No--seriously, I am in India

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. It could have been the new moon. It could have been "the roots" (my roommates are crazy hippies that constantly promote the wondrous miracle of their special root powder). It could have been the loss of another close friend to the transient nature of Mysore. When I finally got to sleep, my dreams were intense and fiery. I awoke with electricity and snoozed with gusto. I kept asking myself what time I had to be up, at practice, in the shower. Everything felt off. I slept with my eyes open as the hot water beat my back in the shower. Were my eyes open when I brushed my teeth? It was all like a dream. But when I jumped on my scooter and the wind blew the sleepiness off my face, all I could hear was some Bob Marley song from earlier the previous day. "Wow I'm in India!"

Was I in a David Lynch movie? It could have been. Before I had left the house, I was online looking for some human connection, reading emails, and skimming the front page of the New York Times. Packs of wild digs were howling outside like I've never heard before. I was almost scared to go out there. A car horn was letting out a steady honk. The headline reads:

BAILOUT FAILS; STOCKS PLUNGE

After Vote, Dow Closes 777 Points Down

And further down:
For Stocks, Worst Single-Day Drop in Two Decades
I imagine the end of Fight Club when all the financial institutions are crumbling to the ground.

In front of the shala there are a fraction of the scooters that there were last week. On the steps, there are less sandals. Inside, there were so many open mat spaces that I had a hard time choosing. I eventually rolled out next to Mauricio, Alex, Nuno, and Francisco. Nothing abnormal about practice except perhaps that the standing postures are beginning to feel more natural like when I was at Guy's. (I'm starting to think that this is an effect of second series only--the shoulders aren't as bulky? Also noticeable difference in back bending...read below.) I tried to take my time and to lengthen my breathing in the poses that make me uncomfortable to do so such as pasasana, bhekasana, etc.

I had worked on some eka pada and dwi pada strategies with Alex. With the eka pada's, I really felt a difference, and with the dwi pada, I was more even, however, I didn't remember until I was already finished that I had planned to come into it a different way. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. I felt fairly comfortable in yoga nidrasana--my feet felt pretty even behind my head. But then, down the tip of my nose, I could see Sharath hovering above me like those movie images of doctors hovering over a patient which has just reached consciousness. I lifted my head, he wedged his feet between mine and started wiggling them away from each other so they went deeper behind my neck. Then, I pressed my head back and my neck was practically on the floor. After, he told me "dwi pada like that". He said it a few times because I think I looked at him with this dopey blank stare that I probably have before 5:30am. I asked him if I should take dwi pada again and he said nope--tomorrow.

Sharath stood in front of me during all three of my back bends and all three of my drop backs. Now when I'm dropping back, I'm hovering until I can see my legs and bending my arms as if I would grab and then lightly landing on the floor. I think this helps me. When I went for chakra bandhasana (because let's just admit it, those aren't ankles anymore), Sharath took my right hand just behind my right knee. When he took my left hand, I was like "yeah right" because usually it is "yeah right" but today it was: Yeah. Right. I straightened my legs and brought in my elbows. He inched my left hand higher and then my right. He said to straighten my legs and I tried. He said to balance and I just stood there. It was a moment of total silence like that space before a car crashes where you see everything happening in slow motion or when you are about to fall. It was just me hovering there while the rest of the shala sped by. When I came up, I stood there for a second, completely winded. My body could not figure out what had just happened. I think Sharath was saying "good good". I was overwhelmed with...maybe it was emotion. I hobbled to the dressing room and just lied there for a while wondering if I should cry but by wondering, scared back the tears.

I feel great.

New pose: Yoga Nidrasana

In Yoga Nidrasana, you lie down on your back and cross your legs behind your neck while clasping your arms behind your back. The name of the pose translates roughly to "yoga sleep" or some people like to call it "sleeping yogi". It is pretty challenging, but when you get to a place where you can rest into it, yoga nidrasana can be such a relief.

Some days, like yesterday and the days surrounding it for instance, I wonder why we have to do this. (This, of course, happens to follow Sharath's conference talk on Sunday about getting rid of fear and doubt.) I had finished my practice in the main room (all of my finishing--cool down-- postures after back bending take place in the ladies' dressing room) and was weaving my way through the sweaty bodies when I heard/saw this girl Cat yell super loud and shout "fuuuuuuck!" Everyone in the shala stopped mid pose, breath, walking, flying, what have you, to turn and see what happened. It sounded like more than a "release" or an "opening". It sounded like Saraswati had ripped her arm out of the socket. I continued hobbling to the dressing room, rolled out my mat, and reclined as my back (my core, really) radiated electricity to every cell of my body. I couldn't move.

