Theta boy

"No afraid," Saraswati smiled up at me.
"Not today," I said. And I really meant it. I meant it so much that it was almost a joke that someone else made and it wasn't me freaking out yesterday.

I had taken my three wheels and three drop backs and was waiting with my arms crossed across my chest like a mummy for Sharath or Saraswati to come help me. Sharath was waiting to help someone else in back bends and I could see that he clearly was avoiding me. I'm glad he did, because I had unfinished business with Saraswati.

She took her time and came over to me. I felt strong, flexible, brave. I really integrated the idea that it wasn't Saraswati's back bend or even practice. No--it was mine and this is my moment and she is here to help me. So I pretended she wasn't even there. I back bended like I was going to do it all on my own and she was an extension of me. She grabbed my hands and put them on my legs and my heels stayed down and I felt strong. She walked my hands up and up and I straightened my legs more and more. And then she kept walking them and I kept straightening them until my hands were holding maybe my knees but it is hard to tell when you are backwards and upside down. My hands were almost even. I couldn't even remember a time when my left shoulder was bothersome. My legs were as straight as I've ever taken them and my thighs were on fire. My butt was on fire.

I was right on the edge and the sensations were insane. I felt myself get a little tired or a little afraid like when you back away from the edge of a cliff and in that moment something inside me said "no, I am not afraid" and I completely straightened my legs and everything just stacked up.


I felt Saraswati step away so that she was barely even touching me. I felt like I had fireworks in my pelvis or maybe a fish bowl swirling with koi and bubbles.I felt like those colorful blobs in that Bjork video were jumping inside me. I was there maybe for a few seconds, maybe a minute bu not longer. I stood up, shocked. Saraswati had a very serious face. I put my hands on her shoulders and just kind of looked at her. She nodded and gave me the best squish of my life. The funny thing is, my back was not tense at all. It felt great. I've never felt better. I pranced to the dressing room and took my finishing postures. I rested and went to another planet. I realized that yes, it is 99% practice 1% theory, but with time, you notice that actually it is also 99% mental and 1% physical.

You have to surrender/ Sharath interview

There's a line in the sand, a divide, between those who don't mind the squat toilet and those who do, between those who insist on toilet paper and those who don't, those squatting for their shower and those brushing their teeth with bottled and filtered water, those who eat the street food and those who bring their own coconut straws. How much of experiencing India is letting go? How much of it is accepting the circumstances? How much of it is storming ahead? How much of it is adapting? Where is the divide between becoming Indian? Pretending to be Indian? Orientalizing the experience? What about becoming the ugly American? How much do we have to try and how much should we just be ourselves?

Some people avoid Saraswati*. She is very nice and loving, but they don't want her helping them. There are many reasons that people give as to why but I don't subscribe to them at the moment. I only get adjustments in back bending and in the past I've had moments where I looked into her eyes and pleaded for an easier variation (just up and down and then hands to the floor instead of to my legs). The thing is that if she were my dance partner, we'd be stepping all over each other's toes. She'd be leading but I couldn't count her steps. So I'd try to lead but she'd reinforce that she was the man, etc. But now I see that I'm getting stronger and that I'm starting to think that I understand what she's trying to tell me and it is working. People complain that she let's go of them when she grabs for their hands and they're arched backwards dangling their arms on the brink of collapse. I've realized that OMG I can stand by myself! Amazing!

The other day after conference I saw her sitting in the office and something told me to go inside. I didn't know what I was going to say but I had this really overwhelming emotion about how people would avoid her in class. I asked her if I could sit and then something came over me and I started blabbering.

"I just wanted to say thank you and this week you've been helping me in back bending and I feel like this big opening..." I might have kept blabbering but the sound was blotted out by the sobs. I started crying and gulping air. She looked at me with her big gleaming eyes and smiled. I asked myself what the muck just happened? as I stepped out of the door.

*Saraswati is Pattabhi Jois' (Guruji's) daughter. She is in her 60's and teaches at AYRI (the shala) alongside her son, Sharath, who is the director. She has her own class in the "late" morning and assists Sharath in the "main shala" classes.
Recent interview with Sharath
I just read this really great interview by Guy in New York. I really recommend reading it.

No fearing

Saraswati and I had a moment today and its possible that she didn't even know it. (Sometimes I feel like a stalker that develops this entire relationship with someone without even knowing their name. Hmmm.)

