On not freaking out

Yesterday's newspaper was filled with stories illustrating the many interesting facets of the Diwali experience. I suppose there are some consequences when you play with fire. Bombs that is, or fireworks, rather. Diwali is this mix of New Mexico luminarias, Fourth of July fireworks, and good old-fashioned Halloween evil spirit shunning. There are candles lining the houses and super-dangerous home-lit fireworks all in a big effort to scare away bad spirits. I'm not sure what the piles of doo-doo adorned with flowers were contributing, but contribute they did.






















We had already heard the dawning of WWIII, which turned out to be the lighting of bombs all over Gokulum. But the real party was going down a couple nights later. My roommate came home with an armful of really sketchy bombs and we all headed outside to see things blowing up. All up and down the streets were entire families standing around and applauding the explosion that resulted from the little boy presently running from a lit fuse. We were all shocked by how many misfired and how super dangerous these easily acquired devices were. My friend laughed over how we'd see these tiny kids running away from fuses while Grandma clapped in the background. This was when my roommate moved to go inside to get more explosives. We all looked at the space between him and the front door, one foot on the stoop and knew--we were locked out.

None of us had our keys. All the windows have bars to keep everyone out including us. (Maybe they thought up this extreme measure during Diwali?) So we had a chai and waited for a Diwali miracle. I took the last of our money--the 100rs in my pocket--and put it in Amy's hand, "take this please and buy the most delicious sweets you can find". She hopped gallantly onto the back of Rick's bike and headed off into the night for a locksmith and chocolates...or cookies...or whatever delicious sweet she could find. And we waited.

We got in eventually.






















This morning as I head into Tina's to pay for my breakfast (fruit salad, egg dosa with chutney and spinach, coffee) I hear dismayed laughing. The sound is coming from the bathroom where my friend is circling the Indian toilet. What are you doing? I ask. I dropped my keys! She says. I am in stitches with laughter. We both are. In this bathroom everything slopes in toward the hole in the back of that blue hole in the floor like an art student study of perspective. Everything is angled in toward that point on the horizon in the middle of the page.

She got them out eventually.



















The paper had stories on how the rise of eye injuries treated at the hospitals had increased. A puppy died from shock from the sound. Etc.

But I think most people had a pretty good time.

Ganesh saves the day

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/queens/2008/10/21/2008-10-21_elephantshaped_ganesh_growth_cured_my_il.html

Cleanliness is next to Godliness...saucha?

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe second series makes you crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Or at least that's how I feel as I slam trash into the garbage, toss t-shirts into bedrooms, dodge hairs in the sink, or check my glass before I fill it.

Sometimes I freak out.

-and I want to go home.

Karandavasana is coming and practice guidelines for girls

Russell


Olaf


Unknown

Just some things in the back of my mind...(karandavasana is the next pose in second series.)

The thing is, women aren't really expected to come up from Karandavasana. The rare exception is just that--a rare exception. People say that you have to have really strong bandhas (which is probably one of the places where "bandhas like a man" came from). This implies that men have stronger bandhas than women. This bothers me very much. But what if it is true? What if we really do have different bodies and different capabilities and different practices?

Yesterday in conference, somehow the class got on to the subject of nauli kriya. In nauli kriya, one pulls the belly in and does a crazy sideways rippling massage thing.


Nauli kriya is supposed to be good for toning the digestive system and for improving the bandhas...however, Sharath said that if women want to have babies, they should never do it. Oops.

So, it seems there is a men's and women's practice.

Bangalore and back

Post Friday led primary class, the three of us rode the high all the way to Bangalore. It was an impulse trip for sure. We had big dreams of kinda posh hotels, tasty "fusion" meals, shopping and dropping, but not after tearing up a dance floor with a mixed drink in hand.

Some of that happened.

We took the train. Second class. It started alright and we were in good spirits until we figured out that this was not the express and how 3 plus hours really makes your tailbone feel. But we would not be deterred. We landed in Bangalore frazzled and fabulous. "Take us shopping". Take us to a hotel. Take us for food and coffee and toilet...but not in that particular order.

I had never really been in Bangalore before. It is known as a big ugly techie city. And so it was. Loads of shopping. Overpriced kind of nice hotels. We opted for cheap bed and nice clothes/meal. But not before we were completely rained out with one umbrella and no change of clothes.

After checking into the hotel, we "freshened up" for five minutes and headed out for eats. A drunken rickshaw ride later we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere with no restaurants, pedestrians, or hope--only traffic and rain and huge puddles for us to step in. Somehow we decided to go into an office building and to our surprise discovered that it also housed a Japanese restaurant which turned out to be one of the best meals I have ever had in my life. It was positively orgasmic. The night ended with fashion TV in bed and a glass of wine each.

The next day was just as wild and the never ending ride back was something one will always look back on with a smile yet never want to relive.

Back home, I sanitized everything and watched Lions for Lambs. Surprisingly good.

This morning I woke up with achy train/rain body but headed to class anyway of course...

And I got pincha mayurasana!

All the little things...

Maybe I'm ready to head back to New York soon (ish), but no promises.

Sharath makes a point sometimes about how living your yoga doesn't mean living full time in Mysore doing some asana and then smoking weed (go figure). Rather, living your yoga is being able to strive for and maintain a sense of equanimity while existing in the "real world". Ashtanga yoga isn't "cave" yoga. It is the yoga of people who are a part of the world.


Meera likens it to the law of diminishing returns. That first bite of cherry pie is awesome. After that it gets less cool. By the end, you're just shoving it down.


So although I am totally grateful and happy with being here, I feel ready to start thinking about reentering the "real world". This comes as a bit of shock to myself considering last year I felt just the opposite. But I never did really have a plan besides not having a plan. And without thinking about it, the ouija board inside my head is pointing me towards New York. Who am I to argue?

Maybe I am just growing up a bit and changing and wanting different things. That could be a part of it too.

But then the other part of me wants to stay here until I have no money. To stay here until Sharath takes time off. But then I think to myself "what for"? So that I can get lots of poses? So i can suck all the teaching out of Sharath? Three months or even four is a long time. I have and am learning a lot about practice, myself, people, life, and all that. I'm sure I'd learn more if I stay longer too. I don't know I'll just have to see what happens. I'm not even sure if I can get a flight out of here before the holidays.

Either way, I'll be happy to take it as it comes.

Practice has been interesting as usual. My whole body feels at times like a pulpy ball of raw meat. I can't believe I was going through this back in New York and able to go through an entire day of work. I can barely motivate myself to walk to my scooter. Maybe my body just knows that this is a time to rest and rejuvenate.

It has been raining a lot the last few days. People say the monsoon has come late. Fun. Smelly clothes. Aching muscles and joints. Mud. Locked in the house with nothing to eat but jaggery.

I have this fantasy about who I am and what life should be and how I fit in it. I know others have fantasies about who they think I am and who they are and all that too. I think that part of growing and learning and this process is learning that maybe you are a star or a square and that you fit in the cut out that you fit in and that is amazing.

Here is a flick of my painting. Maybe I can figure out how to rotate it next time :)

Sharpened pencils

A typical morning. The alarm goes off at 3:15 (used to be 3:30) and I probably hit snooze at least once. I roll out of bed and take a shower. I hang around for a while and then head out the door by 4:45. It is a minute ride on my scooter to the shala in the dark. I park and it is so quiet I am always convinced that people can hear me inside coming in "late" (many people begin to queue up at the gate which opens around 4:30 so the can get their favorite spot). I practice. I come home (although I like coconuts, I don't like talking with people post practice) and maybe hang out for a bit and then take a nap if I feel up for it. Then breakfast...

My blogging usually happens in that time before the nap. If it doesn't happen then (as it is now) then it usually doesn't happen at all because it is hard for me to get a moment alone around here. There are always people around and I can't help playing the host. But yesterday I was able to peel myself away from Gokulum to head over to Anand's in the center to finish my painting.

I was taking the traditional Mysore painting class with my bf while he was here in September. He finished his painting and I didn't. After he left I couldn't really picture myself sitting there without him so I took a couple of weeks off. In that span of time, there was a fallout between Anand, the painting teacher, and Santosha, the host space, and so the classes were moved to Anand's house in the city center. I know I am full of excuses but it took me two more weeks before I was able to carve out the time to go. 12-2 is just such an awkward time to have class. All that said, I made the effort and went to paint Monday and yesterday and finished my painting of baby Krishna lifting a cow over his head so he can drink some milk straight from the source. Kind of interesting subject matter now that I think about it.

