Sometimes there is a formula for when you get a pose. You sense it coming, look up at the right time, know the teacher is talking to you, and you go for it--giddy, but prepared. Other times you can't believe it is here, can't really understand why (because you weren't "Yoga Journal" perfect), but soon realize it is because your teacher thinks you're ready, and just maybe your practice looks like it is your practice--you approach the asanas knowing what you're after rather than jumping into a body of water when you know you can't swim.
Today, I was surprised when I was told to jump forward after karandavasana. Let's be clear. I am not coming down and up on my own. But I am crossing on my own, I'm kicking with confidence. I've lost the picture perfect jump back, but I'm genuinely trying (most of the time to get it back). I really thought I'd be here until at least I could lower down by myself like a pro. But I guess I must have looked ready, maybe I just needed a break from the pressure, maybe Guy wants to show me poses so that I'm not dumbstruck in Mysore, or maybe he saw my pretty little flying moments and thought they looked promising. Who knows.
When I heard him say "jump forward" I knew the timing was spot on with my breath and I looked up like, "really?" I knew Mayurasana was a challenging pose, but as always, I was overwhelmed with how challenging it was keeping the vinyasa and in the "correct ashtanga" hand position. I went through the whole thing twice to remember the vinyasa and was gushing sweat.
I have to confess. I have maybe been sabotaging my practice just a little. There are some places where I know I could stick to the vinyasa and maybe be stronger, but I am holding back and entertaining the thoughts and the fears and the drama because I'm scared. I'm scared of what's coming of second series. I'm scared that it will be revealed that I'm a phony. That all along I've just been cheating and acting and never really that "deserving" or dedicated. They (don't know who this refers to) will know that I'm not flexible, that I'm not strong, that I think a lot. That I'm not good enough. It will all be revealed. I'm scared that I won't be able to perform day after day. (I know it isn't a performance, but I'm being honest here, so some compassion please.) And now, my bluff has been called. With all this business of trying not to get a pose and acting really tired after karandavasana and all the drama before back bending and I get a new pose. Grr. And yay!
Again through practice I tried to think "light" when I felt "heavy", I tried to jump high and focus on mulabandha, I tried not to think in back bends (unless the thoughts were positive and encouraging), and funny enough, I felt comfortable and even in my back bends and maybe even good again. I hope it lasts.
One last note on practice: my arms fall asleep every now and then in supta vajrasana making bakasana incredibly "unfun", however, not impossible. Some days I ignore it and go for it. Other days like today I make a big show (the biggest show yet) of making faces and waving my arms about. The pain is worse on the big show days. Interesting.
On Food:
On the way to the shala this morning I decided that the best practice for me in terms of my attitude toward food is this: asking myself "is this helpful?" Every time I want to eat or feel like eating or am around food, I will try to ask myself "is this helpful?" Inside this question are other questions like:
why do I want to eat this?
what are my motivations?
am I hungry?
does this food have a positive affect on my body and mind?
will eating this make me happy an hour or not?
Sometimes the answer will be "I am hungry, this is nourishing and will make me healthy and strong". Sometimes the answer will be "my heart is hungry, I need to eat this, I deserve this". And every variation in between.
Possibly more practical would be using the model I kept back in my macrobiotic vegan days:
Is it sattvic (calming)?
Is it whole, local, organic?
That was, all in all, a very boring time in my gastronomic history. I remember looking at my arms and feeling so frail. I want to feel strong!
I get back after practice and throw on "The View" where they are discussing this recent study on how women would prefer to have cancer rather than be fat. Yikes!