Back bending. As I hung, suspended in the air, for a split second I thought to myself, "no fear". ("No fear" is one of Sharath's favorite sayings. He repeats it a lot. For a while I thought, "maybe this guy needs some new material". But actually, by repeating it, the simple lesson gets stuck where it needs to in our heads so that when we are in moments like this, it happens without even thinking about it. Imagine if fearlessness became a part of us all...)

Saraswati grabbed my left hand and took it to my leg. I think I grunted. I was up on my toes leaning my pelvis against this 60+ year old woman, trusting that she wouldn't drop me as she reached over to take my right hand to my leg. For a moment, my body seized as the nerves running through my body began to pulsate, vibrate, and ring. And then, peace. I planted my heels firmly on the ground. I engaged my legs and began to straighten them as if I were standing. I drew my elbows toward one another and felt my chest melting in a large arc toward the ceiling. I could feel all the bones in my body, my pelvis, my sacrum, my femurs, Saraswati's hands. And I breathed. And right when I usually spring up to stand, I rode the wave to the next breath. I was still there breathing. It was like crossing over to another lifetime. Saraswati let me stay there for a while. I was relaxing. With a little twitch of her hands I could tell that it was time to come up, and I did. My whole body vibrated intensely. I even wiggled a little from the electricity. I sat down and Saraswati ironed out my back with her hands like a shirt. She stayed with me longer than ever before. I think I groaned and smiled and still she stayed. We had a moment and I'm not sure that she knew it.

The last few weeks of back bending have been very interesting. As Saraswati put it, "that arm no good". The right side of my body feels open and clean. In a back bend, the entire side feels smooth like the energy is sweeping up and down then entire length of my body. But on the left side, it feels like a knitting project gone bad. All the yarn is knotted up and needs help being untangled. But today there was some real progress. I could feel the difference even if there was a visible discrepancy between the placement of my hands on my legs. At the coconut stand a friend said, "back bending twist!"

The practice is a lot like this. Things are good. You're doing it. Maybe it even feels easy or (gasp) fun. And then one day it all shatters to pieces. I remember that in David Byck's book, he explains how he tackled this a couple of times in asanas. Maybe you experience it in just getting into a schedule to practice. I know I have. So, sometimes everything shatters to pieces and it feels like it will always be that way until one bright sunny day or gloomy grey one, you discover to much surprise and great amazement that the pieces have miraculously been glued back together.

I got salambasana today. There is always an energy between the teacher and student. I think that we can both sense when we are ready for the next thing or when we need to work. Today I had a feeling that she would give me salambasana. I did pasasana and krounchasana (the first and second poses of second series, but also the last two that I practice before starting back bending and finishing postures), but didn't hear from Saraswati as I went into back bending. I did three back bends (also called wheel or urdhva dhanurasana), each one walking my hands closer to my feet until the third wheel when I touched and grabbed my legs with my hands. After my last exhale, I stood up on the inhale. Saraswati was helping the person in front of me with supta vajrasana (see picture on left from ashtangayoga.info).

"Your last pose, " she asked.

"Krounchasana, " I said.

"Huh?"


"Krounchasana," I repeated.

"Salambasana." She instructed. Even though I knew that she wanted me to back track and do it now I still said, "right now?" Obviously, she didn't respond. I knew the answer. (see pics of Salambasana a & b on the right from ashtanga.info.)

Mysore Book Club. I just finished Lolita and have just started Shantaram. It is really big, but is a Mysore must-read. EVERYONE is reading it right now... I also heard that maybe there will be a movie coming up...Something about Johnny Depp?

Video of Supta Vajrasana with Guruji in New York:

The reflective post

Yesterday, I looked at my day planner (imagine), and realized that I have just 25 days left here in Mysore (including today). It is hard for me to imagine coming here for just a month. When I think back at my time here and where I am at now, I feel like it is just not enough time to soak up all of this. Even now I feel like it could all still just be beginning.

I made a list of all things I wanted to do and see before I left. Without this, it could be fairly easy for me to wake up tomorrow and realize its time to go to the airport. I'd like to float somewhere in between.