Today I was so sore. Everything aching. And today was my first day of tittibhasana. It went surprisingly well. Of course, my thighs were burning but not nearly as horribly as they were when I first was learning the posture in New York. A little stronger every day.

A handful of friends and acquaintances are leaving over the weekend. I have mixed feelings about it. It is interesting being in such a transient place. It is strange not being one of the people leaving or preparing to leave. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that right now is my favorite time of year in New York--Autumn and that people are finding costumes and buying turkeys and listening to Christmas music in stores.

"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

Hilarious.

Love/Hate--so lucky to be alive

It's funny to watch how the emotions of a person can change from one day to another. Or how things have to go completely wrong and horrible and bad and terrible (or at least to feel like it) for things to feel good again. Not that any of it matters really, but both sides of the coin feel very real when you are in it.

It is interesting to witness how we think we are reacting to things that are real when really sometimes it is just part of the program. How everything has happened before and we aren't as different from each other as one might feel in the highs and lows of every day life. For instance, not long ago I was talking with my friend, "Lisa", who was relatively quickly moved to the split and up to pincha mayurasana. She was going through very strong emotions--crying, laughing, anxious, afraid, childhood memories relived, etc. She felt she had some sort of personal problem ad signed up for past life therapy and deeksha stuff and psychotherapy. And now here I come and I realize that I am crying and getting upset and irrational and flooded with feelings of I don't know what. Coincidence? I think not.

Today after back bending, Sharath told me to take tittibhasana on Wednesday. I am nervous. I don't feel flexible or strong enough to do it properly. Of course that isn't a big deal but I still feel intimidated.

Back to black

I've been dragging myself to practice and when I get like that, it transcends to all parts of my life. I drag myself to the blog, to errands, maybe to friends but probably not. Why the bad mood.? A combination of things but mostly because I get really optimistic and enthusiastic about things and the second that someone doubts them I get really upset and fall over. It is the same reason I decided to change from an art degree to art history. I can paint etc. but I really really can't take the critiques. I realize this is something I need to work on and it isn't always an issue but sometimes it really gets under my skin and I can't think straight.

But it passes.

And it is amazing to watch how crazy we all are.

Any time is cricket time

Or so our tour guide says. But the only thing I know about cricket is one: Indians love it and two: I got hit with a ball on the foot while riding my scooter to the new Dasaprakash.

And so goes my weekend trip to Mumbai. Cool stuff, weird stuff, new stuff, and nice stuff. Mumbai is like what New York or Paris would be in 100 years if we were invaded by aliens. It is like a city on top of ten cities. It is a little like Miami, a little like London, a little like A Little Princess. I loved it.

I shopped, spa'd, swam, ate. Oh I ate the yummiest food. Organic brown rice pasta. Green papaya salad. Gorgonzola. Amazing.

I flew out Saturday morning and got back yesterday afternoon. This morning, back to practice.

It was so good to see family and to be in a big city. It really helped to put things into perspective. I feel really clear about what I want and what I am doing. I am glad I didn't force the "what's next question". People would ask and I was like "it will come" and it has.

Mysore Note:

Don't talk yoga with yoga people. It just ends in tears.

Last night a little innocent caffeine-induced handstand session prompted a 101 on jumping by one of the "boys that fly". I think it was the language barrier that really did it because all his "you's" meaning "one" were being interpreted as "you" personally. Then statements such as "you're cheating" and "chaturanga like a man"... You (personally) and you (one) can imagine the reaction when three girls are in the audience.

I like learning something new, don't get me wrong, but the way that people sometimes talk about practice gets me miffed. Statements like "he/she has strong bandhas" are hair raising to me. I mean, I understand where people are coming from and what they are trying to say, but it still makes me cringe. I just think that a little sensitivity of word choice is important because otherwise one feels that one's efforts are being made illegitimate. All of us have sacrificed something in order to be here. Therefore, it is kind of hard hearing someone say things like "you're cheating" when you are really putting your heart into it.

All that said, practice today was stellar. I paid serious attention to my bandhas, my core, moving slowly, and really integrating every cell of my being into being totally present in every breath. It was fabulous! Thanks to the crew (even when we are yelling, we are learning).

Did I do that?