Congrats on Mayurasana... and, welcome to my hell. ha ha!!! That is one devil of a posture. I feel like I'll be struggling in it till the day I die. But, I kinda don't care- as long as there is lift off. I loved your food questions and laughed when I read them thinking of my current obsession with Rice Krispies treats. I couldn't bring myself to comment on your earlier food entry... I'm a big food sinner. Okay- I watched The View also -and was horrified by the cancer/fat thing. It's disgusting. What a harmful way of looking at ourselves- this society of ours is sick. I'm glad yoga has allowed me to be okay with myself. I'm not a skinny minnie, but I can still kick some yoga ass.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. It resonated with me when you described your fear of second series. I think I feel that way too, but hadn't realised it until you said it. Up until now, I've been also secretely feeling like an ashtangi fraud. That I've gotten by on my flexibility, and by appearing to be dedicated. But I'm not really. I'm not good enough....where does that come from?! I think subconsciously I also have been sabotaging my practice. Wimping away from pincha. Afraid of what comes next. A big part of me is telling myself "don't be ridiculous, you're not able to do second. Who are you kidding?". And as I mostly do home practice, I have no teacher to tell me to cop on. So I wallow. But I didn't realise all of this until I read your blog. So, a big thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh, nearly forgot...congratulations on mayurasana. I'm sure you'll rock it!
ReplyDeleteShocking at the regularity poses are being given to you. I have not gotten a new pose in over 3 years. I understand the importance of not being attached to poses. But 3 years? With the exception of a few months of home practice I have been a pretty dedicated. to my teachers studio.
ReplyDeleteAt this point it feels like I am being punished.
Maybe he thinks I'm not pure enough to recive the teachings?
Liz-thanks! but it feels like a curse at the moment :)
ReplyDeletemmm rice crispies! love em! but cant be bothered to make em. good thing you dont live new by...yeah wasn't that horrible? cancer! I can't believe it!
najc-thanks for fessing up. its good to know im not alone :) and thanks!
anon-do you go to the same studio as me? hmm. I guess it might seem like im on a pose-a-thon, but actually, I've gone long stretches without new poses. Not three years though. That has got to be hard. Of course it isn't about the poses, but being stuck somewhere often means something has got to give and sometimes I think we can't figure out what that thing is. Maybe you are being punished. Hey, teachers are human too. Maybe there are some places in your practice where you can give a bit more. It is hard to be objective about our own practices. Maybe talk to them about what you should be working on, where you need to improve, etc. ?
No, I don'tpractice at your studio. I know better than that! Your teacher is a wonderful person but notorious for not giving out many poses, which is why I found your being given them regularly to be a little unusual.
ReplyDeleteI had one friend wjo practiced there, that was a teacher who had only been given one pose in 4 years-- and she was a teacher!
P.s.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to get into a poseathon mentality, but I have learned from other skills I have practiced, that sometimes you have to learn a few steps that might be more advanced inorder to correct things that are not so.1year I could have dealt with, two years sure, but three years plus is a bit much.
And it's starting to feel personal.
There are even more finishing poses I could be shown or maybe a little pranyama perhaps.
Sorry to rant. I am really frustrated and should probably just switch teachers, I just have a thing for loyalty.
i think you should talk to them about ways you can improve. if they've got no feedback, then there is no reason that they aren't giving you poses and maybe you should think about another teacher. I mean, its your practice too!
ReplyDeleteWhen I used to practice at Elise's shala I used to give myself new poses without waiting for Guy to tell me. He did not seem to mind as the poses I was giving were ones I could really do from my home practice. He's pretty easy going in my opinion. And I bet your teacher probably would be the same. But I am assuming you are still in primary? I think anything past primary has to be doled out by a teacher for best balance.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yeah, I'm still in primary!!!! 3 years only half way through..... it sucks. thanks 4 all of the comments. maybe i will talk 2 him. but then it makes getting new poses all the more annoying in anticipation. i think i need to switch studios for a little while, which will be hard because i love my studio otherwise and feel like part of a community there.
ReplyDeleteAshtangi-omg really? you gave yourself your own poses and he didn't mind? I guess it depends on the person :)
ReplyDeleteanon-what is your last pose? If you say half way I assume navasana?
ReplyDeletesome things to consider:
-how is your lotus? you need to be pretty comfortable in lotus to be able to do kurmasana and you really need it for second series...
-can you mind in all the marichis on your own?
-how are your jump backs, forwards, and throughs? maybe you need to be stronger because the vinyasas into and out of bhujapidasana and kurmasana are intense and again, you need that strength for second series.
-Are you keeping to the vinyasa?
-How long is your practice? Are you taking a long time getting into and out of poses?
-Do you require a lot of adjustments from the teacher?
