On food, broken body, and the learning process

One day good, two days broken. Or at least that is how it feels.

I had this idea to do a cleanse/fast to see the effects it would have on practice. Purely for science. The idea of not eating and/or food restrictions makes my palms sweat, but I thought that it might prove to be an interesting experiment. I talked my good friend, the obsessive faster, into putting together a comprehensive fast/cleanse program complete with food diaries and emergency snacks. As it turns out, some are more ambitious that others and although the structure hasn't yet materialized the motivation has. Tuesday I cut wheat and began eating raw/cleansing diet. Apparently I inspired a trend and three other friends jumped on board to various degrees.

I thought I was waiting to see the breakthrough in practice, because I didn't feel like an Olympic champion at all. My breath was shallow, my throat was parched, my bones and muscles ached. Yesterday I was unbelievably grumpy and aggressive. But then today I realized that maybe all these feelings aren't because cleansing sucks. Maybe they are happening because the cleansing is deepening the affects the practice has on the body. Come to think of it, in practice I was only thinking of practice. There was no residue from the night before. Today I noticed that I was sweating like crazy...I had this feeling that I was moving the bones around, rather than playing with puddy. Like I was rearranging the structure.

All that said, my whole body aches. People in primary or those who first start yoga go through this. They have this huge shift where their personality changes, their attitude toward food and life changes. They want to be cleaner, nicer, healthier people. Their bodies ache, burn, tighten , and transform. They look at more advanced people and think that someday the aching will stop if they could just hold on a little longer. Or maybe that nobody else aches but them. Well, here I am aching. I almost forgot how when I first started yoga, knees-chest-chin and other really basic hatha stuff left me sore for days.

And if there was even an ounce of me that felt I was working toward where I "should" be (last pose in NY--mayurasana), it has disappeared today. I am re-learning everything. Again, Sharath was coaching me through dwi pada. The thing is, my dwi pada is fine compared to some other people who are further along, however, if he sees that you aren't working your edge and that you can go further or do it "properly", he's going to wait for you to do it. I knew this when I got the pose, that it was average work, and was therefore surprised when I got yoganidrasana. If Sharath waits for you to have little breakthroughs before moving you on, this is a breakthrough that he'll wait for because he asked for it twice now and I'm trying but still not delivering.

But in the end, that is what it is about. It is about this learning process. The trying, the sweating, the dedication, the every day, the crying, all of it. So maybe I get my legs just perfect...then what? The interesting stuff happens all around that.

I got the pictures from the led second photographer this weekend. I think he really captured just that. Can you guess which one is me?

New pose: Yoga Nidrasana

In Yoga Nidrasana, you lie down on your back and cross your legs behind your neck while clasping your arms behind your back. The name of the pose translates roughly to "yoga sleep" or some people like to call it "sleeping yogi". It is pretty challenging, but when you get to a place where you can rest into it, yoga nidrasana can be such a relief.

Some days, like yesterday and the days surrounding it for instance, I wonder why we have to do this. (This, of course, happens to follow Sharath's conference talk on Sunday about getting rid of fear and doubt.) I had finished my practice in the main room (all of my finishing--cool down-- postures after back bending take place in the ladies' dressing room) and was weaving my way through the sweaty bodies when I heard/saw this girl Cat yell super loud and shout "fuuuuuuck!" Everyone in the shala stopped mid pose, breath, walking, flying, what have you, to turn and see what happened. It sounded like more than a "release" or an "opening". It sounded like Saraswati had ripped her arm out of the socket. I continued hobbling to the dressing room, rolled out my mat, and reclined as my back (my core, really) radiated electricity to every cell of my body. I couldn't move.

Not long after, Cat threw open the door, sobbing, and trekked up the stairs to the second floor of the dressing room. It's like when you smell vomit, or see someone yawn--I almost started sobbing too. And why not? This entire experience is very strong. Eric just went back to New York. I left everything and everyone. I'm in a totally foreign place. I'm alone. I'm working my body every day to its limits. I have no idea where I'm going. I have dwindling funds. I can't even choose when I practice, what I practice, what I eat. I'm in a whirlwind of change and for once I feel like I don't even have a choice in the matter--I am playing the witness. I'm watching all this stuff unfold and it is all so new and rich that I don't even know how to begin to participate at all.

I slid on my slippers outside and could overhear Cat laughing and chatting with friends by the coconut stand. Guess nothing ripped after all. Guess it was a huge release or something. Wow. Is this normal? Some days I see it all from the outside and I think to myself, "Wow. We are really REALLY crazy."

Everything is sore. The growing pains are back. With the changes in practice come the changes in body. I have this nagging cold feeling like I want to throw up. A few days ago I was feeling something so intense I was shaking. My arms were shaking and I couldn't stop it. I don't know what the feeling was exactly, but it had to do with Eric leaving and it shook me from the core. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. But sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all. It is interesting how much of what is happening in the mind and in the heart directly affects what happens in the body. With ashtanga yoga, the repetition day after day allows one to see these changes as they unfold. If it is that obvious to me, is it that obvious to everyone?

All in all, I'm in good spirits. I don't think I'll be heading back to painting class for a few days though. I don't think I could quite bear going alone right now. Too strong for sure. I got some really great shoes. I found some perfect practice shirts. I'm keeping myself ridiculously occupied. I upgraded my scooter to an Activa. It is bigger, heavier, better. I'm reading The Other Boleyn Girl. It is tedious.

I almost forgot. New post today--yoganidrasana. I wonder if I look as crazy as this guy. For me, it seems that on the days where I just give up, the days where I just say "whatever I'm focusing on my bandha or breath" because I can't even fathom bending are the days when I get a new pose.

Some notes on that: In dwi pada sirsasana (the pose before yoga nidrasana) Sharath told me to jump to a sort of tittibhasana position rather than bhujapidasana. He wasn't specific, but said to not cross my legs. I was jumping into a bhujapidasana-like position and then lowering down to my butt and taking position, but he said to just jump straight. I think it is more like this:

So Sore (the 5:30am pre-teaching and practicing post)

This week I got yoga nidrasana from Russell. I was a bit surprised, actually. I suppose I'm always surprised when I get a new pose.

The other night, I had browsed through my copy of Iyengar's Light on Yoga, and under eka pada sirsasana, the thing that really stands out is his comment on how in this pose you really realize how hard it is to get a leg back behind your head and keep it there. When I saw people doing the pose in the past, they always looked so serene, now I understand that they were concentrating on a lot of different things at once. For instance, you have to get the leg back there, plus you have to find a sweet spot where the leg can rest and not fly off your back. But, you also have to be able to fold and to do any of this, you have to be able to hold your head up.

For someone that reads constantly, I am discovering all the underdeveloped muscles in the back of my neck. It doesn't make sleeping particularly pleasant, but I'm hoping that its going to do wonders for my posture.

Next comes dwi pada sirsasana. Its not the legs behind the head part that is hard, its the lack of strength in my neck. After all the work in eka pada, I've got very little left to give dwi pada. I wonder how long it will take to get stronger? I think the first week the body is like "cool, I can handle this." The second week, it has used all its energy and that is when the real body changes begin.

Yoga nidrasana is great because gravity helps your head to weigh down your legs.

In a rush, off to teach...