Well, the day has come. I did this:

Sharath helped me in back bends today. I was suprised because my hands weren't as high as yesterday, but still, they were in about the same place as Nancy (above). I straightened my legs, and then, Sharath stepped back and let go. I balanced there all by myself. After a few breaths, I popped up, eyes wide, and Sharath said "good". That was it and maybe that was enough. I wanted to just jump on him and give him or someone a hug I was so overwhelmed with excitement. Now that is a crazy feeling.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/govindakai/sets/72157594334113610/

Theta boy

"No afraid," Saraswati smiled up at me.
"Not today," I said. And I really meant it. I meant it so much that it was almost a joke that someone else made and it wasn't me freaking out yesterday.

I had taken my three wheels and three drop backs and was waiting with my arms crossed across my chest like a mummy for Sharath or Saraswati to come help me. Sharath was waiting to help someone else in back bends and I could see that he clearly was avoiding me. I'm glad he did, because I had unfinished business with Saraswati.

She took her time and came over to me. I felt strong, flexible, brave. I really integrated the idea that it wasn't Saraswati's back bend or even practice. No--it was mine and this is my moment and she is here to help me. So I pretended she wasn't even there. I back bended like I was going to do it all on my own and she was an extension of me. She grabbed my hands and put them on my legs and my heels stayed down and I felt strong. She walked my hands up and up and I straightened my legs more and more. And then she kept walking them and I kept straightening them until my hands were holding maybe my knees but it is hard to tell when you are backwards and upside down. My hands were almost even. I couldn't even remember a time when my left shoulder was bothersome. My legs were as straight as I've ever taken them and my thighs were on fire. My butt was on fire.

I was right on the edge and the sensations were insane. I felt myself get a little tired or a little afraid like when you back away from the edge of a cliff and in that moment something inside me said "no, I am not afraid" and I completely straightened my legs and everything just stacked up.


I felt Saraswati step away so that she was barely even touching me. I felt like I had fireworks in my pelvis or maybe a fish bowl swirling with koi and bubbles.I felt like those colorful blobs in that Bjork video were jumping inside me. I was there maybe for a few seconds, maybe a minute bu not longer. I stood up, shocked. Saraswati had a very serious face. I put my hands on her shoulders and just kind of looked at her. She nodded and gave me the best squish of my life. The funny thing is, my back was not tense at all. It felt great. I've never felt better. I pranced to the dressing room and took my finishing postures. I rested and went to another planet. I realized that yes, it is 99% practice 1% theory, but with time, you notice that actually it is also 99% mental and 1% physical.

scatter brain

Wake up. Bathroom. Shower. Dress. Roll mat. Get keys. Lock door. Get on scooter. Ride to practice.

But now the roommates are both at 4:45 as well which turns my world upside down unexpectedly. I was this close to peeing in a jar. So tired, so sore. This is me doing my practice without the jazz without the flash. Messing up, not taking it to the extreme. I just didn't have it in me. Some days are like that. I still give myself an "A".

My mind was everywhere. Drishti, bandha, breakfast, breathing, Eric, and so on. But hey, it was all internal rather than external. That's got to count for something in my book. Some days are like that.

I was so exhausted. There wasn't just one place that ached and throbbed, it was a general feeling of raw meat flowing through my entire body. At least it was democratic. I think I am holding back in some places and I realized it was because I am afraid. I am afraid I can't do it, or that I'll break, or because it is new, scary, and really deep. I had back bending with Saraswati again, which I see as a gift. I figure I get her now because they know I can do it with just a little bit of help. I don't even try to want to believe them and I don't know why. Maybe I have hit a point physically or mentally that has been my edge and now I have to go past my comfort zone, which, of course, is scary.

Fear
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Fear is an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain. Psychologists John B. Watson and Paul Ekman have suggested that fear is one of a small set of innate emotions. This set also includes joy, sadness, and anger.
Fear should be distinguished from anxiety, which typically occurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats which are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.[1]

So maybe it was anxiety instead?

When I was leaving, I stopped in the office to talk to Saraswati who was drinking chai. I told her I was afraid sometimes in dwi pada and back bending. She told me it would go away and to not be afraid. Nothing I didn't know, but sometimes you have to tell someone a tree is falling. I left before I really started with the waterworks.

just a reminder

"Siren"

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/08/28/kate.moss.gold/index.html


siren

Noun

1. a device that gives out a loud wailing sound as a warning or signal

2. Siren Greek myth a sea nymph whose singing lured sailors to destruction on the rocks

3. a woman who is attractive but dangerous to men [Greek seirēn]

Split in half

No great discoveries or insights to report today. Just woke up, practiced, and am now sitting in front of the computer before taking a nap.