Despite the happy send-off of a particularly sound night's sleep, practice was completely ridiculous. I was all over the place. It was great. I kept thinking and telling myself not to think, fidgeting, farting (I'm so sorry Petra). It was such a mess. I wore a new pair of pants that kept slipping down my backside. I tried to put my hair in pigtails. It was okay in front of the mirror, but in class, it was a whole other game. (You're probably thinking "who could mess up pigtails?" but that is another story). My rug was sliding around and crumpling up. And it was taking forEVER. I kept thinking "how long is this going to take? Am I going slower than usual?" I was getting antsy. Then, i realized that I was waiting for something--back bends.

No breakthroughs, funny stories, or insights.

"Right side good. You do left side wrong." Saraswati really felt it today and so did I. She let me go for it a second time, but it was the same story. Hovering in the half back bend, my right hand catches really high TECK (that's the sound of grabbing). Then my left hand pathetically writhes in the air. Saraswati grabs it and pulls. I move both hands down to my ankles and readjust my feet so they are parallel. Then she moves my right hand into that notch behind my knee. The left hand next-- "UNNNGGHHHH". Breathe breathe breathe breathe don't panic, relax breathe and inhale stand hello Saraswati smile smile sit fold and squish "aaaaahhhhh"...

Then off to the dressing room to get eaten by mosquitoes and do finishing postures.

You might remember my first class in July. My struggle with headstand and uthplutih? (Picture on right of students in uthplutih at Guruji's 2002 San Francisco tour. You might not be able to tell, but they are balancing on their hands with their knees and seats are off the floor.) Well, I am amazed at the "progress". Headstand has actually become a calming place to look forward to. My arms are still burning, of course, but I can do it for much longer than before. And then there is uthplutih. always a challenge, but I am facing it. 22 breaths every day. Like my teacher once said, "I look up to my third eye, think about God, and the kundalini is like woooosh." She stays there for 40 very slow breaths. I think about a meat hook pulling up my pelvis. I think about breathing from my pelvic floor. I think about how there is no reason to come down and that the sensations I feel aren't really negative. I look up to my third eye and to the ceiling and imagine shooting up, up. Today was really hard, but when I came down, my head was swarming with heat and I was felt amazing.

I picked up this book at Tina's today called It's a long way to the floor by David Byck. I don't remember where I heard about it, but recently it was recommended to me. I thought with all this attention I'm paying to the experience of being here, it would be a really interesting to see what he experienced and maybe compare notes.

Other updates:

I've got 25 items on my "to do before I die list". This has been incredibly therapeutic. With it, I feel encouraged to be honest with myself about what I really want in life and the things that I am afraid to try for. I feel now that my path is very clear, and that in many ways, I've always been on it.

Last week, Petra and I pulled out the "Angel Cards", which are similar to tarot cards, but much more soft, sweet, and feminine. (Petra says I need to embrace my feminine side, so this is a step on that direction. So is talking about my feelings and practicing with Saraswati and with the influx of female students at the shala. Shakti power!)

I was very skeptical about the cards, but they were dead on and very comforting. I asked what my life purpose was. The cards told me that it was time to heal worry and fear, to relax and feel safe. They said I was currently learning how to be peaceful and have tranquility in life. Right now is the time to gather information and concentrate on being a student, and that by staying on this path, my life's purpose will be revealed. Wow.

It is not really the same as having someone read your cards in front of you, but, you can get your cards read online for free by clicking here.

Tomorrow there is no practice because there is a festival, I don't remember who it is for. We also have Saturday off, and its back to led on Sunday. I'm off to pay Shala fees today, and there is talk of some craziness tonight, but it could be a good night for more L Word and Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I have succumbed.

I am and I can

As I began my back bends, in the back of my mind, I knew that I didn't want to do ankle grabbing. "I" could have been my body, it could have been my mind. Who knows? I usually enjoy the exhilaration of back bends, but this past week has been very difficult. I waited for a long time for Saraswati to help me with drop backs. She is on it though. There is probably 70+ students in there, and she is jumping from one person to another without skipping a beat. I don't mind waiting for drop backs. Today I had these sick head rushes that I've had at different points in my life and I had forgotten about them until today. It was nice to just be able to stand there, shuffle my feet, hold my head, and scream from the inside.

I waited for a long time. Part of me wanted to say "forget it" and sit down to start finishing. But another part of me said, "just wait. Just keep waiting. You'll be okay." When she came over, I said, "please no ankles today, my back hurts." (I said "hurts" because it gets the point across quickly even though that wasn't really the problem.) Saraswati smiled and nodded and latched her hands firmly onto my hips. One, two, three times back half way.

