The rain is back--but it is just more romantic that way

So I had this vision of celebrating a little gift to myself for my b-day and just for fun by spending a day shopping and living it up in Mumbai before heading back to New York. Now I am not so sure.

The story in the New York Times

My feelings on the whole subject are mixed up and complicated. I think that maybe it is best to just get a direct flight back and not even think about it, which is what I'll probably do... But I am sad and scared and disappointed and disillusioned and worried and frustrated and confused and more.

But I am still happy to be going back. And even in the chaos, there is a little flower growing through the pavement. I just watched a clip from the Today Show on the annual tradition of USA Black Friday madness and thought of me last year shaking in a coat with a coupon in my hand outside a Circuit City with my BF. I miss him.

Yesterday was my last primary class. It was pretty sweet. I feel like I have had so many breakthroughs. I don't even have the words to describe what the whole experience was like but it was something and it was significant and it all felt just how it was meant to be.

And then I spent most of the rest of the day sick in bed possibly with back bending fever or maybe the beginnings of my friend's cold. So I watched My So-Called Life episodes on Youtube and read Indian Cosmopolitan and dodged the rain to get masala dosas at the stand up place (which, by the way, aren't as good as the ones at 6 Main. Plus, Six Main delivers!)

Tomorrow is my last led second class. I am a little sad about that because it is just so much fun, but know that I'll be in there again someday. Today I am off to sample Santosha's latest: wheat-free pancakes. (I've gone back to wheat-free and it feels fantastic.) And to the center to pick up some Indian metal ware for the kitchen...

The battle scars never end

I have a huge bruise on the back of my arm from karandavasana. I was trying and trying and trying and then at a certain point I realized that I could do it one more time but what was the point of getting it today, right now? I had to let it go. There is a point where the ego-less effort turns into ego-feeding effort. You should try your best but without attachment to a goal. Or something like that.

Everyday feels like a gift. I have, what? 6 days left? So, I have deep cleaned my kitchen and parts of the rest of the house. I made granola and yummy meals and feel like giving and taking all the good stuff on this earth. Yes, I am having a serious new age hippie moment.

Today I have to do some serious work on a crazy epic upcoming project...But when I'm not doing that, I'm running around finding little amazing things to bring home.

Yoga boot camp

Baron Baptiste look out.

This is no retreat center. I am convinced that Sharath has access to the power grid and just when you start to get too comfortable, he turns out the power. This time for more than 24 hours. It builds character I am convinced. Walking around with a candle.

I am flying back in 9 days.

Wow.

Black out

There are things I want to remember. Like my friend who is convinced she is going to go back and have a baby. I want to remember what it is like to sit with her now. I want to remember this feeling of anticipation for my friend who will have a baby in nine days. The unknown. I want to remember the pure frustration this morning when I stared at our dirty sink covered with hairs and trails of ants. The sky full of stars when I remembered to look up on the way to the shala this morning. The silhouette of a horse in the field at 4:30am. Balancing on my forearms with my legs above and the lights go out and it is pitch black. I am there for one breath and thirty minutes. It is a place without time and I feel like the last person in the universe. The lights go back on and I cross my legs in karandavasana and start to turn the free fall into a feather landing on water. Start to.

A girl in pincha mayurasana at the old shala from Govinda Kai's photostream.

Jump back

I am staring into nothingness, counting my breaths. In the dark of the changing room, I realize how much I will long to be here when I am not. I feel saturated with gratefulness for the opportunity to be lying on my mat listening to other girls around me sobbing on their backs in the dark. I think about how I am understanding this practice more and more. How it works without you really even knowing it: you just have to show up. You just have to try. I am smiling on the inside and even as my competitive edge rises up, I turn it around, wishing the girl next to me will get that post-uthplutih padmasana jump back that she is working on. I think about sending positive energy and dedication to people and I finish reclined on my mat covered with my rug and mosquitoes absolutely blissed out by my ridiculous new age moment.

It is true. I have booked my ticket back to-- you'll never guess--New York. I am fantasizing about heels, winter coats, sweaters, scarves, movies, pizza, and Central Park. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

But actually, I am thrilled to be going back to New York. I feel totally refreshed and centered and on the path and whatever else you want to call it. I feel sorted. No job yet, but I am optimistic. What am I looking for?

1. Well-paid job with benefits, room for growth, progressive work culture
2. Any combination of the above
3. Whatever I can get my hands on as long as there is a work/life balance

I don't have a specific position in mind, I am open to trying something new and kind of hope it turns out that way.

In the meantime, I have made my Mysore countdown calendar (I have less than a month left) and it is already getting packed. I soaking up every bit of work, refection, and relaxation time that I can get. I am laughing at downloaded ANTM episodes from Youtube. I am loving the South Indian thali that I never liked before. I am learning to let go to the dumb stuff and hang on to the truth. I am working slowly and steadily on karandavasana which is really a metaphor for me.

Look at what I found

Dosa oh dosa

In the back of a rickshaw on the way to Laxmipurum, I am reflecting on the last few months in India. I have been busy but with what? What have I been doing? At the moment, my laptop is in my bag with open documents to be edited, revised, torn to pieces, and put together again. It feels like what's happened to me since August. Or maybe before that.

Everyday has been "okay good morning" who are you? what do you want? how do you think? why do you behave the way you do? what are your skills? what are your weaknesses? what are you doing? Every day. I feel edited, revised, torn to pieces, and put together again. I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.

I left New York thinking I knew what I wanted: long-term independent travel. But really I think what I wanted was the space to change. Here I have had the opportunity to really do the work it takes to begin to scratch the surface of what it means to understand myself, the world, and how I fit into it. The journey has brought both pleasure and pain, but the lessons I have learned along the way will stay with me for the rest of my life. Or at least that it is how it feels now.

I am putting all of my energy and focus into this job hunt. I am actually excited about it. I have unconsciously let the Livingmysore fade to the background, and sadly the blogging has faded slightly as well. What can I say? It is what it is. So what Will I do? What will my profession be? Don't know yet. I do know that I don't plan on teaching full-time. I do know that I want to find a position, whatever it is, that values me as me at a company that I feel happy and proud to be a part of. Vague, I know, but ripe with potential.

Yesterday was the moon day (so no practice) and today was led primary series. It was so soft and soothing (or maybe it was just my state of mind) after a week of second to karandavasana. Every time I get a new pose, my body and practice feels it. Poses feel different, I get sore, tired, and achy. Today's practice was just what I needed.

And when I am not crashing onto my butt from karandavasana, winning writing cover letters, or avoiding making my ticket change for December, I am becoming a first-rate connoisseur of the Mysore South Indian set dosa. It is an art really.

Where have you gone?

craigslist mediabistro careerbuilder monster smuz idealist krop nyfa simplyhired job monkey nytimes classified vault bookjobs indeed

Resume cover letter functional resume writing test quick note informat cover letter online application salary.com compensation history company research

I have been looking for a job non-stop.

I got karandavasana in Sunday's led class. I am the one making the "thump" in the back of the room. It is the sound of my rump hitting the floor again and again and again.

I am watching and learning about people and relationships and growing everyday.

I am inspired by Sharath and Saraswati in conference, class, and thought.

I am so tired at 3:50 in the morning.

Obama won. Awesome.

The care and keeping of second series friends and loved ones

Maybe no one told you, because I know that no one told me.

There is something about second series that really shakes a person up. I see the people just starting the series and they are energetic and smiling. I see the the people practicing full second and they are social butterflies. I see the people working the middle and they are all quiet loners. They are often forlorn and quick to withdraw to their caves. They are content to be alone shuffling about their houses. Their eating habits are strange. Their train of thought and social skills are at times puzzling.

So now that is me. Just realized it. My body sometimes feels completely shattered. All I want is comfort food, soothing voices, my mom, my boyfriend. Cozy sweaters and lying in the sun. I want comfort, sweetness, easy, soft. I want to be home for the holidays. I want to watch Christmas movies and romantic comedies. What I am getting is rigid, real, spicy, or at least that is how it seems. Aggressive and intense. Too much.

But now that I know, it is funny. Just watching myself be ridiculous. I am going to laugh when I see my friends doing the same thing. Just laugh and smile.

Add that to my most recent ENTJ read:


Under Stress The ENTJ:

• May become extremely critical of themselves and others
• Will become angry, controlling and blindly issues orders without respect to consequences
• Will begin to strongly doubt themselves
• Under extreme stress they may withdraw, feel hurt, trapped and become over emotional
• May withdraw and strongly criticize others

Sounds like fun, right? Ha ha. Really, reading this stuff I feel a huge cloud moving from above me to drop rain over someone else's head. The world is sunny again. The world is my oyster. This is me riding off into the horizon. Off into the great unknown.

Oh okay

now I get it.
ENTJ

The itch

I am getting dumb annoyed with the little things. A sign that there are not enough distractions around so I start sending my energy to whatever comes next: people. The people I see everyday. Do I really care how long the bottles have been sitting on the counter in the grand scheme of things? Of course not. Do I get really bothered that the only thing I ever talk to my roommate about is garbage (not rubbish--I mean useless information)? Yes. And even more than that, I don't like the feeling of getting frustrated with myself for feeling embarrassed for going through the process of my day. I get upset about things just like anyone else. It passes I know it passes. I learn from it. I do things better. But there is nothing wrong for it to happen and I don't want to feel dumb for having it. So okay I decide to not feel dumb but the fact is that I am being objective about my experience and being objective must allow the concession that this stuff comes up and I can't pretend that it doesn't.

The point isn't to stop thinking, it is to realize that the thinking is not you.

So there we have it. I am experiencing a dream, a fantasy, a lucid dream where sometimes I control things and sometimes I don't because I forget that it is a dream and that there are choices.

Beyond all that, getting annoyed is a sign that I am working hard at practice. Second series. Nadi Shodhana. Nerve cleansing. I had trouble sitting today I just couldn't get comfortable. My emotions are back and forth. I get irritable and tired and energetic and all over the place. I write this and I think how everyone must think I am nuts but I'm not. At least that is what Simon tells me. (Simon is the tree outside that talks to me.)

I think that it is also a sign that there has been a shift. I feel like I am ready to be released from spiritual rehab. I am now showing the new patients the ropes. I am leading the art class. I am on time for my meds, etc. I might get released for good behavior. Can't just stick around here for the food now can I? Got to get out and start experimenting with all this stuff I have made in the laboratory. Plus, I want to show the world how to make popsicle stick picture frames.

Alright I'll be serious. Seriously, this trip has been such an amazing learning experience for me. I didn't come for any answers, but the answers found me.

I was just kidding about Simon the talking tree.