An exorcism of my very own

Practice was so sweet today. My intention was to practice as if I were making sweet yoga love to myself, and it was great. In every pose, in every movement, in every breath and drishti I asked myself, "am I being a good lover? What else can I do to make myself really enjoy this?" And so, being as attentive as possible, I took my time and paid attention to all the details. There was no rush, just me, myself, and I. I had come to this breakthrough as I moved through standing postures. My drishti caught the view of some guy's sweat-covered, hairy white leg and I thought, "why am I letting that (imagine a close up of the wet hairy leg) into my experience?" So I mamde the commitment to try to not just take the practice inward (which is what I already do), but to try to make it a gift for myself. It changed everything.

Backbending was playful today. I did three half wheels, three full wheels, three 1/2 way drop backs, 3 drop backs, and then I waited for Saraawati. There were quite a few other people waiting, and so I thought, "why not do some more? this is supposed to be fun, right?" So I kept doing drop backs and halfways until she made her way to me. By the time we did drop backs together, I felt like I was able to step back from the original shock and sensation of the first back bends. I was able to quietly observe what was happening. I could feel all the tightness running up the left side of my body.

half wheel

full wheel

drop backs

ankle grabbing

Last night I had decided that I was going to Kumar to work out whatever was stuck inside me. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I was really looking for was permission to explore whatever it is that is in there. I didn't have my own transomatic therapy session last night, but I did realize that I need to create the space and time to do it sometime soon.

I am going to have an exorcism.

I'm not sure what to do, but I was thinking low lights, candles, something to set the mmood. Then maybe force myself to start crying. I might keep a notebook to draw or write, but I think I also need to give myself permission to speak, if need be. (The poor demon has got to go somewhere). Then maybe I'll start with thinking back before I was born, when my parents first met, and just cry about it. And then think slowly about my existence from there, again cryiong about it. I'd like to think of it as an deep emotional massage.

I did something like this unintentionally a few years ago. After High School, I travelled in Europe for a while by myself. One night in a hostel I just started to cry. I was thinking about how all the people around me were the age that my parents were when they got married and had me. And I realized that they were and are just people like me. I took out my notebook and wrote a letter to my dad telling him all thhe things I was mad at him for over the years, but also that I forgave him as a person because althoughh I could never condone his actions, I could have compassion for another human being. For me, that was enough to finally have peace and be able to cultivate a relationship without anger or hate. (My parents had a nasty divorce when I was young and my relationship wioth my father was not fun.)

I can remember now how incredible it felt to lift that weight off me. I wonder what I can dig up now...I might just go to Kummar. We'll see.

Rachel and I were talking about drop backs as an eploration of our inner selves (sometimes I have moments of deep insight and clarity...cometimes.) Dropping back tends to be a little easier for people. Its about being able to go backwards, to look back and face your life's path thus far. ITs about seeing where youa re and facing how you got there. Staning up is really hard. It comes and goes. Standing up is about confidence and letting go. Its about moving forward from where you are. Its a leap. As we rab our ankles, we close the circuit, creating a circle. We hover in that state of both backwards and forwrds without clinging to either. (At first, we find it difficult to straighten our legs, so we are still a bit stuck in the going back part.) Then come the tick tocks, where we are able to play and dance with that cosmic cycle.

I'm working out the kinks on the left side of my body. Sometimes we are able to hide things inside, but eventually we hit a pose that exposes them, and this is it. Today I saw the little demon, and I said, "you're coming out!"

And really, there is an uncanny resemblence between all those backbends you saw above and the lady in this video. (You have to watch this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uibyXiMhU8

"The power of christ compels you!"

*Disclaimer: there is something wrong with my blogger program right now, so I know there are a bunch of typos and formatting issues, sorry!