The words echo for a moment. Tears well up in my eyes. In the dressing room later, I think about how I can't really remember ever being told this before but want to believe that I have.
In our interview this month, Guy mentioned how practice is usually physical therapy or emotional therapy. Today, holding my shoulder, holding my tears, I remember "emotional therapy".
"This is your pose," he says.
I guess I never did really have that exorcism. In Mysore last year, I really thought my back bends were going to shit. I knew that issues were coming up and I was working through them, but I really thought that I had worked through them. I went from happily grabbing my ankles last June to struggling in October (oh Saraswati!). But it has been up from there. Literally. I'm up my legs again, but not without a great amount of struggle.
In the Danny Paradise workshop last night, he talked about how for ashtanga practitioners, they experience the effects of old age earlier, but then are unaffected later in life. You live a vibrant joyous life and then you die. Just like that. So, a certain amount of physical discomfort (this is different from "ouch" pain) can be expected.
The feelings that come up for me in ankle grabbing are intense. Physically, I 've got very strong sensations coming from my right shoulder. But it isn't pain. More like stepping on spilled soda in a movie theatre--gummy and sticky.
Once I'm there holding my legs, drawing my elbows toward one another, expanding my chest, and straightening my legs, I experience a mixture of exhilaration and panic. It feels like I have a bird in my chest flying in a cage (which is my ribs) with no place to get out. All I can think is "my shoulder."
Mentally, I find myself both dreading and looking forward to back bending which of course, is very confusing. The constant devil on this shoulder and angel on that can be tiring. I find myself surrounded by feelings of disappointment, feeling trapped, frustration. This is all after the forearm stands pincha mayurasana and karandavasana. I don't want to say there is drama around all these poses, but I guess there is (since I'm writing about them and all).
Last year I remember very clearly that it was right after back bending that I was overcome with these really intense feelings of "I can't" like the ones you get when you are super upset as a kid. I really felt like a child in fact. I was really upset. I went to my mat for finishing and got so upset that I just got up and left. Second series sure does a number on the nerves. Although these feelings I experienced today might look the same to what I experienced last year I now realise that actually I've grown a lot. When the emotions came up this time instead of walking out (like the devil on my shoulder told me too), I focused on my finishing poses. I did it, I didn't die. I made it through. This feels like growth to me.
Okay, now Danny Paradise. Maybe tomorrow. For now, enjoy some videos!
Danny Jumps Through at Om Factory NYC (last night)
Youtube video: "Ashtanga Yoga -- River of the Soul"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB055-M6QwA
Danny reminds me of Gene Wilder.
About what Danny said about aging--what, when, and why? What effects of aging? Physical? Spiritual? Psychological? When? How much earlier is earlier? And why do ashtangis experience aging earlier? Is it just that the poses show the aging, and most people don't do asana poses, so they don't Notice until later?
ReplyDeleteAnyway--just wondering what he meant here and if he said anything else?
Interesting post.
Very interesting. I thought if I had backbends like yours, I would be a happy person. No such thing, I guess? There is some wisdom in saying that being satisfied with what is brings happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the post! :)
thanks!
ReplyDeletei'll post more details over the weekend of what he talked about, but in short--
because with ashtanga you are practicing consistently and the same sequences, the effects of aging are felt earlier. He seemed to imply "physical" signs of aging such as pain or arthritis, etc. At first I interpreted how you mention in your post
"most people don't do asana poses, so they don't Notice until later"
that makes sense because we are going so deep into our bodies that we feel things that people in static bodies won't feel until later on.
then i thought maybe he meant that one feels like an old person because they are sore and achy from all the practice.
but then he added that the signs of aging won't effect them when they are old and they will just die quickly rather than a long, slow deterioration.
hmmm.
alfia-
ReplyDeletethank you!
the grass is always greener...
Well, in this particular case, it IS greener. :D
ReplyDeleteit is all relative.
ReplyDeleteok, this is cute.
at the workshop, Danny is demonstrating nauli and he's showing us how to do baby steps to get to be able to make our bellies ripple from side to side. he says something like, "this took me about a year to learn, so don't expect anything today. but maybe someone will be able to do it right away. there's always someone like that...I hate them." Everybody laughs.
So cute. Seriously, Gene Wilder.
I love it when the highly revered yogis can be jokey and real. Very cool.
ReplyDeleteSo, was that guy's compassion you experienced re. the tears and backbending? So mind boggling to me that "your pose" would be one that you are so skilled at and so naturally able to do.
yes, the very same.
ReplyDeleteit looks like I can do it, but there is still a far way to go.
Hmmm..interesting. How far do you need to go? Is it something beyond physical (duh!)?
ReplyDeleteyes Yoga Chick, GD is actually a very compassionate and understanding teacher. A very humble and devoted soul he is. Don't act surprised just because your ambition gets the best of you. Though I so admire your willingness to strive high. we should expect only the very best of ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI never said Guy wasn't compassionate. Nor was I suprised that he was comforting to Elise. I was surprised simply that Elise has issues with backbending since from the outside her backbends look amazing.
ReplyDeleteYC- You're right, it is something beyond the physical but also a part of it too.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the day to return when I don't fear the pose or think about how its coming up. I'd like to be able to open my upper chest more which is really tight and getting tighter as my upper body strength develops. I'd like to feel comfortable. Right now when I'm in the pose I usually feel like a two year old being held in her mother's lap and wiggling to get out. My feet turn out...
Sorry, it sounded like you trying to go somewhere else YC. Isn't ashtanga amazing? It's so life affirming and yet a struggle all at the same time.
ReplyDelete