New pose: Yoga Nidrasana

In Yoga Nidrasana, you lie down on your back and cross your legs behind your neck while clasping your arms behind your back. The name of the pose translates roughly to "yoga sleep" or some people like to call it "sleeping yogi". It is pretty challenging, but when you get to a place where you can rest into it, yoga nidrasana can be such a relief.

Some days, like yesterday and the days surrounding it for instance, I wonder why we have to do this. (This, of course, happens to follow Sharath's conference talk on Sunday about getting rid of fear and doubt.) I had finished my practice in the main room (all of my finishing--cool down-- postures after back bending take place in the ladies' dressing room) and was weaving my way through the sweaty bodies when I heard/saw this girl Cat yell super loud and shout "fuuuuuuck!" Everyone in the shala stopped mid pose, breath, walking, flying, what have you, to turn and see what happened. It sounded like more than a "release" or an "opening". It sounded like Saraswati had ripped her arm out of the socket. I continued hobbling to the dressing room, rolled out my mat, and reclined as my back (my core, really) radiated electricity to every cell of my body. I couldn't move.

Not long after, Cat threw open the door, sobbing, and trekked up the stairs to the second floor of the dressing room. It's like when you smell vomit, or see someone yawn--I almost started sobbing too. And why not? This entire experience is very strong. Eric just went back to New York. I left everything and everyone. I'm in a totally foreign place. I'm alone. I'm working my body every day to its limits. I have no idea where I'm going. I have dwindling funds. I can't even choose when I practice, what I practice, what I eat. I'm in a whirlwind of change and for once I feel like I don't even have a choice in the matter--I am playing the witness. I'm watching all this stuff unfold and it is all so new and rich that I don't even know how to begin to participate at all.

I slid on my slippers outside and could overhear Cat laughing and chatting with friends by the coconut stand. Guess nothing ripped after all. Guess it was a huge release or something. Wow. Is this normal? Some days I see it all from the outside and I think to myself, "Wow. We are really REALLY crazy."

Everything is sore. The growing pains are back. With the changes in practice come the changes in body. I have this nagging cold feeling like I want to throw up. A few days ago I was feeling something so intense I was shaking. My arms were shaking and I couldn't stop it. I don't know what the feeling was exactly, but it had to do with Eric leaving and it shook me from the core. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. But sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all. It is interesting how much of what is happening in the mind and in the heart directly affects what happens in the body. With ashtanga yoga, the repetition day after day allows one to see these changes as they unfold. If it is that obvious to me, is it that obvious to everyone?

All in all, I'm in good spirits. I don't think I'll be heading back to painting class for a few days though. I don't think I could quite bear going alone right now. Too strong for sure. I got some really great shoes. I found some perfect practice shirts. I'm keeping myself ridiculously occupied. I upgraded my scooter to an Activa. It is bigger, heavier, better. I'm reading The Other Boleyn Girl. It is tedious.

I almost forgot. New post today--yoganidrasana. I wonder if I look as crazy as this guy. For me, it seems that on the days where I just give up, the days where I just say "whatever I'm focusing on my bandha or breath" because I can't even fathom bending are the days when I get a new pose.

Some notes on that: In dwi pada sirsasana (the pose before yoga nidrasana) Sharath told me to jump to a sort of tittibhasana position rather than bhujapidasana. He wasn't specific, but said to not cross my legs. I was jumping into a bhujapidasana-like position and then lowering down to my butt and taking position, but he said to just jump straight. I think it is more like this: