Video: Difficulties in practice - Kino MacGregor

A confession: I slept in

It had to happen eventually, I suppose.

I remember setting my alarm last night. I remember waking up half way through to talk to my boyfriend in the US. I remember I could not get back to sleep. I remember hearing an alarm. I remember hitting snooze. And yet somehow, when I woke up, it was 5:15 and my alarm was set for 12.

I didn't believe it. But there are no other clocks in the house to reference, so I embraced the wave of shame and then went back to bed. I could have stayed awake and practiced on my own (and I still might sometime today), but since I didn't, I'm remembering how incredibly difficult it is to have the motivation to do a regular home practice.

I've met quite a few people here who are from places around the world where there is no ashtanga teacher and home practice is their only option. It is so incredibly inspirational to me to see their practice because it is built on nothing else but their own inner strength. Yes, it takes effort to get up an hour earlier so that you can take the subway or drive to class before work, but it is something totally different when there is no one waiting for you except yourself. You've got to peel yourself from the comfort of your bed, not because you paid for a card, or because your teacher will think less of you, or because you might get a pose, but because that's what you do. Because you know its time to practice and that is it. Because you are keeping your word to yourself.

For my own piece of mind, there is also strength in being able to let go. I remember that my teacher used to talk about learning to be soft and compassionate towards ourselves. When I first heard this I was like, "what kind of flowery, hokey, sentimental bullshit is this?" and "can we get on with the poses?" Really, that's what I thought. But she explained that she is usually really hard on herself, getting mad when she didn't do something "perfect" or setting unrealistic goals. It was then that I realized that she was also talking about me.

That is the challenge, isn't it? Learning that we are not our own worst enemy and to make friends with ourselves. Yet, at the same time balancing the compassion and softness with courage and strength instead of self-loathing disappointment.

No horse is better or worse than any other even though most people want to be the best horse. And who can blame us? The worst horse looks very impressive. But, why not have the courage to look inside and see who we truly are. Why not have the strength to be okay with whatever we find? As Pema Chodron explains:

"What I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I feel like it is entirely possible that there is no afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven or hell, and when you die you are simply dead and that is it. It is entirely possible that the lives that we are now living are the full expressions of our existence. I feel like the sooner we are honest with ourselves about who we truly are, the sooner we can live to our full potential. I feel like our whole lives should be rich and full like we were living the "one year to live meditation".

I realize this seems unrealistic to most, but I see more and more that it is exactly what people are asking for. From dream job coaching to self help books. Counseling to xanax. Pain relievers to pain seekers. Are we really trying to numb ourselves, to check out, to sleep? Or are we all trying desperately to wake up?

Confession: Yes, I slept in today. Ooops. And now everyone knows. I am okay with it.

The worst horse and other horse stories

One other characteristic of the worst horse is that sometimes the worst horse thinks its the best horse.

If there is one thing you learn in India it is patience. There is a saying that goes: "In India, everything is possible, but don't expect anything".

The people here do this thing that is fondly refered to as the "head wobble". This is kind of like shaking your head "maybe", but mostly like one of those little chihuahua figurines you put in your car with a stationary body and the head that wobbles. It means yes, maybe, it could be possible, I'll try if I get to it, I like you and hope everything works out for you, I have no idea what you are saying but you seem friendly, I think you want me to say yes, the answer is no or probably not, but I wish I could help you but so you won't get upset I won't say no.

I spent the day eating, chilling, laughing. At yogi getogethers, people drink, smoke, challenge eachother to do crazy yoga postures.

I haven't felt so relaxed in a long time.

Sometimes a horse is just a horse and horses are everywhere in this place. Sometimes you're riding on the back of a scooter with 2 other people and moderate speeds and you see 3 horses in the road and you're not sure which one you're going to run into. Sometimes you run into a horse when you didn't expect it and everyone walks away (including the horse) feeling a little more awake.

Saraswati's didn't work out. I'm crashing at Alex's until something comes up.

Tomorrow, led practice at 6:15am.

The worst horse

Pema Chodron writes in The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness that there are three horses. The best horse moves before the whip ever hits its rump. The okay horse moves when it feels the whip. The worst horse won't budge until the whip has made cuts. Most people want to be the best horse. She writes,

"what I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I am the worst horse. Today at practice was again struggling to stay focused, struggling to hear my own breathing. After setu bandhasana (pictured), I moved into urdhva danurasana position. The second I came up-bam! Low back ouch. I've been dealing with this for some time, and back in New York, poses that stretch the psoas and quads in second series have been really helpful. I tried my best to lengthen and yadda yadda, and then moved into a really sloppy stand up. I tried to warm up a bit by doing half ways before the full drop back, but after 2 really out of wack drop back, I gave up. Feeling embarrassed for almost running into someone, I sat down and took a couple of breaths in forward bending before hustling off to do finishing poses with a pout in the dressing room.

I threw down my mat and laid down, swimming in the angry little thoughts soaking in my mind. "Stupid ashtanga with no stupid moving on for a month"

"This is so dumb, I should go somewhere else where they'll let me do my practice"

"I should just finish my practice in here"

"stupid back with the stupid pains"

"All these people coming from all over and now I can't get new poses because its crowded"

etc etc

I thought of Alex, who has been here for 6 weeks and has only just started doing the poses that she got from her last trip. I thought about how I'm the only one who doesn't look completely blissed out right now.

I took 10 breaths in each pose (usually I take 25). I huffed and puffed and threw myself into resting and closed my eyes tightly. I laid therefore for a short while, trying to tell myself to relax, and then shot up, rolled up my mat, and got dressed. Outside my coconut tasted as sour as my mood. Coconuts have been like mood rings for me, I've noticed.

At breakfast, I was talking to Nuno about practice today and how really this is what its about. Doing without knowing, giving up on the ego, practice practice all is coming. It is so much more about the mental in this practice than the physical. And yet, none of this is new. Its funny how things come up to the surface. Even at age 40+, you might find yourself with a pimple.

The sugar boycott is going well. This morning I went to Tina's and had millet toast (its homemade and wheat free!) with cooked spinach and tomato chutney. I also had a banana, soy, cinnamon, and peanut butter smoothie. Very nice!

The plan for today is to get a house! I think I'm going to try for Saraswati's. I've got to pick up some rupees though and some bedsheets.

Yesterday I had a little adventure in waxing and threading...

Part of me thinks that back bend troubles and mental troubles have to do with my bowels being on strike. Part of me thinks that the bowels being on strike has to do with not being grounded at all, no stable living space, and missing SO (1,2,3 chakra issues)...