Health update:
I got a call from my grandma last night while I was sleeping but couldn't read the clock because, well, I was sleeping. When she called back at 3:30am, we had a few sentences when she told me she was worried about my health and wanted to know how skinnny I was.
Grandma: I'm doing just fine, don't worry!
Moments later, my alarm went off, and as much as I didn't want to, I got up and turned on the water heater. On mornings like the last few, I really have to psych myself up to practice. "Yay! I get to go practice! Here I am in India, doing it! Hooray!" etc. etc.
Despite being awake and doing all my pre-practice rituals, I felt so heavy in practice today. I couldn't really get a full breath and I had a tightness from my belly all the way up to the space between my ribs and shoulder on the right side of my chest. I could barely get in a weak uddiyana bandha and there was no space in marichis. I farted a few nasty ones, even though I had emptied out before practice. I felt realy bad for the people practicing next to me--sorry guys! I just knew the whole time that my backbends would be shit because the heaviness in my belly makes stretching the front body very uncomfotable. I took my three, then did three drop backs, which were normal. Then I had Saraswati for backbending. Part of me said "just let go", another part said "I don't want to do this today", but before I knew it, I was there, doing it. My mind had shut off and was just witnessing my body say "fuck you". It was just what I needed. It wasn't a beautiful backbend, by any standards, but sometimes you just have to get in there and rip the bandaid off quick, even though you don't want to.
I went to the dressing room for finishing feeling very frustrated. It wasn't the practice at all. It was me. I was just so pissed off at my body, my stomach in particular. I've always had various stomach and digestive issues and back home, do a lot to control them. I'm vegan, gluten free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, partially hydrogenated soybean oil-free, organic, local, seasonal, etc...But when I started talking to my housemate about this, before I even got through the first sentence, she said "you can't control it." Exactly. There's nothing I feel like I can do. There's nothing I can do. I think its coming from here (pats head) and here (pats heart). I had two eggs over easy with fenugreek rotis, tomato chutney, and sauteed veggies for breakfast. It was fabulous.
Some days you do so much for your practice during practice. Some days you do absolutely nothing for the practice, instead it does things for you. After dragging myself (thats a bit dramatic, I admit) through practice, I came home for a 2 hour savasana and then ran to the toilet. My body had to get something out. I feel so much better.
So much of this practice that we don't always see, or readily resist is the amount that we have to just surrender. You have to surrender to what you think you can do, to what you are able to do, you have to surrender to pain, to tension, you have to surrender your ego, you have to surrender to your teacher...Back home, its easy to fight this. You can hate your teacher for not giving you a pose and go to another one. You can take a few days off and blame it on something else. You can buy a new mat because thats going to make you fly. Here, you learn quickly that life is like a wave and it is moving whether you want to or not. You can move with the current or you can fight against it. Being here, in one way or other, you learn slowly, painfully even, to surrender.
You also learn to laugh. I took pasasana on the first side. The air inside me almost knocked me over and made it very hard to balance. Then when I turned to take the other side, I saw Sharath standing there with his arms crossed, just watching me. He had to see my shittiest pasasana today, of course. I took the other side, he walked over, rolled me on to my heals and then said, "one, two, three!" On three, he let go and I rolled back and he laughed. Inside, I think I laughed too.
I got a call from my grandma last night while I was sleeping but couldn't read the clock because, well, I was sleeping. When she called back at 3:30am, we had a few sentences when she told me she was worried about my health and wanted to know how skinnny I was.
Grandma: I'm doing just fine, don't worry!
Moments later, my alarm went off, and as much as I didn't want to, I got up and turned on the water heater. On mornings like the last few, I really have to psych myself up to practice. "Yay! I get to go practice! Here I am in India, doing it! Hooray!" etc. etc.
Despite being awake and doing all my pre-practice rituals, I felt so heavy in practice today. I couldn't really get a full breath and I had a tightness from my belly all the way up to the space between my ribs and shoulder on the right side of my chest. I could barely get in a weak uddiyana bandha and there was no space in marichis. I farted a few nasty ones, even though I had emptied out before practice. I felt realy bad for the people practicing next to me--sorry guys! I just knew the whole time that my backbends would be shit because the heaviness in my belly makes stretching the front body very uncomfotable. I took my three, then did three drop backs, which were normal. Then I had Saraswati for backbending. Part of me said "just let go", another part said "I don't want to do this today", but before I knew it, I was there, doing it. My mind had shut off and was just witnessing my body say "fuck you". It was just what I needed. It wasn't a beautiful backbend, by any standards, but sometimes you just have to get in there and rip the bandaid off quick, even though you don't want to.
I went to the dressing room for finishing feeling very frustrated. It wasn't the practice at all. It was me. I was just so pissed off at my body, my stomach in particular. I've always had various stomach and digestive issues and back home, do a lot to control them. I'm vegan, gluten free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, partially hydrogenated soybean oil-free, organic, local, seasonal, etc...But when I started talking to my housemate about this, before I even got through the first sentence, she said "you can't control it." Exactly. There's nothing I feel like I can do. There's nothing I can do. I think its coming from here (pats head) and here (pats heart). I had two eggs over easy with fenugreek rotis, tomato chutney, and sauteed veggies for breakfast. It was fabulous.
Some days you do so much for your practice during practice. Some days you do absolutely nothing for the practice, instead it does things for you. After dragging myself (thats a bit dramatic, I admit) through practice, I came home for a 2 hour savasana and then ran to the toilet. My body had to get something out. I feel so much better.
So much of this practice that we don't always see, or readily resist is the amount that we have to just surrender. You have to surrender to what you think you can do, to what you are able to do, you have to surrender to pain, to tension, you have to surrender your ego, you have to surrender to your teacher...Back home, its easy to fight this. You can hate your teacher for not giving you a pose and go to another one. You can take a few days off and blame it on something else. You can buy a new mat because thats going to make you fly. Here, you learn quickly that life is like a wave and it is moving whether you want to or not. You can move with the current or you can fight against it. Being here, in one way or other, you learn slowly, painfully even, to surrender.
You also learn to laugh. I took pasasana on the first side. The air inside me almost knocked me over and made it very hard to balance. Then when I turned to take the other side, I saw Sharath standing there with his arms crossed, just watching me. He had to see my shittiest pasasana today, of course. I took the other side, he walked over, rolled me on to my heals and then said, "one, two, three!" On three, he let go and I rolled back and he laughed. Inside, I think I laughed too.
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