Not long after, Cat threw open the door, sobbing, and trekked up the stairs to the second floor of the dressing room. It's like when you smell vomit, or see someone yawn--I almost started sobbing too. And why not? This entire experience is very strong. Eric just went back to New York. I left everything and everyone. I'm in a totally foreign place. I'm alone. I'm working my body every day to its limits. I have no idea where I'm going. I have dwindling funds. I can't even choose when I practice, what I practice, what I eat. I'm in a whirlwind of change and for once I feel like I don't even have a choice in the matter--I am playing the witness. I'm watching all this stuff unfold and it is all so new and rich that I don't even know how to begin to participate at all.

I slid on my slippers outside and could overhear Cat laughing and chatting with friends by the coconut stand. Guess nothing ripped after all. Guess it was a huge release or something. Wow. Is this normal? Some days I see it all from the outside and I think to myself, "Wow. We are really REALLY crazy."

Everything is sore. The growing pains are back. With the changes in practice come the changes in body. I have this nagging cold feeling like I want to throw up. A few days ago I was feeling something so intense I was shaking. My arms were shaking and I couldn't stop it. I don't know what the feeling was exactly, but it had to do with Eric leaving and it shook me from the core. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. But sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by it all. It is interesting how much of what is happening in the mind and in the heart directly affects what happens in the body. With ashtanga yoga, the repetition day after day allows one to see these changes as they unfold. If it is that obvious to me, is it that obvious to everyone?

All in all, I'm in good spirits. I don't think I'll be heading back to painting class for a few days though. I don't think I could quite bear going alone right now. Too strong for sure. I got some really great shoes. I found some perfect practice shirts. I'm keeping myself ridiculously occupied. I upgraded my scooter to an Activa. It is bigger, heavier, better. I'm reading The Other Boleyn Girl. It is tedious.

I almost forgot. New post today--yoganidrasana. I wonder if I look as crazy as this guy. For me, it seems that on the days where I just give up, the days where I just say "whatever I'm focusing on my bandha or breath" because I can't even fathom bending are the days when I get a new pose.

Some notes on that: In dwi pada sirsasana (the pose before yoga nidrasana) Sharath told me to jump to a sort of tittibhasana position rather than bhujapidasana. He wasn't specific, but said to not cross my legs. I was jumping into a bhujapidasana-like position and then lowering down to my butt and taking position, but he said to just jump straight. I think it is more like this:

Sunday I'm stuck to the side of a blender.

I stormed down the block wanting to push over every parked scooter. I wanted to kick every Indian guy with tight eighties acid washed jeans in the crotch. I swung my arms into the air and yelled. I kicked up dirt and stomped on all things that would crunch. I wanted to give India a good kick in the balls. Some moments are like that. You're trying and trying and trying and India just says no and that is it. You have to give up, you have to surrender, you have to let go. And even moments like that pass and are quite comical in retrospect.

This morning was the led second series class which is supposed to begin at 6:15, but seems to really start at 6:30. I ran from the toilet to find everyone else standing on their mats listening to Sharath's announcements: conference today at 9:30am followed by tabla performance, and then "samastitihi!"

I practiced between Leecha (friend and fellow Tina's breakfast "server" [I was working at Tina's during month 1]) and Mauricio (the practice twin). I confess that I did a few pre-practice stretches. My rationale is that in New York I move a lot more than I do here and so I'm trying to level the playing field. But whatever, who cares anyway? I wore the long pants so that bakasana b was more guaranteed (I have to jump my knees to perch on my arms and balance and slippery arms make a crappy landing base). Boy could I feel my arms working in the next two postures and then came my last pose--eka pada sirsasana. I began to roll up my mat and Sharath stuck out his finger "one more". I quickly rolled out my mat once more and took the next pose--dwi pada sirsasana.

1. From down dog, jump legs into bhujapidasana position (legs crossed around arms while balancing on hands)
2. lower butt to ground
3. take legs behind head
4. take hands into a prayer position
5. breathe 5 times
6. lift butt off ground while balancing on hands
7. take 5 breaths
8. take bakasana -- crow pose
9. jump back chaturanga
10. I go back.

Off to the coco stand to meet fellow travellers to Coorg. Hoping to take a bus. Coffee and mountains here we come!

2 Kinds of Savasana

I should probably look this up, but I remember learning that in ashtanga that bit on your back at the end is "resting", not "savasana".

So I was "resting" last week at the Shala when I realized the difference in my practice. Last week I got eka pada sirsasana and dwi pada sirsasana and my first taste of practicing second series only: the split. But it was on Friday that I noticed the real difference in how I felt.

I had practiced primary feeling at once relieved and comforted as well as completely exhasuted and sore. Once I reclined for resting I was amazed at how unbelieveably soothing it was. The whole week I had to practically force myself to relax, despite how much I ached to just lie down. The difference is in the savasana.