I am and I can

As I began my back bends, in the back of my mind, I knew that I didn't want to do ankle grabbing. "I" could have been my body, it could have been my mind. Who knows? I usually enjoy the exhilaration of back bends, but this past week has been very difficult. I waited for a long time for Saraswati to help me with drop backs. She is on it though. There is probably 70+ students in there, and she is jumping from one person to another without skipping a beat. I don't mind waiting for drop backs. Today I had these sick head rushes that I've had at different points in my life and I had forgotten about them until today. It was nice to just be able to stand there, shuffle my feet, hold my head, and scream from the inside.

I waited for a long time. Part of me wanted to say "forget it" and sit down to start finishing. But another part of me said, "just wait. Just keep waiting. You'll be okay." When she came over, I said, "please no ankles today, my back hurts." (I said "hurts" because it gets the point across quickly even though that wasn't really the problem.) Saraswati smiled and nodded and latched her hands firmly onto my hips. One, two, three times back half way.

"I think it will be okay, actually," I said. She already knew. I went back the fourth time and took my breathed. When I stood up, I wanted so badly to give her a hug, but I didn't. I think she probably would have been okay with it though. In the past, Guruji would give you a hug for a little while after deep back bends. I swear she lingered a little longer than usual in the paschimottonasana stretch (which helps counterbalance the back bend).

Later as I thought about these few moments on the mat, I realized that this whole trip has been a slow, steady process of learning, painfully at times, to let go. And here, practicing like this, the relentless demand on my body and on my mind, there is nothing left for me to do but surrender. I'm slowly letting go of the need to absolutely control what I eat. I'm okay with eating with my hands. I don't freak out when ants are the place mat my plate is resting on. I'm brushing my teeth with tap water. I'm okay sitting on a wet toilet seat (this is huge). But in other ways too, I'm learning how to be softer and be easier with myself. In many ways, life has been like this. A gradual process of unpeeling layers, getting closer and closer to my true nature. I don't know what that is, but I feel on one hand I'm closer than I can ever remember, and on the other, part of me is ready to believe that maybe I am already that.

It seems strange to say that. That I don't know my true nature, or that I can't recognize it sometimes. Maybe you don't go through that. Maybe you've never thought about it, maybe you have. Maybe you've figured it out. Maybe no one ever will. But I feel that many painful moments I have come when I lose that vision of myself. In many ways my friend, Rachel, is exploring this in a book she's working on. (Check out her blog: http://www.embodiedmovement.blogspot.com/.)

Often I notice how I forget that I am here inhabiting physical space. John says that small children think from their bellies (when they have an earache and a doctor asks them where it hurts, they will often rub their bellies). In this way, I think that whatever I'm going through emotionally is hanging our in my stomach.

The stomach is the location of the 3rd chakra (pictured), which is associated with how we feel about ourselves. (This site has a lot of really useful info on this!) It is also where we store the energy we need to take charge of our lives. One damages the third chakra by harboring anger (even if we don't know its there), or by wishing "our lives were different without taking any action to change circumstances". An underdeveloped third chakra can manifest itself in having "a fear of life, in general". (It might not seem like it, being as I'm in India, but it took a lot for me to get here. I never thought of myself as fearing life, but the more I think about the way I usually do things, the more I realize that I have a giant condom over my body. I feel like slowly this has been less and less, but it is still there.) A malfunctioning third chakra can show up in mid-body obesity (that has always been an issue, relatively speaking), intestinal disorders, and liver problems.

Okay, so what to do if your third chakra is out of whack?

Realize that you are where you need to be.

Be your own best friend.

realize that nothing is permanent, that you are not stuck.

Realize that dammit, you are not fat, so stop asking!

Do the things that you really want to do.

take the necessary actions to make our dreams come true.

Realize that I am here, alive, and healthy, surrounded by good people, with food, and a place to sleep. But really really really realize it.

Truly let go of anger and the comfort in being sad.

Laugh.

Back in New York, earlier this year, I had a small breakdown in class. I had just come up from grabbing my ankles when I was filled to the brim with an overwhelming feeling of, "I can't". I'm not sure if you remember what this feels like when you are a small child. I didn't until that day. It is absolutely paralyzing. You are so frustrated you want to scream, you want to cry, you want to rip off the soles of your feet and scratch holes into your cheeks. I was filled with an intense, childlike feeling of, "I can't". I waddled to the back of the room , threw down my mat, lied down and fought back tears. I laid there for a few moments, then sat up and walked out. Just like that.

I probably was under the impression that that moment was in the past, that I had gone through it and that it was gone. But based on this last week, and today's resistance in particular, I think that this is not the case. It is so strange feeling like I have no control over a thought like this. Maybe it needs to just come out and I should sit in my room and cry about it and let the frustration happen so that it is out once and for all. Maybe.

And here we are, back at the same realization that keeps on coming up:

Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Then the seer abides in his own true nature.

(yoga sutras, book 1, numbers 2 & 3)

Its a beautiful day outside. I think I'm going to go volunteer at the school. I'm not sure what they do. I think they teach english. I think it would be good to get out of my head, and into the world...

Tomorrow is a moonday, so there will be no classes held.

For Eric, who I miss terribly: