A confession: I slept in

It had to happen eventually, I suppose.

I remember setting my alarm last night. I remember waking up half way through to talk to my boyfriend in the US. I remember I could not get back to sleep. I remember hearing an alarm. I remember hitting snooze. And yet somehow, when I woke up, it was 5:15 and my alarm was set for 12.

I didn't believe it. But there are no other clocks in the house to reference, so I embraced the wave of shame and then went back to bed. I could have stayed awake and practiced on my own (and I still might sometime today), but since I didn't, I'm remembering how incredibly difficult it is to have the motivation to do a regular home practice.

I've met quite a few people here who are from places around the world where there is no ashtanga teacher and home practice is their only option. It is so incredibly inspirational to me to see their practice because it is built on nothing else but their own inner strength. Yes, it takes effort to get up an hour earlier so that you can take the subway or drive to class before work, but it is something totally different when there is no one waiting for you except yourself. You've got to peel yourself from the comfort of your bed, not because you paid for a card, or because your teacher will think less of you, or because you might get a pose, but because that's what you do. Because you know its time to practice and that is it. Because you are keeping your word to yourself.

For my own piece of mind, there is also strength in being able to let go. I remember that my teacher used to talk about learning to be soft and compassionate towards ourselves. When I first heard this I was like, "what kind of flowery, hokey, sentimental bullshit is this?" and "can we get on with the poses?" Really, that's what I thought. But she explained that she is usually really hard on herself, getting mad when she didn't do something "perfect" or setting unrealistic goals. It was then that I realized that she was also talking about me.

That is the challenge, isn't it? Learning that we are not our own worst enemy and to make friends with ourselves. Yet, at the same time balancing the compassion and softness with courage and strength instead of self-loathing disappointment.

No horse is better or worse than any other even though most people want to be the best horse. And who can blame us? The worst horse looks very impressive. But, why not have the courage to look inside and see who we truly are. Why not have the strength to be okay with whatever we find? As Pema Chodron explains:

"What I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I feel like it is entirely possible that there is no afterlife, no reincarnation, no heaven or hell, and when you die you are simply dead and that is it. It is entirely possible that the lives that we are now living are the full expressions of our existence. I feel like the sooner we are honest with ourselves about who we truly are, the sooner we can live to our full potential. I feel like our whole lives should be rich and full like we were living the "one year to live meditation".

I realize this seems unrealistic to most, but I see more and more that it is exactly what people are asking for. From dream job coaching to self help books. Counseling to xanax. Pain relievers to pain seekers. Are we really trying to numb ourselves, to check out, to sleep? Or are we all trying desperately to wake up?

Confession: Yes, I slept in today. Ooops. And now everyone knows. I am okay with it.

The reflective post

Yesterday, I looked at my day planner (imagine), and realized that I have just 25 days left here in Mysore (including today). It is hard for me to imagine coming here for just a month. When I think back at my time here and where I am at now, I feel like it is just not enough time to soak up all of this. Even now I feel like it could all still just be beginning.

I made a list of all things I wanted to do and see before I left. Without this, it could be fairly easy for me to wake up tomorrow and realize its time to go to the airport. I'd like to float somewhere in between.

Despite the happy send-off of a particularly sound night's sleep, practice was completely ridiculous. I was all over the place. It was great. I kept thinking and telling myself not to think, fidgeting, farting (I'm so sorry Petra). It was such a mess. I wore a new pair of pants that kept slipping down my backside. I tried to put my hair in pigtails. It was okay in front of the mirror, but in class, it was a whole other game. (You're probably thinking "who could mess up pigtails?" but that is another story). My rug was sliding around and crumpling up. And it was taking forEVER. I kept thinking "how long is this going to take? Am I going slower than usual?" I was getting antsy. Then, i realized that I was waiting for something--back bends.

No breakthroughs, funny stories, or insights.

"Right side good. You do left side wrong." Saraswati really felt it today and so did I. She let me go for it a second time, but it was the same story. Hovering in the half back bend, my right hand catches really high TECK (that's the sound of grabbing). Then my left hand pathetically writhes in the air. Saraswati grabs it and pulls. I move both hands down to my ankles and readjust my feet so they are parallel. Then she moves my right hand into that notch behind my knee. The left hand next-- "UNNNGGHHHH". Breathe breathe breathe breathe don't panic, relax breathe and inhale stand hello Saraswati smile smile sit fold and squish "aaaaahhhhh"...

Then off to the dressing room to get eaten by mosquitoes and do finishing postures.

You might remember my first class in July. My struggle with headstand and uthplutih? (Picture on right of students in uthplutih at Guruji's 2002 San Francisco tour. You might not be able to tell, but they are balancing on their hands with their knees and seats are off the floor.) Well, I am amazed at the "progress". Headstand has actually become a calming place to look forward to. My arms are still burning, of course, but I can do it for much longer than before. And then there is uthplutih. always a challenge, but I am facing it. 22 breaths every day. Like my teacher once said, "I look up to my third eye, think about God, and the kundalini is like woooosh." She stays there for 40 very slow breaths. I think about a meat hook pulling up my pelvis. I think about breathing from my pelvic floor. I think about how there is no reason to come down and that the sensations I feel aren't really negative. I look up to my third eye and to the ceiling and imagine shooting up, up. Today was really hard, but when I came down, my head was swarming with heat and I was felt amazing.

I picked up this book at Tina's today called It's a long way to the floor by David Byck. I don't remember where I heard about it, but recently it was recommended to me. I thought with all this attention I'm paying to the experience of being here, it would be a really interesting to see what he experienced and maybe compare notes.

Other updates:

I've got 25 items on my "to do before I die list". This has been incredibly therapeutic. With it, I feel encouraged to be honest with myself about what I really want in life and the things that I am afraid to try for. I feel now that my path is very clear, and that in many ways, I've always been on it.

Last week, Petra and I pulled out the "Angel Cards", which are similar to tarot cards, but much more soft, sweet, and feminine. (Petra says I need to embrace my feminine side, so this is a step on that direction. So is talking about my feelings and practicing with Saraswati and with the influx of female students at the shala. Shakti power!)

I was very skeptical about the cards, but they were dead on and very comforting. I asked what my life purpose was. The cards told me that it was time to heal worry and fear, to relax and feel safe. They said I was currently learning how to be peaceful and have tranquility in life. Right now is the time to gather information and concentrate on being a student, and that by staying on this path, my life's purpose will be revealed. Wow.

It is not really the same as having someone read your cards in front of you, but, you can get your cards read online for free by clicking here.

Tomorrow there is no practice because there is a festival, I don't remember who it is for. We also have Saturday off, and its back to led on Sunday. I'm off to pay Shala fees today, and there is talk of some craziness tonight, but it could be a good night for more L Word and Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I have succumbed.

The worst horse and other horse stories

One other characteristic of the worst horse is that sometimes the worst horse thinks its the best horse.

If there is one thing you learn in India it is patience. There is a saying that goes: "In India, everything is possible, but don't expect anything".

The people here do this thing that is fondly refered to as the "head wobble". This is kind of like shaking your head "maybe", but mostly like one of those little chihuahua figurines you put in your car with a stationary body and the head that wobbles. It means yes, maybe, it could be possible, I'll try if I get to it, I like you and hope everything works out for you, I have no idea what you are saying but you seem friendly, I think you want me to say yes, the answer is no or probably not, but I wish I could help you but so you won't get upset I won't say no.

I spent the day eating, chilling, laughing. At yogi getogethers, people drink, smoke, challenge eachother to do crazy yoga postures.

I haven't felt so relaxed in a long time.

Sometimes a horse is just a horse and horses are everywhere in this place. Sometimes you're riding on the back of a scooter with 2 other people and moderate speeds and you see 3 horses in the road and you're not sure which one you're going to run into. Sometimes you run into a horse when you didn't expect it and everyone walks away (including the horse) feeling a little more awake.

Saraswati's didn't work out. I'm crashing at Alex's until something comes up.

Tomorrow, led practice at 6:15am.