Live to practice or practice to live

I missed and missed practice at the shala this morning. It wasn't my fault, but was probably for the best. Spent half an hour waiting on a train platform to get there and when it was clear that the train was either not coming or I was going to be way too late, I walked home.

I haven't had coffee in years. I hadn't had a deuce since Monday. I decided that instead of farting up the shala, I'd get a coffee and take matters into my own hands. It worked. And now I get a nice practice at home with music in the background. And why not? Was today the day I'd get karandavasana? Maybe. Should that matter? Nope. Do I live to practice or practice to live?

Teaching yoga. Oh, teaching yoga. So great, so fun, so rewarding. So hard, so challenging, so annoying. Yesterday, I taught way too much, was way too tired, had a hard emotional weekend, was angrily constipated and snapped at a student. I felt and still feel horrible.

Teaching yoga is hard and it isn't just "teaching" yoga. What is it that students want and what on earth are they coming for? To sweat? To lose weight? For spiritual peace? To stretch? To do crazy shit? It could be none or all of those reasons and more and somehow as the teacher you're supposed to cater to all of this or none of this. It shouldn't matter, you should be able to teach what you feel is best for the students. But that isn't always the case. Numbers count and you've got to pay your rent. I've found that most people want a cushy, nice teacher, who will help boost their ego in a not so obvious way. Hey, I'm probably that student too to some extent, or at least have been at one point or another. Very few really want to do the real work. This isn't to say that people don't come to class with good intentions, they do. It is that it is hard to develop and things that are hard aren't always fun.

In a recent post, Steve Dwelley talks about fundamentalists in yoga and Guy responds:

"A lot of times we are confronted in life with our likes and dislikes, laziness, apathy, greed etc…. in yoga practice too! If every time as a practitioner we say: “today I dont feel like doing any forward bends, only backbends, or today I feel like breathing through my mouth” and the teacher says: “fine, whatever”, then the student will never develop a true and healthy practice.

Part of going into yoga is over coming our subjective likes and dislikes and going through a process of dissolving the ego. For this strong and consistent discipline is required. If the practice is changing daily it cannot act as a reference point for Self knowledge, if the teacher also changes his or her tune daily, he or she can also not act as such a reference point."

Some days the classes are small and the students give me angry little faces. It takes it all out of me. Other days, everything clicks and we are all better for it. I try to detach myself from these ups and downs and try to stay true to the fact that I am giving my best and always doing all I can to look out for the students. I'm human like everyone else and get attached to these fluctuations. It is hard. Its a practice.