A confession: I slept in

It had to happen eventually, I suppose.

I remember setting my alarm last night. I remember waking up half way through to talk to my boyfriend in the US. I remember I could not get back to sleep. I remember hearing an alarm. I remember hitting snooze. And yet somehow, when I woke up, it was 5:15 and my alarm was set for 12.

I didn't believe it. But there are no other clocks in the house to reference, so I embraced the wave of shame and then went back to bed. I could have stayed awake and practiced on my own (and I still might sometime today), but since I didn't, I'm remembering how incredibly difficult it is to have the motivation to do a regular home practice.

I've met quite a few people here who are from places around the world where there is no ashtanga teacher and home practice is their only option. It is so incredibly inspirational to me to see their practice because it is built on nothing else but their own inner strength. Yes, it takes effort to get up an hour earlier so that you can take the subway or drive to class before work, but it is something totally different when there is no one waiting for you except yourself. You've got to peel yourself from the comfort of your bed, not because you paid for a card, or because your teacher will think less of you, or because you might get a pose, but because that's what you do. Because you know its time to practice and that is it. Because you are keeping your word to yourself.

For my own piece of mind, there is also strength in being able to let go. I remember that my teacher used to talk about learning to be soft and compassionate towards ourselves. When I first heard this I was like, "what kind of flowery, hokey, sentimental bullshit is this?" and "can we get on with the poses?" Really, that's what I thought. But she explained that she is usually really hard on herself, getting mad when she didn't do something "perfect" or setting unrealistic goals. It was then that I realized that she was also talking about me.

That is the challenge, isn't it? Learning that we are not our own worst enemy and to make friends with ourselves. Yet, at the same time balancing the compassion and softness with courage and strength instead of self-loathing disappointment.

No horse is better or worse than any other even though most people want to be the best horse. And who can blame us? The worst horse looks very impressive. But, why not have the courage to look inside and see who we truly are. Why not have the strength to be okay with whatever we find? As Pema Chodron explains:

"What I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I feel like it is entirely possible that there is no afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven or hell, and when you die you are simply dead and that is it. It is entirely possible that the lives that we are now living are the full expressions of our existence. I feel like the sooner we are honest with ourselves about who we truly are, the sooner we can live to our full potential. I feel like our whole lives should be rich and full like we were living the "one year to live meditation".

I realize this seems unrealistic to most, but I see more and more that it is exactly what people are asking for. From dream job coaching to self help books. Counseling to xanax. Pain relievers to pain seekers. Are we really trying to numb ourselves, to check out, to sleep? Or are we all trying desperately to wake up?

Confession: Yes, I slept in today. Ooops. And now everyone knows. I am okay with it.