"I think it will be okay, actually," I said. She already knew. I went back the fourth time and took my breathed. When I stood up, I wanted so badly to give her a hug, but I didn't. I think she probably would have been okay with it though. In the past, Guruji would give you a hug for a little while after deep back bends. I swear she lingered a little longer than usual in the paschimottonasana stretch (which helps counterbalance the back bend).

Later as I thought about these few moments on the mat, I realized that this whole trip has been a slow, steady process of learning, painfully at times, to let go. And here, practicing like this, the relentless demand on my body and on my mind, there is nothing left for me to do but surrender. I'm slowly letting go of the need to absolutely control what I eat. I'm okay with eating with my hands. I don't freak out when ants are the place mat my plate is resting on. I'm brushing my teeth with tap water. I'm okay sitting on a wet toilet seat (this is huge). But in other ways too, I'm learning how to be softer and be easier with myself. In many ways, life has been like this. A gradual process of unpeeling layers, getting closer and closer to my true nature. I don't know what that is, but I feel on one hand I'm closer than I can ever remember, and on the other, part of me is ready to believe that maybe I am already that.

It seems strange to say that. That I don't know my true nature, or that I can't recognize it sometimes. Maybe you don't go through that. Maybe you've never thought about it, maybe you have. Maybe you've figured it out. Maybe no one ever will. But I feel that many painful moments I have come when I lose that vision of myself. In many ways my friend, Rachel, is exploring this in a book she's working on. (Check out her blog: http://www.embodiedmovement.blogspot.com/.)

Often I notice how I forget that I am here inhabiting physical space. John says that small children think from their bellies (when they have an earache and a doctor asks them where it hurts, they will often rub their bellies). In this way, I think that whatever I'm going through emotionally is hanging our in my stomach.

The stomach is the location of the 3rd chakra (pictured), which is associated with how we feel about ourselves. (This site has a lot of really useful info on this!) It is also where we store the energy we need to take charge of our lives. One damages the third chakra by harboring anger (even if we don't know its there), or by wishing "our lives were different without taking any action to change circumstances". An underdeveloped third chakra can manifest itself in having "a fear of life, in general". (It might not seem like it, being as I'm in India, but it took a lot for me to get here. I never thought of myself as fearing life, but the more I think about the way I usually do things, the more I realize that I have a giant condom over my body. I feel like slowly this has been less and less, but it is still there.) A malfunctioning third chakra can show up in mid-body obesity (that has always been an issue, relatively speaking), intestinal disorders, and liver problems.

Okay, so what to do if your third chakra is out of whack?

Realize that you are where you need to be.

Be your own best friend.

realize that nothing is permanent, that you are not stuck.

Realize that dammit, you are not fat, so stop asking!

Do the things that you really want to do.

take the necessary actions to make our dreams come true.

Realize that I am here, alive, and healthy, surrounded by good people, with food, and a place to sleep. But really really really realize it.

Truly let go of anger and the comfort in being sad.

Laugh.

Back in New York, earlier this year, I had a small breakdown in class. I had just come up from grabbing my ankles when I was filled to the brim with an overwhelming feeling of, "I can't". I'm not sure if you remember what this feels like when you are a small child. I didn't until that day. It is absolutely paralyzing. You are so frustrated you want to scream, you want to cry, you want to rip off the soles of your feet and scratch holes into your cheeks. I was filled with an intense, childlike feeling of, "I can't". I waddled to the back of the room , threw down my mat, lied down and fought back tears. I laid there for a few moments, then sat up and walked out. Just like that.

I probably was under the impression that that moment was in the past, that I had gone through it and that it was gone. But based on this last week, and today's resistance in particular, I think that this is not the case. It is so strange feeling like I have no control over a thought like this. Maybe it needs to just come out and I should sit in my room and cry about it and let the frustration happen so that it is out once and for all. Maybe.

And here we are, back at the same realization that keeps on coming up:

Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Then the seer abides in his own true nature.

(yoga sutras, book 1, numbers 2 & 3)

Its a beautiful day outside. I think I'm going to go volunteer at the school. I'm not sure what they do. I think they teach english. I think it would be good to get out of my head, and into the world...

Tomorrow is a moonday, so there will be no classes held.