One of the interesting things about cleansing, or simplifying one's diet in general, is that there is an opportunity to witness the effects foods have on the body. Too much sugar? Allergic to almonds? It becomes pretty clear what is making what happen when you're only eating fruit salads or juices or rice or vegetables or water. And since there are three of us almost consistently sharing meals, we notice how the food we eat affects not only our own bodies, but eachother's as well. We also have been able to support eachother during the occasional freakout session during which the freakee either does or does not recognize that they are in fact freaking out. "Hey. Hey! Don't freak out." We all keep saying it until it becomes true.

But I feel really great. The low end of my practice has been raised and if I felt like I had more in me, the bar would be crazy high too. I'm feeling a real connection with Sharath, which is obviously nice. Today in padmasana, I heard Sharath grumble something in front of me (he was sitting on the stage and I was in the front row). And then it was, "Elise garble garble garble". Huh? "Knee down in padmasana". And then he showed me. This was all inbetween counts during a led class with 80 students. This is such a small detail.

Although I feel like I am just getting settled, that it isn't yet time to leave, part of me is dreaming about being back in New York or resettling somewhere else with E. I think about practicing at Guy's and making little lunches and getting books from the library. I think about moving to San Francisco or back to Albuquerque and seeing a live local band. I think about visiting my family as if it weren't a once a year occasion. Or getting on a plane and surprising my best friend weeks before she goes into labor. I want to be one of the first to hold that baby... And then the sound of someone breaking a drinking glass in the living room brings me back here to India.

On food, broken body, and the learning process

One day good, two days broken. Or at least that is how it feels.

I had this idea to do a cleanse/fast to see the effects it would have on practice. Purely for science. The idea of not eating and/or food restrictions makes my palms sweat, but I thought that it might prove to be an interesting experiment. I talked my good friend, the obsessive faster, into putting together a comprehensive fast/cleanse program complete with food diaries and emergency snacks. As it turns out, some are more ambitious that others and although the structure hasn't yet materialized the motivation has. Tuesday I cut wheat and began eating raw/cleansing diet. Apparently I inspired a trend and three other friends jumped on board to various degrees.

I thought I was waiting to see the breakthrough in practice, because I didn't feel like an Olympic champion at all. My breath was shallow, my throat was parched, my bones and muscles ached. Yesterday I was unbelievably grumpy and aggressive. But then today I realized that maybe all these feelings aren't because cleansing sucks. Maybe they are happening because the cleansing is deepening the affects the practice has on the body. Come to think of it, in practice I was only thinking of practice. There was no residue from the night before. Today I noticed that I was sweating like crazy...I had this feeling that I was moving the bones around, rather than playing with puddy. Like I was rearranging the structure.

All that said, my whole body aches. People in primary or those who first start yoga go through this. They have this huge shift where their personality changes, their attitude toward food and life changes. They want to be cleaner, nicer, healthier people. Their bodies ache, burn, tighten , and transform. They look at more advanced people and think that someday the aching will stop if they could just hold on a little longer. Or maybe that nobody else aches but them. Well, here I am aching. I almost forgot how when I first started yoga, knees-chest-chin and other really basic hatha stuff left me sore for days.

And if there was even an ounce of me that felt I was working toward where I "should" be (last pose in NY--mayurasana), it has disappeared today. I am re-learning everything. Again, Sharath was coaching me through dwi pada. The thing is, my dwi pada is fine compared to some other people who are further along, however, if he sees that you aren't working your edge and that you can go further or do it "properly", he's going to wait for you to do it. I knew this when I got the pose, that it was average work, and was therefore surprised when I got yoganidrasana. If Sharath waits for you to have little breakthroughs before moving you on, this is a breakthrough that he'll wait for because he asked for it twice now and I'm trying but still not delivering.

But in the end, that is what it is about. It is about this learning process. The trying, the sweating, the dedication, the every day, the crying, all of it. So maybe I get my legs just perfect...then what? The interesting stuff happens all around that.

I got the pictures from the led second photographer this weekend. I think he really captured just that. Can you guess which one is me?