electrical chord and trace it back through tangles and furniture and false connections to the source. Find where it’s plugged in. My thoughts. So don’t move for a moment or a few and don’t talk for a moment or a few and just notice the thoughts. The emergency in my head is something my mind is breathing existence into and I can stop at any time.

I settle in and write. And I walk someone else through a basic yoga practice and I forget what time it is. Just inhale your arms up, exhale your arms down. Breathe five times. I want to hold onto this during my yoga practice. I want it to be like this without having to fly across the planet to the main shala in India. I want it to be in me and in others so I don’t have to hold the space. I want it to be at the office and the grocery store and at awkward chance meetings with ex’s and family holidays.

And it’s funny how it is right here. That feeling is right now.  Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Rest in your true nature. This is how we live now, ok. Keep the light switch on.

Day Three - Effort toward steadiness of mind

Here's how my mind works - maybe yours too.  Searching.

I woke up and it was searching.  Opened my computer to write but nothing on the brain side of my eyes.  Eyes searching.  I stared at the piles of books I borrowed from the library.  Not interested.  Searching.  I pick up my phone and stare at nothing.  Searching.  Wait for the coffee to hit, wait for the sleep to wear off.  Wait for something inside to point me in a direction.  The inner voice.  Wait for something outside to catch and hold my attention.  Give me a sense of purpose.  Give me something to do.  Instinct tells me that that moment of alignment is what I am searching for.  Relief will come then.

There's another conversation happening now.  This is new.  The observing this process instead of just letting it play out is new. The other conversation in my head says that this observing the mind searching is the process.  Embrace it.  I wonder if the searching outward is a searchlight.  So I stop my eyes roving and just stare at the roses in the vase on the table.  I just stare and it creates a tunnel that becomes a loop and the searching turns into something else.  The searching hits the roses and then bounces back to behind my eyes.  And the searching goes inside.  And then I'm writing.  Day three I am writing.

I'm pretty sure what just happened is basic yoga and meditation stuff.  In fact, I know it is. So simple and elementary that I should be doing it naturally by now, right?  Should be an established healthy habit by now, right?  I look out at everyone else and to me that's them.  All of the good suggestions and best practices have become their healthy habits.  Their gardens just grow.  They don't need to water them or add compost or prune a thing.  They just enjoy them and get on with the day.  That's how it feels.  And so then it feels like I am broken.  All the things work on everyone but me.  That thought pattern is the evil older sister living in my head (that's what I call it).  But I told myself that we are writing about other things now.  That creativity can come from other things than suffering.  But that honesty, honesty about suffering and struggle is where we understand that we are all the same.  And the gathering of attention and effort toward steadiness of mind is yoga.  That is practice.

I don't know if this is what everyone does at this number of years of practice or at this series/pose of ashtanga yoga or at this age or at this season.  Maybe it is.  I am waking up in a new way.  It feels necessary and automatic.  At first confusing but now addictive.  I just want clarity and truth.  I can tell now that the thing I crave most is more time and that it gets lost in the little things when I am not paying attention.

On Thursday I canceled my carwash membership.  I realized that I hadn't gotten my car washed in at least three months (and I don't even want a car).  I realized that was x amount of dollars.  I realized that my time at the office was on average x amount per hour.  I realized that I just flushed x hours down the toilet.  I realized those are hours I will never get back.  Hours that could have been spent with family, friends, on the side of a mountain, sleeping, a million other ways on things that I want to do more of.  I realized how inefficient my behavior and choices were and how that matters because time matters and it is so limited.

I realized that part of the stress and anxiety and panic I was/am feeling is that there are a limited number of hours in a day, an infinite amount of things I would like to/need to do, and this body is human.  I realized that I needed to figure that out. So simple but everything.

Ok so no more sleep walking or wasting time and energy.  Here is what I have been doing:

-do not disturb on phone during certain hours
-delete every possible app
-unsubscribe from all email newsletters
-delete all autopays
-delete to-do list
-delete calendar items
-designate a grocery day and try to only buy on that day
-use reusable bags
-eat at home
-set phone to silent and remove all notifications
-time block email social media and text time
-remove social media
-stop buying for a day at a time
-what can I repair? clean? diy?
-what can I sell and donate?
-gather all like items and use those first.  I have toothpaste for days.
-Kon Mari life
-what can I do less of?
-what can I not buy?
-what can I turn off?
-what is making me cringe?  See about removing and stopping those things.
-stop pop ups
-Stop talking

First minimize, then stop distractions so we can do and think more.  I don't want to feel deprived, I want to feel completely saturated in the sweetness of life.