For Eric, who I miss terribly:

Led with Saraswati

This morning took the prize for the hardest, most painful wake up, thus far. I think I read somewhere in a kundalini book that three months is as long as it takes to form a habit. In other words, three months is enough time to make lasting changes to oneself. (Maybe that's not the exact number, but maybe it is.) People say that you get used to waking up at 3:30am, that its not so bad. I don't know. I've been doing this for almost a month now and I feel like it is not getting any easier, even with th magic goop. The first couple of weeks you are going on pure adrenaline. Now the adrenaline is gone and the real test begins.

Everything was an excuse to not leave the house.

I'm tired.

I deserve a day off.

I don't hear my roommate awake.

I can't take a shit.

Etc.

These excuses continued as I locked the front door. They followed me as I closed the gate. "Please give us Saraswati today". Down the block they were humming in my ear. I was very late today (4:50) and was surprised to see that there was a crowd of students waiting at the Shala gates. "Maybe they'll cancel class." I knelt down and buried my face between my knees falling into a quick momentary sleep. The lights turned on, the keys turned in the door, the students stood up, the gates opened, and we all shuffled inside.

Saraswati was right on time. She led the opening chant (which I've never heard from her before and was very cool) and began sun salutations. I was amazed by how much her style of teaching the led class reflected her presence as a person. The pace was smooth and even. I reflected on this even as I fought back the little voice in my head telling me it was okay to pull up my mat and go back home to sleep. I just kept telling myself to just breathe and just practice and tried not to think about the fact that it is normal for people to be sleeping at that time. The led class was 1 hour 35 minutes, which is quite longer than usual. It was hard, but really really good.

In case you read this and find yourself in India trying to figure out when to go and eat, please remember the following:

If you want lunch, you've got to go eat before 3:30. If not, the full menu isn't served until after 7:30. The only exception is Anu's, they serve dinner at 5pm. You can still go to a restaurant during that time, but they only serve greasy snacks. Last night we wanted a proper meal and were almost in tears when we couldn't get it. Dramatic, I know.

Tuesday we have off for the moon day. I also think this may be Saraswati's birthday, but I'm not sure. We will also have Friday off for a festival day ( for the Indians, not us). Some people balk when they find out that you're supposed to take Saturdays, moondays, and three days for your period to rest. But when you're practicing intensely 6 days a week (and waking up at 3:30am), you will be as thankful as I feel right now!

Saraswati could be sitting on your tongue

Tina says that in Indian cooking, there is no tasting of the food to see if it is right like we do in western cooking. One reason for this is to avoid contaminating the food with your germs. The other reason is that you are supposed to be so completely present when you cook that everything will be just right. I hope you try to make the eggplant recipe from a couple of days ago. It is a bit strange not having exact measurements to work with, but you'll just have to let go and jump in. As Tina says with a laugh, "this is not a laboratory...it is a kitchen!"

At the cooking class on Thursday, Tina told us a story about Saraswati. (I should mention that I am not talking about Saraswati the 60 something year old yoga teacher at the Shala who assists Guruji. Here, many people are named after Gods and Goddesses. It would be as if there were a lot more people named "Jesus".) Saraswati lives in your throat by where your collarbones stick out. One time during the day, she will climb up your throat and sit on your tongue. You can never tell when she'll decide to sit there. But beware, when Saraswati sits on your tongue, whatever you say will come true. It is for this reason that you must be mindful of what you say throughout the day.

Today I'm off to read more Harry Potter. Later, we are going to the Mysore Palace to see the lights. Apparently it is very beautiful and they only do it on Sunday evenings.

If you've never picked up a copy of the Yoga Sutras, you ought to. I'm going to go get a new copy this week. There are many translations of this ancient text. My favorite is the one by Swami Satchitananda. However, many people have been recommending Light on Yoga Sutras by Iyengar. So, Since I already have the Satchi copy at home, I think I'll pick up the Iyengar copy while I'm here for a new perspective.

Today and tomorrow are moondays, depending on whose calendar you are following. We (a few of us students) decided it was on Monday, and so organized a little practice group this morning. It was really nice to get adjustments from each other, and I did my practice which felt so so so good! Primary can really be a bummer for me. All the forward bending and monotonous back and forth stuff makes me feel a bit drained. So it felt really good to do all those extra back bends and heart openers... Tuesday we will practice again.

PS-If you haven't read Elissa's blog yet, you should. She is way more candid that I and she has a completely different perspective. Also, its funny to read the stuff she writes about me! Check the sidebar under "mysore blogs" and click the link!