-Is there a lot of drama around certain poses?
-do you have any injuries?
-is your practice consistent?
My advice:
Maybe try to get past one wall and see what happens. It could be improving the jumping, or workig on your breathing, or your drishtis, or sticking to the vinyasa, or drop backs, etc. T
anon-what is your last pose?
ReplyDeleteMy last pose is navasana.my lotus is pretty good if I do say so myself. I have no injuries.
I can bind in mari a, b andc no problem. I always need help in d, but its getting better.
My jump backs are getting floaty, my jump throughs still somewhat of a mystery as I am very tall and long legged. I watch richard freemans videos for lon legged inspiration.I can always stand mor work on my vinyasas, but its gotten much better then when I started which I think is a good sign.
I don't get a lot of adjsutments-- I am very flexible. Balance is an issue still in hasta padangustasana.
I practice 6 days a week. Sometimes I have to mix up morning and evening mysore tho-- I prefer mornings because if I practice in the eve I stop eating after 1pm, which is hard for me.I find that if I miss a practice my body actually starts to ache.
Listen, I don't wnat second series-- I read other blogs about second, and honestly it sounds like an emotional nightmare. But I get barely any feedback from my teacher.
I tried to spearhead my own learning process by using each practice to focus on one thing-- better breathing, better vinyasa, better dristi,better jump throughs, better twisting, better bending, better binding etc etc. I made my own flash card set of the postures so that I could learn the correct names, taught myself the closing mantra, and went back to digging into my favorite sutra translation to take my mind of of any physical process. But I am at a point where I just need feedback and. I'm not gettig it and its starting to feel like maybe I am wasitng my time. Ands I am wondering if all the forward bending of primary is leading to these depressive feelings I am feeling about practice.
When I first started a yoga asana practice many years ago it brought me so much joy. Made me love my body for exactly what it is and be thankful. But this current practice with no feedback, and stagnation
and treatment by my teacher is starting to really destroy thos positive vibes. Thanks everyone for your commentary. Sorry for the thesis elise.
wow... anon... I'm inspired by your dedication. Flash cards? WOW! I would be frustrated too- I think you need to do what Elise suggested first: talk to the teacher, and then- get out of there and on to another teacher who can help you get the joy back into your practice! good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh my bendy friend!
ReplyDeleteBeing flexible is sometimes a curse...
Let's start from the top :)
Look at your parivritta parsvakonasana. This is your marichyasana C and D. (If you look hard, you can find all the poses in the standing poses. I mean think about it. When you're doing second, you just go up to parsvakonasana and are supposed to be warmed up? You have to find a way to really maximize the poses...) So really work on getting that arm outside of your thigh, mulabandha, uddiyana, try to get "all your circles" outside of the thigh (nips and belly button). That might help ease the Marich D.
Sounds like you need to get that D on your own. People are often stopped here in India until they can bind on their own. Not impossible! Also make sure you are really empty in your belly--it makes a difference.
The jump through you can do! Tall people always say that, but the thing is, you probably have longer arms too, which is to your advantage when jumping through. Wish I could see your jump through to help more...
Since you are flexible, focus on getting the correct vinyasa. No fussing into and out of poses. Just bam bam thank you ma'am.
I am so inspired to hear how much you are putting into practice!
I agree, primary can be such a downer! All those forward bends-yuck! It makes me depressed too. That's why I try to put more fire into it to counterbalance. Lots of big jumps, positive thinking. Maybe spend more time in your back bends as well. Are you dropping back by yourself? This is also a place to work...
Times like these are times when the big happy changes happen. You can do it!
:) Totally keep me updated
ps-what did your teacher say?
I left guy's space because as much as I liked him, giving myself poses seemed disrespectful 2 him but also disrespectful 2 my wallet!!!
ReplyDeleteIt also didn't help that I travel a lot and have the plus of studying with many different teachers from all over the world, and every time I'd show up at a new studio they would be "shocked" at what poses i didn't have. But i would always come back to Guy, and I think he gave me a break because he knew I was practicing regularly even if it wasn't with him.
I now go to Shiva when I am in town.
in the end, it is your practice, not your teacher's, right?
ReplyDelete:)