Day Two - Neti Neti (not this, not this)

It had gotten to the point where I could not make any decisions and the ones that I did make just felt like I was going along with whatever.  A few years ago a friend was talking me through some decision (I think it was about my early morning yoga practice) and he asked "does it bring you joy?"  I couldn't answer.  I was so numb and so buried under so much that I didn't even know what that meant anymore.  Or if I ever did.  I could identify pleasure, pain, the manic highs and the depressed lows.  Not joy.  Not actual happiness or contentment.  The kind where we aren't just grateful for what we have but where there is alignment between head and heart and inside and outside.  That kind.

I felt like if I just did this other thing, if I just had a little more time in the day I could add this other other thing and then everything would be complete and alright.  Everything would calm down.  I was running so fast and so hard and so hurried that things kept happening like falling in the shower and tearing all of my serratus muscles, like splitting a tooth in half, like traveling and coming back more drained than before, like health scares, like doing things that should energize but because my mind was on everything I couldn't pick up any nutrients.  From anything. And there wasn't enough time in the day for my mind to process (insomnia) or my body to process (chronic inflammation) or my spirit to process (seriously, an energy healer found other spirits in there -- that's another story). Constant state of panic and stress and overwhelm.

October of last year I knew it was time for big changes.  I started with food.  A cleanse.  Decisions and personal policies and trying new things and boundaries.  And then in January 2019 something clicked and the process accelerated on its own.  I started to notice homeostasis for seconds here and there and I started to crave it.  It was becoming easier and easier to leave things because they made me feel bad and I was starting to feel good.  Simple but everything.

Today I ran through my credit card and bank statements.  Any last auto-pays that I can delete? Do I need additional iCloud storage?  Do I need wifi at my house?  Do I absolutely need to buy eggs before tomorrow?  What's funny is how hard it is to remove myself from email subscriptions. I might miss a deal!  I might offend the person sending it - even if it is a massive corporation.  Or how hard it was to put an indefinite away message on my personal email alerting senders that I am not tethered to technology.  Or how hard it is to communicate with family and friends that I love them so much but just can't be available all of the time.  How I need to create more and more white space.  How that deafening silence at first freaks me out but then gives me the greatest sense of calm.  How the more I can exist there, the more the answers and the energy and the creativity just arrive.  They arrive so loudly that all I have to do is give them the space to happen.  

Day One - Getting out of the weeds

You just have to show up.  That's the hardest thing.  Just show up each day for a month.  If we wait until we have time or feel like it, we may never do it.  It may never become a habit.  You just have to show up each day no matter what.

That's what I tell new yoga students.  They look at me like I'm crazy.  "That's it, really?"  That's it.  Because if you are anything like me at all then most days you are not going to feel like it.  Most days you will want to keep sleeping or feel pulled toward an obligation or this is sore or you feel too sluggish or too many things on the to-do list or it is just too nice doing whatever else you are doing. And that is still me after 20 years of attempting to practice yoga.

I had given up on most things. I am ashamed to admit it.  But I think that is the truth.  I think those are the words to describe it.  I was exhausted.  Depleted.  Lost faith.  Lost hope.  I could not find words anymore.  Or understand my own thoughts.  Or sort through the clutter to find anything that felt worth sharing.  I stopped writing.  It just happened on its own.  A hibernation from the inside out.  An avalanche.  I was buried under snow.  It was so cold and I fell asleep.

Years went by.  Here I am.  Still so many of those things.  Still not on the other side.  Not completely.  Some things inch by inch.  Some the same. Some same same but different.  Some gone completely and what a relief.  Still - imposter syndrome.  Still - fear.  So much fear it gets protected by anger. It is  so much part of the landscape, so familiar that it feels like it is me.  I don't even notice it.  Until moments like tic tocs.  I'm in the thick of practice and I can feel absolute rage.  Red hot anger at anything.  But then I notice that there's a feeling inside my ribs and throat.  The feeling is crying.  And I see that it is not anger but deep rooted fear.  The kind where you think you pulled it up and out of the ground.  You think the roots are gone.  But then a year later you see little sprouts of the same plant in the same place. A sweet little baby weed plant of fear.

And yet something else slowly awakening as well.  It started a while ago.  A small sound in the distance that became louder and louder and louder until boom here I am only half forcing myself to just write.  30 days.  Just write for 30 days.  Don't be afraid.  No fearing. No fear, no fun.