The worst horse

Pema Chodron writes in The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness that there are three horses. The best horse moves before the whip ever hits its rump. The okay horse moves when it feels the whip. The worst horse won't budge until the whip has made cuts. Most people want to be the best horse. She writes,

"what I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I am the worst horse. Today at practice was again struggling to stay focused, struggling to hear my own breathing. After setu bandhasana (pictured), I moved into urdhva danurasana position. The second I came up-bam! Low back ouch. I've been dealing with this for some time, and back in New York, poses that stretch the psoas and quads in second series have been really helpful. I tried my best to lengthen and yadda yadda, and then moved into a really sloppy stand up. I tried to warm up a bit by doing half ways before the full drop back, but after 2 really out of wack drop back, I gave up. Feeling embarrassed for almost running into someone, I sat down and took a couple of breaths in forward bending before hustling off to do finishing poses with a pout in the dressing room.

I threw down my mat and laid down, swimming in the angry little thoughts soaking in my mind. "Stupid ashtanga with no stupid moving on for a month"

"This is so dumb, I should go somewhere else where they'll let me do my practice"

"I should just finish my practice in here"

"stupid back with the stupid pains"

"All these people coming from all over and now I can't get new poses because its crowded"

etc etc

I thought of Alex, who has been here for 6 weeks and has only just started doing the poses that she got from her last trip. I thought about how I'm the only one who doesn't look completely blissed out right now.

I took 10 breaths in each pose (usually I take 25). I huffed and puffed and threw myself into resting and closed my eyes tightly. I laid therefore for a short while, trying to tell myself to relax, and then shot up, rolled up my mat, and got dressed. Outside my coconut tasted as sour as my mood. Coconuts have been like mood rings for me, I've noticed.

At breakfast, I was talking to Nuno about practice today and how really this is what its about. Doing without knowing, giving up on the ego, practice practice all is coming. It is so much more about the mental in this practice than the physical. And yet, none of this is new. Its funny how things come up to the surface. Even at age 40+, you might find yourself with a pimple.

The sugar boycott is going well. This morning I went to Tina's and had millet toast (its homemade and wheat free!) with cooked spinach and tomato chutney. I also had a banana, soy, cinnamon, and peanut butter smoothie. Very nice!

The plan for today is to get a house! I think I'm going to try for Saraswati's. I've got to pick up some rupees though and some bedsheets.

Yesterday I had a little adventure in waxing and threading...

Part of me thinks that back bend troubles and mental troubles have to do with my bowels being on strike. Part of me thinks that the bowels being on strike has to do with not being grounded at all, no stable living space, and missing SO (1,2,3 chakra issues)...